Monday, August 28, 2017

Keeping up the fight.

This week of vacation that has just started has started in such a good mood.  I haven't bothered to check my weight.  it is still high, higher than my last doctors appointment but for the time being I am okay with that.  I just picked up the new insoles for my sneakers so I can start taking walks in the mornings when I get up and I hope to take a few long walks each day and maybe that will help.  I just got a voice message from the doctors office and they need to move my appointment because Dr. Baker won't be in the office.  I will have to call first thing in the morning and see what I can do to get in this week.  I have to.  I don't have my other choice but to get it done this week, I can't take more time off to get all the way back into Owingsville after I've started to do more bloodwork.  I will call them and see if I can at least go in and have blood drawn Thursday morning and have them at least run the T3 tests.  I'm going to keep pushing, I want to be put on a T3 supplement to see if that will help since the Wellbutrin did not.  
So Saturday I took Jess with me down to visit Grandma and we had a pretty good time over all.  Then I came home with the intention to clean and reorganize the barn.  Which I actually got done with Jess' help.  She helped me move the new cages into the barn.  So I got several things reorganized and I have the rabbits settled.  So Sunday I was able to get my mini running table set up and get all the English Spots on it to run.  I'm still working tonight, Monday, on getting them uploaded to Facebook.  I am hoping with the new video of 1BC2/Polly up I will be able to get her sold.  I might go ahead and raise the price on her now since I'm putting a bit more work and time into getting her show ready.  She's a really nice little doe. I just can't keep her.  I took Hide out and was playing with her, and realized it's not a her, it's a him.  So I got some new pictures of him and I am going to sadly list him for sale.  It's kind of sad, I had hoped it was a doe in hopes of keeping it as an offspring of Connie's in the barn but I will have to try and re-breed her again.  She's keeping her weight well so I might try it with Willie once he comes home.  I right now have Natalie bred to Lantis, the tort buck, but I want to wait for a blue to breed Connie.  It's kind of sad really.  I REALLY liked Hide.  Well marked, nice body type.  The steel markings are VERY light but he'd still make a good brood buck if he doesn't molt out into all black or into more steel markings.  Tis a very sad situation with Hide.  *Hopefully* he hasn't bred his momma, I just weaned him despite he's just under 4 months old.  I thought it was a doe and I left it at that and figured Hide as fine staying with momma.  Well I was wrong on sexing.  I'm not usually wrong but I haven't checked Hide since he was 3 weeks old.  I almost always re-check at 6-8 weeks.  I didn't.  I made a mistake.  Not a mistake I will make again.
I haven't ridden at all since the last time I wrote partially because I have been lazy and tired, and partially because of lack of motivation and lastly, it's because of poor weather conditions.  It's been hot and gross and that bugs Heidi with the heat.  Either hot and humid or wet and rainy.  I haven't had much choice in the weather.   This week Tess has had a round of Cellulitis spurring from some bad thrush.  I feel so awful about not noticing the thrush until she was 3 legged lame on Saturday.  She wouldn't even put weight on her right front hoof.  I feel awful.  I still feel awful even today.  Sunday when I figured out that it wasn't just a puffy leg.  So I texted Patrick telling him what I had and what should I give her, and he said Excede, so off to the clinic I went and got her a big shot of Excede Sunday morning, came home cleaned her feet out and put Iodine in all 4 of them and the big shot of Excede.  Today I switched back to the Blue Kote but at least this evening the swelling and heat are gone.  So I am hopeful tomorrow afternoon to get a good ride in on Heidi and maybe ground work Tess some.  I am a little weary to start working her this soon but I also moved Michael coming to trim up to as soon as he can.  I will have to step up and treat their feet way more often than I have been.  I have also blocked them out of their run in, to keep their feet from being in the muck.  I really need to do something about that run-in situation.

Monday, August 14, 2017


Everything has been tossed into a blender lately and this past weekend was what tossed it to the blender.  
Marty asked me for some bunnies so I bred a few does, but we shall see what comes of it.  I've kind of started thinking about keeping them slim and seeing what happens from there.  I kind of don't want them to weigh me down and I kind of wanted to start getting rid of them.  I have a few things on my mind and I will see where it goes before I totally can the rabbits completely.   
It was the first time in a bit over a month that I actually talked to Rachel.  She even started the conversation.  It didn't last long as per usual she ditched me for someone else but she started it and carried it for a little while.   I still felt like she didn't tell me the whole truth as to what was going on.  I told her what was going on here.  I don't know what to do about her right now.   Partially don't trust her anymore.  Michelle went down and visited the old farm and makes me miss it more and more.  I've been going through all my old pictures of the farm.  
At least Eeyore and Dakota are still there.  I figured Spudley, Camile and Beauty had all passed on by now.  Last time I was up there 4 years ago it felt like Gena hadn't wanted to see me so I've refrained from really wanting to go visit again.  Michelle told me that my leaving was very hard on her.  I hope she understands how hard everything was on me to pick up and move 1600 miles away and start over.  I saw it as a new opportunity to start over.  In so many ways I am glad to have done it.  I've really gotten to know the other side of my family(my dad's family) and I've really enjoyed knowing them.  Had I not moved down here, I wouldn't have my three girls, Heidi, Tess and Willow.  I am enjoying my job for the basic part, which I couldn't do up there.  Only down part has been all the medical issues that I have had which are common for people down here.  I do still wonder what life would have been like with different choices in the past. 
It made me sorely miss Jasmine and Phoenix, as they are VERY similar to Heidi and Tess.  Just they way they act and behave is so very similar.  I would LOVE to be able to afford to get a third horse but as of right now I need to make other steps in life before I can do that.  I must content myself with what I have for years to come.  

I am so happy with how things are going.  I've been feeling okay.  Last night was a night I woke up in the middle of the night in a hot flash kind of feeling, about 15 minutes later I was cooled off enough for my sheet and back to sleep I went.  I haven't been on the scale in a few days but this week I have started having a Slim*Fast every morning for breakfast and I'll see how that goes.  Starting Wednesday I am going to go back to walking through part of lunch.  Even if Debbie doesn't.   I have to, I need to.  My weight has sat the same since my doctors appointment, actually it went up and has come back down to basically the same.  It's time to kick this crap to the curb and stay that way!  I am so tired of reading these Hasimoto's books and I'm just trying to live life and enjoy it and also get (and Keep) my Hasimoto's in check.  It's autoimmune so it's there for life now but I'm ready to take my life back.  

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Looking Forward

It's been a whirlwind few months here in Aya Sora's land.  Most of it has been a roller coaster but there are still a few things that are not.   On the biggest positive side is my Springleaf loan is paid off.  I've created a new 'budget' so to speak to rebalance where money goes and it does give me a little more monetary freedom going forward.  Good to start putting money away for a deposit on an apartment- so long as my car and truck allow me to!  Right now I need to save up and get 2 new tires for each of them. The truck's front right keeps going flat and the car's are just practically bald.  That is kind of what I get for buying cheap-ass tires on the car, they last 2.5 years and then they are toast.  Not bad considering.  Car does need another new alignment so I might call a tire place and see if I can't just get it done and re-aligned while it is there.
I finally have gone back to the doctors and got a bunch of tests run, still not the 3 I wanted done but those can wait for next time.  I got the diagnosis of Hasimoto's hypothyroidism and it does explain so many things.  I've ordered in a few books that will help me understand this disease and with any luck I can control it and learn to deal with this and move forward from here.  It's an autoimmune disease of the Thyroid and it's basically where my body is making antibodies against my own thyroid.  Where it comes from I don't know how it happened I don't know or understand yet but I have only read that I can put it back into remission and keep it there with a good control of medications.  So next doctor visit I will have him run the other tests to see what I should be doing medication wise and see what I can't do to regain control.  That should all help me on my end game of losing weight and getting fit.
The horses have been fantastic.  I've been out riding, I put a saddle for Tessa on my credit card (which I shouldn't have done but I couldn't resist) and I've had her out western and with Heidi staying English I should be doing alright.
While I am still not amused with the way I look at least I am *now* got a fighting chance to get things situated and going correctly.  We will continue onwards, upwards and forwards.   

Willow has been fantastic she's always by my side and when she's not she's by the front door waiting for my return with eagerness.  She doesn't approve of me leaving her behind but when we had hit that super hot spell of 90+ for a week I got really stressed on our drive home as she was just so flippin hot but now with it cooler again I can go back to taking her everywhere without fear and I can go back to horseback riding again.  We still need to get back to some kind of training regimen but that will come with cooler temperatures.  I have off for the big dog show- as I have for the past 2 years and that is going to be our interesting drive to see if we really want to go up there and 'shop' or more so look around and just basically see what's up there.  It's my vacation week and I have plans to do a few things at least.  Not like last year when I didn't do anything for vacation.  I want to go back to Old Friends again and maybe go down to Natural Bridge and hike that with Willow.  I do have my follow up at the doctors office but that is only 1 day out of the 10 I have off(well Labor day I will likely be going into work in the morning but that's all good).

Last touche subject is the rabbits.  I am slowly getting them to a good point.  I have finally 1 blue
 english spot doe Miracle(fondly called Mirror), and the two blacks that I am keeping- Cricket and Lindsay.  Lindsay's sister Miranda is going to Texas next month and a blue buck named Trick is coming in, in exchange.  Transport has already been paid and I am thoroughly eager to get a good solid base of blue going.  Sadly none do trace back to my original 3 English Spots but I kind of knew that was going to happen.   The dutch, I think I'm going to weed down to 3 pairs, since I have a blue buck coming in this fall, Willie, I am picking up a Sassy son, which is a tort buck since that's my last hold on Syd's bloodlines.  Syd is the only offspring of Neena's I kept and she was the literal only child of Kitty's, as Kitty only had 2 babies to start with and killed one of them at 3 weeks old, so Neena got weaned early.  Neena was gifted to a friend and was told if she ever got rid of her to tell me and I would go get her but of coarse she sold her and the line was gone once I lost the last of the Syd related offspring.  So now with Legends and Chaucer tracking back to Rafik, Sassy's son tracing back to Syd and Colby(Not my homebred Colby Jr), Legends tracing back to Sam, and Hide, Natalie and Connie all tracing back to Amelia I have my foundation lines back.  I will likely keep the three bucks, Willie, Sassy's son and Chaucer and then keep 3 or 4 does total.  I will still need to get a tort doe to go with Sassy's boy.  He still needs a name.    

All in all I actually feel like I am going the right direction in life.  Things are getting muddled here and there but moving forward.  

Friday, May 19, 2017

Stopping to Vent

I have been on a destructive downward spiral this week and I keep telling myself to stay the heck away from Facebook.  Facebook has been a big sting for me lately.
Start with the weight loss.  All the friends that keep losing weight and saying 'If I can do it, so can't you' and it's just bugging me.    I mean I'm putting a TON of steps in daily, I'm really not eating all that much and it's fairly decent meals when I am and I *still* cannot for the life of me lose weight.  I'm stuck in the same 10 pound range.  Even not eating well I'm still in the same 10 pound range.  It's getting to be disheartening and if I just focus on that then my brain cannot think straight for everything else.  It has crossed my mind at one point to just cut it off literally but then the whole bleeding and making a mess and it's REALLY not that easy in real life kicks in, but I wish it were just that easy.
Actually having Mikey back at the clinic has made me into a much more cold hearted person.  It's actually really wrong.  I figured with him coming back that I was going to be cast to the side- Debbie thought not.  I was right.  Despite not wanting to be right.  Scotty the most has irritated me about it.  He knew the one day that Mikey was gone with Rex on a call and he kept walking around saying "Where is Mikey, I need Mikey" because there was a bull with a bad foot out back.  So I blew him off too.  I figured Scotty and Jeff would be the only two that if they weren't going to become so dependent on Mikey they would be the ones.  So far only Jeff hasn't proven to be that way but he hasn't done any cattle calls.  The one day I threw Mikey at them and I disappeared. I kinda said "fuck them, I hope they don't expect me to just pick back up to it when Mikey leaves for Vet School."  I actually have been thinking of just switching jobs completely.  I'm afraid to just go to a different vet office to work, assuming I could get into one, because I do like working with Doc- and well, Doc's about it really.  I'm okay with Debbie, Alicia and I keep Brenda and Heather at a distance but that's about all- the others I just plum do not trust in anyway shape or form.  They don't trust me so why should I trust them.
Add that to Mikey telling me I went into a really dark place on Monday.  Monday I was out trying to clean out the cattle pen and I kept chasing a baby Starling around so I could get it out into the open and kill it.  So I grabbed the cattle prod and kept shocking it.  I enjoyed shocking it until it came out into the open.  The second one I killed was kind of a mistake but it kind of landed on my head jumping out of the nest and I freaked out and kinda flung it into the wall.  Only reason we've been killing them is because they're over running the clinic and need to go but they are an invasive species and nothing is killing them except us humans.  This isn't who I am.  I don't know what is happening to me.  I'm turning into a monster.  I'm turning back to who I used to be back in Junior and Senior High and I have worked hard to get away from that personality type and to become an over all better person.  I need to do better.  I should go back to journally honestly.
Add that to the roller coaster emotional train because I'm too scared to call Dr. Jones' office and set up an appointment and have the lab work redone.  First find out if she'll run the tests that I want her to so that I can see about trading off to a different medication.  All I have wanted to do all afternoon is cry.  I haven't figured out the root cause of it either.  I just want to snuggle with Willow, Heidi and Tessa and just let it all go but part of me wants to know why.  The logical part of my brain is still.
I surprisingly haven't gotten onto the roller coaster ride of monetary frustrations.  It's all been what's going on around me.  I'm just at wits end as to what can I do?  I need to do something.  I need to go out and make friends, I need friends outside of family.  But then there's the whole thing of what on earth do I do with friends?  I hate going out places I hate doing a LOT of things.  Heck right now I don't even bother with my ex-best friends because they really aren't much of best friends anymore.  They only talk to me when they get around to it, they couldn't hold a conversation with me to save their lives so no point in bothering.  They also will only get a hold of me if they need something too.  It all has to stop.  I'm so tired to being used and dumped.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Enjoy Time

Time sure does have a way of disappearing on me as the weeks have rolled on by and it's almost May now.  I think I'm back to not having ridden in weeks again.  I really can't wait to get a saddle for Tessa.  Some part of me is now kicking myself in the butt for getting rid of all my saddles that didn't fit Heidi.  But at the time all I had *was* Heidi.  At that point I had, had no intention of getting a second horse.  Well I want to go back to riding Western.  Things I have yet to accomplish list is getting longer and I am not going anywhere on it.  The one thing to do is going to be to start making a lot of choices.  And they are hard choices to make.  I've been trying to let time do some of the deciding for me.  Time is fighting against me right now.  Again it's almost May and I've yet to lose any weight, I've yet to redo any thyroid panels and I've yet to get any bills paid off.  I've gotta do this, I've gotta get my head together and get myself together and GO.  
Part of me is still wanting to learn english so keeping Heidi under english for the time being.  I still have time to keep working Tessa on the ground and riding her with Heidi's english saddle.  The two girls look in really good shape, despite knowing my hay this winter has lacked in quality greatly.  But I think both girls have stayed in pretty good condition.  Other than that the girls have been really good.  Heidi's still a moody mare over Tessa but Tessa's still a little lover.  I still have to get the money set aside and I'm going to have Ben or Joe come out and float their teeth- both of them.  It might still be the sores on Tessa's lips and mouth as to why she's dropping feed but it could also be her teeth.  I finally took the big camera outside and sat there and took some pictures of them today, despite it was raining.  I had to throw out a few flakes of the rabbits hay to keep their attention.

I also sat outside for a little while with the bunnies and am really in love with my English spots and Chaucer.  I still am partial to not getting rid of all the rabbits but I honestly don't want them to
 tie me down as I am eager to step forward in life.  I originally wanted to get to a trio of each breed and call it good enough but I am now down to a pair of dutch and 5 English Spots.  Whoops.  Plus the two old girls.  Natalie is starting to lose some weight and doesn't look the best anymore.  I noticed when I got my hands on her today.  I feel awful.  Natalie's almost 5.5 years old.

I am contemplating moving her to a tiny cage and putting her back on the crock feeders and see if we can't get it back again.  I would have loved to gotten a gray baby out of her and a tort buck but alas I don't think it's going to happen.  I have her sister bred for one more litter from Chaucer.  After that I think both girls need to be retired completely.  They've done their jobs for me.  I still might get rid of a few of the Spots as I get them where I really want them.  
Willow is still doing awesome.  I've restarted the Fresh Factors to see if that will help her any with her itching.  I also REALLY need to get going on re-starting her training again.  I have lacked really badly being so drawn out and tired at work that I haven't done much over lunch lately if at all.  I even took a nap on Thursday.  First time I've ever napped at all there.  I have to go back to either walking or going to Lowes and doing training work.
So time to make my list of things that need to get done and get some more of them checked off. 

Wednesday, April 12, 2017


Today's been an extraordinary day actually.  It started out like it usually does.  Certain people being late (as always) and me being somewhat miserable because of the lack of outside runs to put noisey barking dogs.  But the day just got better.  Typical roller coaster kind of day but this one ended in an up.  I started with bleaching part of the back area so I could move the two runs over to the freshly cleaned and bleached area that was now free of bird crap.  While it was soaking in the bleach mix I walked over to Dollar General and picked up a cheap $5 tarp to cover the two runs, I was tired of seeing the dogs getting pooped on and their stuff getting covered as well since the runs were not covered anymore.  So cleaned, tarped and fresh blankets and water buckets out there and they were happy again.   Then freshly wore out from scrubbing the floor I went up front.  Jeff and Patrick were there getting meds together and asked what I was doing, they thought I had gone with Rex on his call this morning.  So I said no, he's a one man show and he doesn't take me.  Patrick figures it's because I'm a girl, but Patrick said I was a pretty good cow hand, then Jeff adds to it that I was useful especially on VanMeter's farm- which was the one in the rain we did and I was driving and he had been in the back trying to rope the cow.  I swore I had almost thrown him out but he said I was fine and I was safety orientated and a little over cautious if anything.  That I hadn't been expecting.  I know still that it'll go away once Mikey returns.  That thought keeps saddening me but I *MIGHT* get lucky and it doesn't.  I don't know. The future is always full of surprises and full of new and inventive things!  I'm still working things out with the other girls and a chunk of the time I still do spend solo and away from the rest of them.  I'm not their typical southern girl, I'm a country girl not afraid to get dirty and have to out think large animals.
I chatted a little bit  with Rae, Mich and Ky  and I felt pretty good even then, but then one night I got kept up by a couple of bunny friends with them just picking my brains, the one is starting to drive me crazy.  Okay both are, they've driven me away from Facebook and I'm about two steps away from taking the Messenger App off my cell phone.  Except for that's the easiest way to get a hold of Aunt Lisa and chat with her during the day.  Sometimes I just need to get away from people, places and things.  But I still can come home and cuddle with Heidi, Tessa and my own bunnies and be fine.  The great weather I think has helped a lot too.  It's been really good weather and it's finally spring.  I need to pluck up the courage to talk to Benny about renting the field from him for the big girls so I can drag, seed and put in some new posts in my field and dad can burn off the brush pile.  Might also give the field a bit more time to perk up and jump forward, depends a lot on what Benny says.  I still need to give more thoughts of what to do if I can't, cause I'm going to need to find some kind of summer pasture for them so I can save up for winter hay and a horse round bale holder to boot.  
Well I'm going to head towards bed I'm tired and I need to sleep a bit better tonight.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Standing Alone

Well Things have been so interesting lately and I think today was my final thoughts on so many things.

 I took Heidi for a longer trail ride this morning and I do need to do something about moving her and Tessa somewhere that I can actually ride more often.  Not the so much more often but somewhere safer.  Riding down the road is just not that safe.  I got a good clip down the road but it's still not that safe as Heidi worked herself up because of the traffic.  It goes by way too fast and I wasn't allowing her to spin around every time she heard something.  I eventually got her to settle down and we were fine but it's still a bit weird to have to fight her that much.  She sees the traffic go by all the time so she should be fine and the traffic should also know better than to fly down the road that fast because there's Amish that run up and down the road too.  I don't understand what people's problems are.  I am struggling with the choice to keep both mares.  It's hard to actually ride them when I have no where SAFE to ride them.  Up around the graveyard and back isn't much of a ride.  I need to get to where I can ride them over a lot more open fields than anything else.  As much as I do love them maybe they are the tough spot and I need to cut them back to just one and go back to boarding which I hated.  I don't know.  I would rather not sell one of my horses and would rather not board.  I will just have to figure things out.

The rabbits are an interesting situation.  I have decided to cut back to a pair or trio of each breed and let Flower go.  If I do decide to go with a trio I'm letting one blue dutch doe go(likely Hailey) and getting a gray doe so I have a blue, gray and a steel there and with the spots I will find and get a blue doe, and keep a black doe and the lilac buck.  That might also depend on how well he shows next weekend.  I may end up with a lilac doe and a blue buck depending on the color of the buck that I can find without spending an arm and a leg.  Or maybe bring them down to strictly a pair of each for meat. I do know that I need to make a choice.  My cages are old and coming apart and I either need to invest time into fixing them(buying new is out of the equation) or cut down the number of rabbits and start getting rid of the busted up cages. Fixing won't be hard just needs J-Clips and new wire as the trays are still good- nasty and need a pressure washer maybe but still in tact I should say.  The two old girls are still staying with me until they pass or start yo-yoing on their weight, then it'll be time to go.
Standing alone sucks, it's hard to determine what to do when you don't rightly know.  Part of my brain says I need to do something but another part of me just gives in and says go with the flow. Everything works out in the end.  I'm trying to balance so many things and not topple but I need to just chill out and relax at some point too.  I'm just trying to hang in there for 5 more months so I can get out from under Springleaf/One Main loan and then I can really put some effort into getting Capital one paid off, which I may be moving the balance to Discover when that card comes in since it's 0% interest for 14 months.  That'll give me a year to get that paid off in full.  Also gives me room to widget medical bills as well.  I still have to see about the taxes.  I'm not sure those can go on a credit card.  All research to be continued at some point in time over this next week.  I do know I am mentally ready to be on my own but between the rabbits and the horses I'm not at the same time.