At this point yes. I don't know what to think or do. Not mentioning anything specific but my two best friends didn't even trust me and that kills me more than anything else. How can you tell someone something and then tell me that they couldn't tell you before because they thought you'd pass judgement on them. I mean I trusted these girls, how do they expect me to trust them now, if they couldn't so much as trust me to tell me something. I thought they knew me better than this. This hurts me more to think of it than even the thoughts of the biopsy on the 21st. Have to back track a little bit, I went back in for the retest of the thyroid to make sure that medication is working, the doctor felt an enlarged thyroid so she had me get that ultrasounded- that was last Thursday- and they found a nodular cell in it. Now the doctor wants to biopsy it just in case- check it thoroughly- so that Biopsy is next week. Did I ever mention I HATE needles. I can tolerate needles but I have to watch them, and I don't think I can this time. Rather to be safe than sorry I know but I will have to see about doing either a bank loan or a loan off my 401K to get everything paid off.
This best friends not trusting me thing is really ripping through my head. I don't know if I ever want to try to trust them again. Why must I be left in the dark, I'm just curled up in my room, fighting the urge to throw a fist or sit here and cry. It's a mental disaster. What they did, doesn't bother me, they're happy with their choices then that's what I want. I want my friends to be able to trust me and how can I trust someone that doesn't trust me. That's the real question.
I have to stop thinking about it. I really do. If there's one creature I trust with my whole heart and life is Heidi. I was out riding her the other, Sunday, and we did some trotting, I've been working on my leg strength to trot again, I wish I could see her every day. I took Aunt Lisa and Dad up to the barn today, I wanted Aunt Lisa to sit in the saddle and see how comfortable it was for her to see if keeping the other Wintec is worth it. On a hay bale it feels different. It does help get a feel for hip to knee. I tacked Heidi up in the crossties, and Dad got up there, no problems. Saddle's a little short hip to knee but it even felt that way to me on a hay bale. Sandy even tried and found the back of the saddle was too high(or mounting block too short and Heidi too tall!) but it also gave her the chance to realize that she needed a lower back to her saddle. So maybe on a warmer day we'll try it again and use the big black box out in the arena and let her sit on Heidi and get a good feel for the saddle.
I have to do something with these ponies soon. With the possible upcoming bills, I just don't want to deal with them. Yes, they need someone to take care of them, I just don't have the mental room right now nor the money to be able to continue their rehab. At least that's what my head is telling me. I'm hoping to find a few round bales for them to preserve some of my square bales for the rabbits and eventually the bottle calves. Montgomery's sold out of their round bales so I'll be asking around for any more local to me that can be delivered with a tractor.
Anyway, a few pictures of my girl from Sunday. Her and a few rabbits are my loves and who needs other humans when they have always loving and trusting animals.
I do have to stop thinking about Rachel, I'm just upset about it. Rachel said, I'll call you back and as I hung up, I only retorted I hope you don't. I just was upset. I felt betrayed by the two closest people in my life, that I feel like I can always be myself with. Time to go find something to let me let off some stream, and tomorrow I think I'll just brush these ponies out and stay home with my bunnies.