Saturday, October 28, 2017

Month of learning, depression and Happiness.

Well This past month has certainly been a trying one.  Highs and Lows, twists in the road and some back tracking.  Some surging ahead blindly.  So I am hoping to see how these next two months play out and then I'll have to see where thing are. 
Firstly I had my third followup appointment with the doctor, with bloodwork again.  My TSH levels are still climbing and they need to get lower.  My Free T4 levels are still dropping and are still below normal range, which were they need to be on the high end of normal.  My Free T3 is still on the low end of normal and it should be at the higher end of the normal range as well but at least that is in normal range.  It's disheartening.  Everything I read said I should have started to go the right direct in switching medications and it's not.  They upped the dosage and the costs of it are still ugly but whatever at this point.  If I still feel shitty in the middle of December I may ask him to draw again and check it.  If it's still high or even higher I'll switch back to Levo.  I've dropped the Zendocrine down to every couple of days but I do take the Magnesium Citrate 100mg almost daily unless I've got full blown diarrhea that day then I'll skip that evenings dose.  I sleep better too I've noticed. I've started using my diffuser MOST nights.  Some nights I still forget to get it turned on.  Today has been a Wild Orange and Clove mix.  Very nice and comforting smell for sure!  I am also trying to eat a little bit cleaner and cut back on the sweets and fats.  I'm keeping as happy as possible and I'm going to start weaning off the pasta as I finish up what I've got for pasta sides for my work lunches. Time to get things figured out.
I have been backwards thinking and reflecting lately.  Leads to depressive episodes.  I was in a depressive mood for a while until today when I reflected about all the horses that were in my past. I put what they all were and meant to me when I had them.
Started it all with Jasmine.  I took on Jasmine as a finish her rehab and either keep her in my name until Michelle was ready for her or find her a suitable home.  She never left.  Abby was supposed to be a partner/friend for Jazz since I knew Jazz was losing her eye sight.  She was too aggressive with the other horses at Gena's, she was a dominant mare, and she wasn't easy on the fences.  She was rehomed.  Phoenix, he was a retiree from Kylie that I had intended to keep.  Moved Him and Jazz to Kentucky with me. Bo the mini was another friend for the going blind Jasmine until he started to pick on her as well.  Sherralyn was my last stitch effort to find a companion for Jazz as she lost her eye sight.  She hated Jazz after a short while so ended up rehoming as well.  Came to find out she was blind as well.  Tessa I bought purposefully for myself and she was just too green for me so I ended up selling her, but that was after Jazz had passed away.  Heidi was a work up and never left, ended up buying instead. Honey the QH was just a rehome project, Bahloo was a rehab to send home.  Then Drifter & Bailey were rescue, rehab, rehome horses.  Penny was a hang onto until Kylie came for her cause we didn't mesh.  That's a lot of horses in 11 years of owning horses.  I honestly am thinking of getting a third horse when I can afford it, because I want an older gelding for riding.  I am starting to think that I'll never be light enough to ride Tessa correctly.  She honestly needs someone much smaller than me if I want to ride bareback.  My weight is just too much for her and she's already told me that, so do I just not do anything with her while I struggle with my weight or talk to Michael and put it out there that I am looking to sell or trade for a larger QH gelding?  I'd love to keep her and breed her but that's not possible with the field I have currently.  There's no saying she'll throw me a colt that turns out taller than her either.  
Anyway.  Off the depressing horse train of thought.  It makes me miss Abby, Jazz and Phoenix to no end.  Abby will/would be 29 next March 10th.  

Willow I have finally realized I have had her for 3 years.  It's been a glorious 3 years I have to admit.  I might have had the worst case of buyers remorse with her because I have never had such a high drive dog and I had a bad feeling I was in over my head.  It scared me thinking that she'd only ever get as far trained as Magic and Ayden before her.  Ayden I started when he was little and he was doing pretty good until Jess took him to Ohio.  No offense to him but Willow is just that much smarter than he was.  Ayden was no slouch for a Cocker Spaniel but Willow's smart as a whip.  I think it's a herding dog thing.  
Then to the flip side, I was talking to Lisa some this morning and she let Paige go.  Paige was a favorite of mine  I adored Paige from puppy hood, she's super duper friendly.  She was the first dog I did a 'show' with, granted it was a mock fun show thing at the Sheltie Fun day shortly after moving down here.  I loved Paige for her friendly nature and her spot.  I don't know why I have a thing for that spot.  Ayden and Willow both have freckles.  Satin just for her size, that's why I wanted something taller.  Piper and Luna for the blue Merle color.  Paris just has those markings and some funny quirks. 
I kind of miss doing fun things like that, but I'd hate going alone and Willow's not exactly a sheltie!   I just keep doing whatever I can to keep things fun for us.  We should hopefully eventually learn to heal off leash but even if we don't, I've had the best time learning and showing with Aunt Lisa.  We haven't shown in a year and a half but I still remember those days like they were just a little while ago.  


So this past month has been interesting.  Though I have figured out that I'm putting on about a pound a month, I've got 20 pounds heavier this month from October 2015.  It's time to change this.  Time to take some precautionary steps and get things correct so I have many more years to enjoy things!  

Friday, September 29, 2017


Today was good for a little while but I tanked at some point later in the afternoon.  Maybe it was from my ride today that was less than subpar on Heidi.  I think a lot of it is stemming from so much bad mental issues and medical problems.
I went for my ride today after work and it's just not the same any more to tack up and ride.  While the temperatures have started to come back down, it's still not down far enough for Miss Heidi to not sweat.  I am beginning to wonder if it will ever cool down enough to ride her again without her working herself up.  Add that to them working on an underground water pipe out back had them all sorts of wound up and Heidi had no desire to listen and settle.  We did a LOT of trotting work and I had the urge to canter her but then I didn't at the same time.  I want to canter again, I really do, but I am also so scared to do it at the same time.  I honestly want to get some lessons and I just want to help get myself better. 
I hate to think about monetary issues but this is where my brain is going right now.  I want to do Dog classes with Willow, I want to do riding lessons but I'm still eyeball deep in debt that needs to be addressed.   I am still considering picking up a part time weekend job.  I'm also afraid to pick up that weekend job and then in turn miss out on so many other things that I can do.  My rabbits seem to be doing fairly well and I would love to continue them but they also take money to continue raising and showing.  Fair enough though is they don't take as much monetarily as the horses do.  Right now so many of my rabbits are so against me playing with them, they aren't terribly cuddly and I run through them so fast that I don't do much with them.  Sometimes it does make more sense to sell out and discontinue them so I have more time to focus on so many other things.  I also think that I've put so much into getting them to where they are that I shouldn't just bail on it and give up.  It's just a conflicting thought in my mind. 
Honestly I need some one to just sit down and talk to me and help me ponder through this. I need to hang tough and keep trudging until something shows it's self.  So far this year hasn't been the star year that I had been aiming to have.  I have cleared one bill, out of 3.  One still has just under a year left an the other, well . . . that would be credit card debt.  I keep trying to pay it down and it's going but it's going slowly.  I think part of it is I need to get a budget set down and stick to it as tight as possible.  It should be much easier as now Jess is finally working again and I am not spending extra money on things for the house that people need.  I've been giving extra in to make sure dad and I have the things we need for our work lunches and I know we've had outside help as well but it's been hard to even think about this.  Hopefully going forward we should all start doing better.  I'm glad that I'm still here, I don't know how mom and dad would have made it without me here but it's been tough for me because of all my own personal medical issues and mental issues but for the time being I guess I need to just get this mental issue under control and then go forward.  I still wish there was someone that knew me that knew how to help me understand but alas, the lack of friends does not help. 

Monday, August 28, 2017

Keeping up the fight.

This week of vacation that has just started has started in such a good mood.  I haven't bothered to check my weight.  it is still high, higher than my last doctors appointment but for the time being I am okay with that.  I just picked up the new insoles for my sneakers so I can start taking walks in the mornings when I get up and I hope to take a few long walks each day and maybe that will help.  I just got a voice message from the doctors office and they need to move my appointment because Dr. Baker won't be in the office.  I will have to call first thing in the morning and see what I can do to get in this week.  I have to.  I don't have my other choice but to get it done this week, I can't take more time off to get all the way back into Owingsville after I've started to do more bloodwork.  I will call them and see if I can at least go in and have blood drawn Thursday morning and have them at least run the T3 tests.  I'm going to keep pushing, I want to be put on a T3 supplement to see if that will help since the Wellbutrin did not.  
So Saturday I took Jess with me down to visit Grandma and we had a pretty good time over all.  Then I came home with the intention to clean and reorganize the barn.  Which I actually got done with Jess' help.  She helped me move the new cages into the barn.  So I got several things reorganized and I have the rabbits settled.  So Sunday I was able to get my mini running table set up and get all the English Spots on it to run.  I'm still working tonight, Monday, on getting them uploaded to Facebook.  I am hoping with the new video of 1BC2/Polly up I will be able to get her sold.  I might go ahead and raise the price on her now since I'm putting a bit more work and time into getting her show ready.  She's a really nice little doe. I just can't keep her.  I took Hide out and was playing with her, and realized it's not a her, it's a him.  So I got some new pictures of him and I am going to sadly list him for sale.  It's kind of sad, I had hoped it was a doe in hopes of keeping it as an offspring of Connie's in the barn but I will have to try and re-breed her again.  She's keeping her weight well so I might try it with Willie once he comes home.  I right now have Natalie bred to Lantis, the tort buck, but I want to wait for a blue to breed Connie.  It's kind of sad really.  I REALLY liked Hide.  Well marked, nice body type.  The steel markings are VERY light but he'd still make a good brood buck if he doesn't molt out into all black or into more steel markings.  Tis a very sad situation with Hide.  *Hopefully* he hasn't bred his momma, I just weaned him despite he's just under 4 months old.  I thought it was a doe and I left it at that and figured Hide as fine staying with momma.  Well I was wrong on sexing.  I'm not usually wrong but I haven't checked Hide since he was 3 weeks old.  I almost always re-check at 6-8 weeks.  I didn't.  I made a mistake.  Not a mistake I will make again.
I haven't ridden at all since the last time I wrote partially because I have been lazy and tired, and partially because of lack of motivation and lastly, it's because of poor weather conditions.  It's been hot and gross and that bugs Heidi with the heat.  Either hot and humid or wet and rainy.  I haven't had much choice in the weather.   This week Tess has had a round of Cellulitis spurring from some bad thrush.  I feel so awful about not noticing the thrush until she was 3 legged lame on Saturday.  She wouldn't even put weight on her right front hoof.  I feel awful.  I still feel awful even today.  Sunday when I figured out that it wasn't just a puffy leg.  So I texted Patrick telling him what I had and what should I give her, and he said Excede, so off to the clinic I went and got her a big shot of Excede Sunday morning, came home cleaned her feet out and put Iodine in all 4 of them and the big shot of Excede.  Today I switched back to the Blue Kote but at least this evening the swelling and heat are gone.  So I am hopeful tomorrow afternoon to get a good ride in on Heidi and maybe ground work Tess some.  I am a little weary to start working her this soon but I also moved Michael coming to trim up to as soon as he can.  I will have to step up and treat their feet way more often than I have been.  I have also blocked them out of their run in, to keep their feet from being in the muck.  I really need to do something about that run-in situation.

Monday, August 14, 2017


Everything has been tossed into a blender lately and this past weekend was what tossed it to the blender.  
Marty asked me for some bunnies so I bred a few does, but we shall see what comes of it.  I've kind of started thinking about keeping them slim and seeing what happens from there.  I kind of don't want them to weigh me down and I kind of wanted to start getting rid of them.  I have a few things on my mind and I will see where it goes before I totally can the rabbits completely.   
It was the first time in a bit over a month that I actually talked to Rachel.  She even started the conversation.  It didn't last long as per usual she ditched me for someone else but she started it and carried it for a little while.   I still felt like she didn't tell me the whole truth as to what was going on.  I told her what was going on here.  I don't know what to do about her right now.   Partially don't trust her anymore.  Michelle went down and visited the old farm and makes me miss it more and more.  I've been going through all my old pictures of the farm.  
At least Eeyore and Dakota are still there.  I figured Spudley, Camile and Beauty had all passed on by now.  Last time I was up there 4 years ago it felt like Gena hadn't wanted to see me so I've refrained from really wanting to go visit again.  Michelle told me that my leaving was very hard on her.  I hope she understands how hard everything was on me to pick up and move 1600 miles away and start over.  I saw it as a new opportunity to start over.  In so many ways I am glad to have done it.  I've really gotten to know the other side of my family(my dad's family) and I've really enjoyed knowing them.  Had I not moved down here, I wouldn't have my three girls, Heidi, Tess and Willow.  I am enjoying my job for the basic part, which I couldn't do up there.  Only down part has been all the medical issues that I have had which are common for people down here.  I do still wonder what life would have been like with different choices in the past. 
It made me sorely miss Jasmine and Phoenix, as they are VERY similar to Heidi and Tess.  Just they way they act and behave is so very similar.  I would LOVE to be able to afford to get a third horse but as of right now I need to make other steps in life before I can do that.  I must content myself with what I have for years to come.  

I am so happy with how things are going.  I've been feeling okay.  Last night was a night I woke up in the middle of the night in a hot flash kind of feeling, about 15 minutes later I was cooled off enough for my sheet and back to sleep I went.  I haven't been on the scale in a few days but this week I have started having a Slim*Fast every morning for breakfast and I'll see how that goes.  Starting Wednesday I am going to go back to walking through part of lunch.  Even if Debbie doesn't.   I have to, I need to.  My weight has sat the same since my doctors appointment, actually it went up and has come back down to basically the same.  It's time to kick this crap to the curb and stay that way!  I am so tired of reading these Hasimoto's books and I'm just trying to live life and enjoy it and also get (and Keep) my Hasimoto's in check.  It's autoimmune so it's there for life now but I'm ready to take my life back.  

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Looking Forward

It's been a whirlwind few months here in Aya Sora's land.  Most of it has been a roller coaster but there are still a few things that are not.   On the biggest positive side is my Springleaf loan is paid off.  I've created a new 'budget' so to speak to rebalance where money goes and it does give me a little more monetary freedom going forward.  Good to start putting money away for a deposit on an apartment- so long as my car and truck allow me to!  Right now I need to save up and get 2 new tires for each of them. The truck's front right keeps going flat and the car's are just practically bald.  That is kind of what I get for buying cheap-ass tires on the car, they last 2.5 years and then they are toast.  Not bad considering.  Car does need another new alignment so I might call a tire place and see if I can't just get it done and re-aligned while it is there.
I finally have gone back to the doctors and got a bunch of tests run, still not the 3 I wanted done but those can wait for next time.  I got the diagnosis of Hasimoto's hypothyroidism and it does explain so many things.  I've ordered in a few books that will help me understand this disease and with any luck I can control it and learn to deal with this and move forward from here.  It's an autoimmune disease of the Thyroid and it's basically where my body is making antibodies against my own thyroid.  Where it comes from I don't know how it happened I don't know or understand yet but I have only read that I can put it back into remission and keep it there with a good control of medications.  So next doctor visit I will have him run the other tests to see what I should be doing medication wise and see what I can't do to regain control.  That should all help me on my end game of losing weight and getting fit.
The horses have been fantastic.  I've been out riding, I put a saddle for Tessa on my credit card (which I shouldn't have done but I couldn't resist) and I've had her out western and with Heidi staying English I should be doing alright.
While I am still not amused with the way I look at least I am *now* got a fighting chance to get things situated and going correctly.  We will continue onwards, upwards and forwards.   

Willow has been fantastic she's always by my side and when she's not she's by the front door waiting for my return with eagerness.  She doesn't approve of me leaving her behind but when we had hit that super hot spell of 90+ for a week I got really stressed on our drive home as she was just so flippin hot but now with it cooler again I can go back to taking her everywhere without fear and I can go back to horseback riding again.  We still need to get back to some kind of training regimen but that will come with cooler temperatures.  I have off for the big dog show- as I have for the past 2 years and that is going to be our interesting drive to see if we really want to go up there and 'shop' or more so look around and just basically see what's up there.  It's my vacation week and I have plans to do a few things at least.  Not like last year when I didn't do anything for vacation.  I want to go back to Old Friends again and maybe go down to Natural Bridge and hike that with Willow.  I do have my follow up at the doctors office but that is only 1 day out of the 10 I have off(well Labor day I will likely be going into work in the morning but that's all good).

Last touche subject is the rabbits.  I am slowly getting them to a good point.  I have finally 1 blue
 english spot doe Miracle(fondly called Mirror), and the two blacks that I am keeping- Cricket and Lindsay.  Lindsay's sister Miranda is going to Texas next month and a blue buck named Trick is coming in, in exchange.  Transport has already been paid and I am thoroughly eager to get a good solid base of blue going.  Sadly none do trace back to my original 3 English Spots but I kind of knew that was going to happen.   The dutch, I think I'm going to weed down to 3 pairs, since I have a blue buck coming in this fall, Willie, I am picking up a Sassy son, which is a tort buck since that's my last hold on Syd's bloodlines.  Syd is the only offspring of Neena's I kept and she was the literal only child of Kitty's, as Kitty only had 2 babies to start with and killed one of them at 3 weeks old, so Neena got weaned early.  Neena was gifted to a friend and was told if she ever got rid of her to tell me and I would go get her but of coarse she sold her and the line was gone once I lost the last of the Syd related offspring.  So now with Legends and Chaucer tracking back to Rafik, Sassy's son tracing back to Syd and Colby(Not my homebred Colby Jr), Legends tracing back to Sam, and Hide, Natalie and Connie all tracing back to Amelia I have my foundation lines back.  I will likely keep the three bucks, Willie, Sassy's son and Chaucer and then keep 3 or 4 does total.  I will still need to get a tort doe to go with Sassy's boy.  He still needs a name.    

All in all I actually feel like I am going the right direction in life.  Things are getting muddled here and there but moving forward.  

Friday, May 19, 2017

Stopping to Vent

I have been on a destructive downward spiral this week and I keep telling myself to stay the heck away from Facebook.  Facebook has been a big sting for me lately.
Start with the weight loss.  All the friends that keep losing weight and saying 'If I can do it, so can't you' and it's just bugging me.    I mean I'm putting a TON of steps in daily, I'm really not eating all that much and it's fairly decent meals when I am and I *still* cannot for the life of me lose weight.  I'm stuck in the same 10 pound range.  Even not eating well I'm still in the same 10 pound range.  It's getting to be disheartening and if I just focus on that then my brain cannot think straight for everything else.  It has crossed my mind at one point to just cut it off literally but then the whole bleeding and making a mess and it's REALLY not that easy in real life kicks in, but I wish it were just that easy.
Actually having Mikey back at the clinic has made me into a much more cold hearted person.  It's actually really wrong.  I figured with him coming back that I was going to be cast to the side- Debbie thought not.  I was right.  Despite not wanting to be right.  Scotty the most has irritated me about it.  He knew the one day that Mikey was gone with Rex on a call and he kept walking around saying "Where is Mikey, I need Mikey" because there was a bull with a bad foot out back.  So I blew him off too.  I figured Scotty and Jeff would be the only two that if they weren't going to become so dependent on Mikey they would be the ones.  So far only Jeff hasn't proven to be that way but he hasn't done any cattle calls.  The one day I threw Mikey at them and I disappeared. I kinda said "fuck them, I hope they don't expect me to just pick back up to it when Mikey leaves for Vet School."  I actually have been thinking of just switching jobs completely.  I'm afraid to just go to a different vet office to work, assuming I could get into one, because I do like working with Doc- and well, Doc's about it really.  I'm okay with Debbie, Alicia and I keep Brenda and Heather at a distance but that's about all- the others I just plum do not trust in anyway shape or form.  They don't trust me so why should I trust them.
Add that to Mikey telling me I went into a really dark place on Monday.  Monday I was out trying to clean out the cattle pen and I kept chasing a baby Starling around so I could get it out into the open and kill it.  So I grabbed the cattle prod and kept shocking it.  I enjoyed shocking it until it came out into the open.  The second one I killed was kind of a mistake but it kind of landed on my head jumping out of the nest and I freaked out and kinda flung it into the wall.  Only reason we've been killing them is because they're over running the clinic and need to go but they are an invasive species and nothing is killing them except us humans.  This isn't who I am.  I don't know what is happening to me.  I'm turning into a monster.  I'm turning back to who I used to be back in Junior and Senior High and I have worked hard to get away from that personality type and to become an over all better person.  I need to do better.  I should go back to journally honestly.
Add that to the roller coaster emotional train because I'm too scared to call Dr. Jones' office and set up an appointment and have the lab work redone.  First find out if she'll run the tests that I want her to so that I can see about trading off to a different medication.  All I have wanted to do all afternoon is cry.  I haven't figured out the root cause of it either.  I just want to snuggle with Willow, Heidi and Tessa and just let it all go but part of me wants to know why.  The logical part of my brain is still.
I surprisingly haven't gotten onto the roller coaster ride of monetary frustrations.  It's all been what's going on around me.  I'm just at wits end as to what can I do?  I need to do something.  I need to go out and make friends, I need friends outside of family.  But then there's the whole thing of what on earth do I do with friends?  I hate going out places I hate doing a LOT of things.  Heck right now I don't even bother with my ex-best friends because they really aren't much of best friends anymore.  They only talk to me when they get around to it, they couldn't hold a conversation with me to save their lives so no point in bothering.  They also will only get a hold of me if they need something too.  It all has to stop.  I'm so tired to being used and dumped.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Enjoy Time

Time sure does have a way of disappearing on me as the weeks have rolled on by and it's almost May now.  I think I'm back to not having ridden in weeks again.  I really can't wait to get a saddle for Tessa.  Some part of me is now kicking myself in the butt for getting rid of all my saddles that didn't fit Heidi.  But at the time all I had *was* Heidi.  At that point I had, had no intention of getting a second horse.  Well I want to go back to riding Western.  Things I have yet to accomplish list is getting longer and I am not going anywhere on it.  The one thing to do is going to be to start making a lot of choices.  And they are hard choices to make.  I've been trying to let time do some of the deciding for me.  Time is fighting against me right now.  Again it's almost May and I've yet to lose any weight, I've yet to redo any thyroid panels and I've yet to get any bills paid off.  I've gotta do this, I've gotta get my head together and get myself together and GO.  
Part of me is still wanting to learn english so keeping Heidi under english for the time being.  I still have time to keep working Tessa on the ground and riding her with Heidi's english saddle.  The two girls look in really good shape, despite knowing my hay this winter has lacked in quality greatly.  But I think both girls have stayed in pretty good condition.  Other than that the girls have been really good.  Heidi's still a moody mare over Tessa but Tessa's still a little lover.  I still have to get the money set aside and I'm going to have Ben or Joe come out and float their teeth- both of them.  It might still be the sores on Tessa's lips and mouth as to why she's dropping feed but it could also be her teeth.  I finally took the big camera outside and sat there and took some pictures of them today, despite it was raining.  I had to throw out a few flakes of the rabbits hay to keep their attention.

I also sat outside for a little while with the bunnies and am really in love with my English spots and Chaucer.  I still am partial to not getting rid of all the rabbits but I honestly don't want them to
 tie me down as I am eager to step forward in life.  I originally wanted to get to a trio of each breed and call it good enough but I am now down to a pair of dutch and 5 English Spots.  Whoops.  Plus the two old girls.  Natalie is starting to lose some weight and doesn't look the best anymore.  I noticed when I got my hands on her today.  I feel awful.  Natalie's almost 5.5 years old.

I am contemplating moving her to a tiny cage and putting her back on the crock feeders and see if we can't get it back again.  I would have loved to gotten a gray baby out of her and a tort buck but alas I don't think it's going to happen.  I have her sister bred for one more litter from Chaucer.  After that I think both girls need to be retired completely.  They've done their jobs for me.  I still might get rid of a few of the Spots as I get them where I really want them.  
Willow is still doing awesome.  I've restarted the Fresh Factors to see if that will help her any with her itching.  I also REALLY need to get going on re-starting her training again.  I have lacked really badly being so drawn out and tired at work that I haven't done much over lunch lately if at all.  I even took a nap on Thursday.  First time I've ever napped at all there.  I have to go back to either walking or going to Lowes and doing training work.
So time to make my list of things that need to get done and get some more of them checked off.