Friday, May 19, 2017

Stopping to Vent

I have been on a destructive downward spiral this week and I keep telling myself to stay the heck away from Facebook.  Facebook has been a big sting for me lately.
Start with the weight loss.  All the friends that keep losing weight and saying 'If I can do it, so can't you' and it's just bugging me.    I mean I'm putting a TON of steps in daily, I'm really not eating all that much and it's fairly decent meals when I am and I *still* cannot for the life of me lose weight.  I'm stuck in the same 10 pound range.  Even not eating well I'm still in the same 10 pound range.  It's getting to be disheartening and if I just focus on that then my brain cannot think straight for everything else.  It has crossed my mind at one point to just cut it off literally but then the whole bleeding and making a mess and it's REALLY not that easy in real life kicks in, but I wish it were just that easy.
Actually having Mikey back at the clinic has made me into a much more cold hearted person.  It's actually really wrong.  I figured with him coming back that I was going to be cast to the side- Debbie thought not.  I was right.  Despite not wanting to be right.  Scotty the most has irritated me about it.  He knew the one day that Mikey was gone with Rex on a call and he kept walking around saying "Where is Mikey, I need Mikey" because there was a bull with a bad foot out back.  So I blew him off too.  I figured Scotty and Jeff would be the only two that if they weren't going to become so dependent on Mikey they would be the ones.  So far only Jeff hasn't proven to be that way but he hasn't done any cattle calls.  The one day I threw Mikey at them and I disappeared. I kinda said "fuck them, I hope they don't expect me to just pick back up to it when Mikey leaves for Vet School."  I actually have been thinking of just switching jobs completely.  I'm afraid to just go to a different vet office to work, assuming I could get into one, because I do like working with Doc- and well, Doc's about it really.  I'm okay with Debbie, Alicia and I keep Brenda and Heather at a distance but that's about all- the others I just plum do not trust in anyway shape or form.  They don't trust me so why should I trust them.
Add that to Mikey telling me I went into a really dark place on Monday.  Monday I was out trying to clean out the cattle pen and I kept chasing a baby Starling around so I could get it out into the open and kill it.  So I grabbed the cattle prod and kept shocking it.  I enjoyed shocking it until it came out into the open.  The second one I killed was kind of a mistake but it kind of landed on my head jumping out of the nest and I freaked out and kinda flung it into the wall.  Only reason we've been killing them is because they're over running the clinic and need to go but they are an invasive species and nothing is killing them except us humans.  This isn't who I am.  I don't know what is happening to me.  I'm turning into a monster.  I'm turning back to who I used to be back in Junior and Senior High and I have worked hard to get away from that personality type and to become an over all better person.  I need to do better.  I should go back to journally honestly.
Add that to the roller coaster emotional train because I'm too scared to call Dr. Jones' office and set up an appointment and have the lab work redone.  First find out if she'll run the tests that I want her to so that I can see about trading off to a different medication.  All I have wanted to do all afternoon is cry.  I haven't figured out the root cause of it either.  I just want to snuggle with Willow, Heidi and Tessa and just let it all go but part of me wants to know why.  The logical part of my brain is still.
I surprisingly haven't gotten onto the roller coaster ride of monetary frustrations.  It's all been what's going on around me.  I'm just at wits end as to what can I do?  I need to do something.  I need to go out and make friends, I need friends outside of family.  But then there's the whole thing of what on earth do I do with friends?  I hate going out places I hate doing a LOT of things.  Heck right now I don't even bother with my ex-best friends because they really aren't much of best friends anymore.  They only talk to me when they get around to it, they couldn't hold a conversation with me to save their lives so no point in bothering.  They also will only get a hold of me if they need something too.  It all has to stop.  I'm so tired to being used and dumped.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Enjoy Time

Time sure does have a way of disappearing on me as the weeks have rolled on by and it's almost May now.  I think I'm back to not having ridden in weeks again.  I really can't wait to get a saddle for Tessa.  Some part of me is now kicking myself in the butt for getting rid of all my saddles that didn't fit Heidi.  But at the time all I had *was* Heidi.  At that point I had, had no intention of getting a second horse.  Well I want to go back to riding Western.  Things I have yet to accomplish list is getting longer and I am not going anywhere on it.  The one thing to do is going to be to start making a lot of choices.  And they are hard choices to make.  I've been trying to let time do some of the deciding for me.  Time is fighting against me right now.  Again it's almost May and I've yet to lose any weight, I've yet to redo any thyroid panels and I've yet to get any bills paid off.  I've gotta do this, I've gotta get my head together and get myself together and GO.  
Part of me is still wanting to learn english so keeping Heidi under english for the time being.  I still have time to keep working Tessa on the ground and riding her with Heidi's english saddle.  The two girls look in really good shape, despite knowing my hay this winter has lacked in quality greatly.  But I think both girls have stayed in pretty good condition.  Other than that the girls have been really good.  Heidi's still a moody mare over Tessa but Tessa's still a little lover.  I still have to get the money set aside and I'm going to have Ben or Joe come out and float their teeth- both of them.  It might still be the sores on Tessa's lips and mouth as to why she's dropping feed but it could also be her teeth.  I finally took the big camera outside and sat there and took some pictures of them today, despite it was raining.  I had to throw out a few flakes of the rabbits hay to keep their attention.









I also sat outside for a little while with the bunnies and am really in love with my English spots and Chaucer.  I still am partial to not getting rid of all the rabbits but I honestly don't want them to
 tie me down as I am eager to step forward in life.  I originally wanted to get to a trio of each breed and call it good enough but I am now down to a pair of dutch and 5 English Spots.  Whoops.  Plus the two old girls.  Natalie is starting to lose some weight and doesn't look the best anymore.  I noticed when I got my hands on her today.  I feel awful.  Natalie's almost 5.5 years old.

I am contemplating moving her to a tiny cage and putting her back on the crock feeders and see if we can't get it back again.  I would have loved to gotten a gray baby out of her and a tort buck but alas I don't think it's going to happen.  I have her sister bred for one more litter from Chaucer.  After that I think both girls need to be retired completely.  They've done their jobs for me.  I still might get rid of a few of the Spots as I get them where I really want them.  
Willow is still doing awesome.  I've restarted the Fresh Factors to see if that will help her any with her itching.  I also REALLY need to get going on re-starting her training again.  I have lacked really badly being so drawn out and tired at work that I haven't done much over lunch lately if at all.  I even took a nap on Thursday.  First time I've ever napped at all there.  I have to go back to either walking or going to Lowes and doing training work.
So time to make my list of things that need to get done and get some more of them checked off. 

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Happiness

Today's been an extraordinary day actually.  It started out like it usually does.  Certain people being late (as always) and me being somewhat miserable because of the lack of outside runs to put noisey barking dogs.  But the day just got better.  Typical roller coaster kind of day but this one ended in an up.  I started with bleaching part of the back area so I could move the two runs over to the freshly cleaned and bleached area that was now free of bird crap.  While it was soaking in the bleach mix I walked over to Dollar General and picked up a cheap $5 tarp to cover the two runs, I was tired of seeing the dogs getting pooped on and their stuff getting covered as well since the runs were not covered anymore.  So cleaned, tarped and fresh blankets and water buckets out there and they were happy again.   Then freshly wore out from scrubbing the floor I went up front.  Jeff and Patrick were there getting meds together and asked what I was doing, they thought I had gone with Rex on his call this morning.  So I said no, he's a one man show and he doesn't take me.  Patrick figures it's because I'm a girl, but Patrick said I was a pretty good cow hand, then Jeff adds to it that I was useful especially on VanMeter's farm- which was the one in the rain we did and I was driving and he had been in the back trying to rope the cow.  I swore I had almost thrown him out but he said I was fine and I was safety orientated and a little over cautious if anything.  That I hadn't been expecting.  I know still that it'll go away once Mikey returns.  That thought keeps saddening me but I *MIGHT* get lucky and it doesn't.  I don't know. The future is always full of surprises and full of new and inventive things!  I'm still working things out with the other girls and a chunk of the time I still do spend solo and away from the rest of them.  I'm not their typical southern girl, I'm a country girl not afraid to get dirty and have to out think large animals.
I chatted a little bit  with Rae, Mich and Ky  and I felt pretty good even then, but then one night I got kept up by a couple of bunny friends with them just picking my brains, the one is starting to drive me crazy.  Okay both are, they've driven me away from Facebook and I'm about two steps away from taking the Messenger App off my cell phone.  Except for that's the easiest way to get a hold of Aunt Lisa and chat with her during the day.  Sometimes I just need to get away from people, places and things.  But I still can come home and cuddle with Heidi, Tessa and my own bunnies and be fine.  The great weather I think has helped a lot too.  It's been really good weather and it's finally spring.  I need to pluck up the courage to talk to Benny about renting the field from him for the big girls so I can drag, seed and put in some new posts in my field and dad can burn off the brush pile.  Might also give the field a bit more time to perk up and jump forward, depends a lot on what Benny says.  I still need to give more thoughts of what to do if I can't, cause I'm going to need to find some kind of summer pasture for them so I can save up for winter hay and a horse round bale holder to boot.  
Well I'm going to head towards bed I'm tired and I need to sleep a bit better tonight.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Standing Alone

Well Things have been so interesting lately and I think today was my final thoughts on so many things.

 I took Heidi for a longer trail ride this morning and I do need to do something about moving her and Tessa somewhere that I can actually ride more often.  Not the so much more often but somewhere safer.  Riding down the road is just not that safe.  I got a good clip down the road but it's still not that safe as Heidi worked herself up because of the traffic.  It goes by way too fast and I wasn't allowing her to spin around every time she heard something.  I eventually got her to settle down and we were fine but it's still a bit weird to have to fight her that much.  She sees the traffic go by all the time so she should be fine and the traffic should also know better than to fly down the road that fast because there's Amish that run up and down the road too.  I don't understand what people's problems are.  I am struggling with the choice to keep both mares.  It's hard to actually ride them when I have no where SAFE to ride them.  Up around the graveyard and back isn't much of a ride.  I need to get to where I can ride them over a lot more open fields than anything else.  As much as I do love them maybe they are the tough spot and I need to cut them back to just one and go back to boarding which I hated.  I don't know.  I would rather not sell one of my horses and would rather not board.  I will just have to figure things out.

The rabbits are an interesting situation.  I have decided to cut back to a pair or trio of each breed and let Flower go.  If I do decide to go with a trio I'm letting one blue dutch doe go(likely Hailey) and getting a gray doe so I have a blue, gray and a steel there and with the spots I will find and get a blue doe, and keep a black doe and the lilac buck.  That might also depend on how well he shows next weekend.  I may end up with a lilac doe and a blue buck depending on the color of the buck that I can find without spending an arm and a leg.  Or maybe bring them down to strictly a pair of each for meat. I do know that I need to make a choice.  My cages are old and coming apart and I either need to invest time into fixing them(buying new is out of the equation) or cut down the number of rabbits and start getting rid of the busted up cages. Fixing won't be hard just needs J-Clips and new wire as the trays are still good- nasty and need a pressure washer maybe but still in tact I should say.  The two old girls are still staying with me until they pass or start yo-yoing on their weight, then it'll be time to go.
Standing alone sucks, it's hard to determine what to do when you don't rightly know.  Part of my brain says I need to do something but another part of me just gives in and says go with the flow. Everything works out in the end.  I'm trying to balance so many things and not topple but I need to just chill out and relax at some point too.  I'm just trying to hang in there for 5 more months so I can get out from under Springleaf/One Main loan and then I can really put some effort into getting Capital one paid off, which I may be moving the balance to Discover when that card comes in since it's 0% interest for 14 months.  That'll give me a year to get that paid off in full.  Also gives me room to widget medical bills as well.  I still have to see about the taxes.  I'm not sure those can go on a credit card.  All research to be continued at some point in time over this next week.  I do know I am mentally ready to be on my own but between the rabbits and the horses I'm not at the same time.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Kindness

Everything has been back to upside down, backwards and inside out.  It's been awful few days for me and today got the worst I hope.  I don't know what is going on totally but I'm trying to research and find things out.  I've found my Zendocrine softgels and I plan on starting them tomorrow to run the test.  If I forgot to start them around lunch then I'll have to wait until next weekend.  I don't want to start them during the week just in case it sets my digestive track off.  I can't have my digest track get all out of whack while I am out on a farm call or something.
This sinus pressure is still unrelenting.  It's been a couple months that it's been there and research has shown me that the sinus problems are also an issue with the Hypothyroidism.  Part of it can be diet, fatty liver and so many other things.  It's insane the amount of research I have done on this.  I just can't believe it at times.  Something I researched and learned today was I may not have just Hypo, it might be Hasimoto's.  My hypo is behaving more along the lines of Hasimoto's- which is an autoimmune thyroid disease.  It can be spurred by the H.Pylori bacterial stomach infection.  Which I had a little over a year ahead of being diagnosed with Hypothyroidism.  I know I had been having issues with the hypo long before it was diagnosed.  Normally hypothyrodism runs in the family which also makes me wonder if it's Hasimoto's.  But both are treated the same way.  I just don't think my medication is quite right.  It's quite daunting how so many things that I've been having issues with all tie back into the Hypo.  I just, my mind is so blown right now.  I have so much information logged in a notebook every time I learn something new- I get it jotted down and I have finally started to write down the source.
Adding to the mental burn out is work.  Going out on the farm calls helps to clear my head as I get to enjoy some of the prettiest countryside of Clark County and get away from all the clique' girls at the clinic but it's not often enough.  I am not fit enough nor strong enough.  Out of what they need me to be able to do I have a hard time doing it but I am the best thing they have to do it with.  I'm still afraid of someone getting hurt because of me and because I lack a lot of knowledge.  They know I am not afraid to try something nor afraid to get dirty.  I will do whatever I have to do to get the job done.  It's just hard when I get back to the clinic and everyone else slacks off because they know I'll turn around and do it all just to get it done.  I'm getting burned out on it.  Part of me hates going on the farm calls because it's hell to catch up when I get back, the other part just hates the co-workers.  Then the other part is now 3 days a week I am solo in the mornings.  Monday's I don't care about- there's not much there anyway but Wednesday and Thursdays are rough.  I'm there at 6:30 am and it's just crazy trying to get everything done on time.  They need to do the floors at 5pm when the close so it's easier on me to have Brittany back again.  Not that she shows up on time.  It's normally 5-10 minutes late for her daily.  I go in, I start the coffee pot, depending the temperament of any animals in the surgery room I do them or skip them.  Then start the kennel.  It's been a rough few weeks and honestly I don't know if it'll get any better or worse when Mikey comes back after the semester.  I know I'll lose the farm calls at that point but I don't know what I'm going to do.  I'm just watching and waiting.  Looking for a different job still but not sure what'll happen.
To get off the sad subjects, the horses are doing good.  Had i been feeling better this morning and today in general I might have grabbed one for a ride.  So instead I'll have to grab one for a ride tomorrow instead. Tomorrow's supposed to be nicer than today anyway.  I'll just be after morning clinic, church and meeting with Kayelynn for a bunny.  I hope I can start getting Tessa worked some more too.  I have to start with her after work too.  I'm going to just plum start her back at ground work again.  Both need the ground work. I want to get them to the point that Jazzy, Lindy and Phoenix were at.  Heidi's at the same point as Lindy- but part of me wants the bond that I have with her to be like the bond I need to form with Tessa.  I am fearful that she will not work for me and that she will turn into a man's horse again.  She remembered Michael when he came, she just stuck her nose right into him and breathed deep.  Michael was the first human she ever got to smell.  First thing other than her momma I am guessing.  Part of me wants to go breed her to that Grulla paint stallion
https://eastky.craigslist.org/grd/6037340344.html  or  https://www.facebook.com/CoolNShadySpartan/   and then raise that foal for myself.  Michael thinks Heidi crossed to Tessa's dad would throw a nice baby as well.  I'd still rather cross Tessa to a paint to keep it register-able.  Though Heidi to TBone wouldn't be a bad baby either!
Beau's Tacky TBone:
Easy to see where Tessa got her good looks from!  Michael said he's still looking good, he had trimmed him a few weeks prior to coming out to do my girls.  Sadly I just don't have the space nor the money to be able to think about breeding either girl.  It will be a pipe dream.  I'll work on getting them working well and get myself a western saddle.  First things first- get people paid up- Dad, Allen and Mikey.  Then I can get a saddle and so on!  

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Strength

Well it's been a good few days, less depressing for sure in the clinic.  My mood still swings a lot but I am doing a bit better job controlling it I think!
 I think a lot of it has been going out on the farm calls. I'm not in the clinic a lot of the day some days.  I am pretty sure Friday I was only in the clinic about 3 hours total.  Otherwise it was all outside working cattle.  It was pretty good.  Patrick finally trusted me, more than I did, to start catching their heads in the chute.  I only half missed one cow.  I got her behind her shoulders.  It was 3rd to last so Patrick didn't mind climbing back over the gates and helping me get her tagged and everything.  I still felt stupid for missing one but he said it really wasn't that bad, especially since it was my first time even attempting to catch their heads.  First load of cattle he was going back and forth over the gates, he was running them into the pen, alley.  Brittany had the back gate there.  I got the tail gate, Cydectin pour on and then the double ear tags(guy wanted a tag in each ear- with matching numbers).  Patrick was pushing them, giving shots, catching heads and castrating.  Second load Brittany still had the back gate, Allison had come out and was doing shots, I was catching, tagging and cydectin and Patrick was just moving them in the pen.  It went so much faster that way but it also had 2 vets outside.  At least it just gave Allison and me both more experience outside.  Her first time out working cattle at all and me catching heads in the chute.  At least now I know I can do it.  I was kind of scared to do it but Patrick trusted me to be able to do it and he was right.  I know this won't last long, I know they'll go back to using Mikey once he returns.  That kind of makes me sad.  I mean I won't mind having him around again but that'll mean I'm stuck at the clinic and only going outside when he's out on a farm call with one of the others.  Rather sad.
I have started to find ways to actually lose weight just walking again too.  I've gone to just a much higher protein intake and it seems to be helping. At least with a small meal at lunch that has a much higher protein level and protein bars in the morning for breakfast.  Then walking over lunch seems to help a LOT.  I am still keeping my step count down at 10,000 steps a day, even though this last week I averaged 15,000, most over that but one day was 14,800 something.
I still have to do something about the lack of money I have.  I just have to keep telling myself 5 more payments to OneMain and they're DONE.  I kind of can't wait.   I'll have other bills by that point I am sure.  I will still be working on paying of Mikey, dad and Allen but I have to do something.  Part of my brain wants to try for a bank loan to pay off everything and then just work on the bank loan but that'll be another couple of years to get that paid off and I don't need that.  I do think I am going to cancel my gym membership for the time being, once it comes up in May.  I've only been using the walking track so there's no point in continuing to pay for the gym when I don't use the rest of the gym.  I am under contract until May at least so there's no point in fighting that.
The horses got their feet done today and as I feared I knew Tessa's were bad.  I am sure they were overdue when I picked her up and yeah, I should have called and had Michael come out back then because she had some thrush brewing and he said it was likely from before I got her back since her feet didn't appear to have been trimmed in a long time.  So tomorrow I have to go and pick up some blu-cote or thrush buster to put on her feet a few times more.  So now I can go back to riding.  Still need to save up for a treeless western saddle for Tessa but I can still use Heidi's saddle for the meantime.
The Wellness challenge through the gym that I am doing is going okay so far.  Only down 3.2 pounds in the 4 weeks, coming up on the 5th weigh in this Wednesday.  But I am learning a lot more this time around than I have last year on the 6 months of Weigh Watchers I did.  The Wellness Challenge has  small required coarse requirement with it.  We have to take at least 5 classes out of all the ones offered.  I did my first one "Fitness with a Physician" on Tuesday.  Well I had a bunch of questions for her- all stemming from the hypothyroidism and I knew if she couldn't really answer the first one, the rest wouldn't make a difference.  So of coarse I put in so much time walking at the gym and then finally meeting up with Dr. Jones and I walked a couple more laps before I fell in next to her and asked her.  So naturally as I figured she had no answer for any of my questions.  I didn't even bother with any of the other questions.  I knew it was a lost cause at that point.  I did however meet one lady that has the same Hypo problems that I do.  She gave me some pointers and a different wellness coach that I can go to and she should be able to help.  Now to see if my insurance will cover them.  That's for tomorrow afternoon.  After Church in the morning I plan to head over to the gym for an hour and walk.  Just walk for a while and see what happens.   I haven't gotten myself to the point yet of wanting to try swimming again.  I didn't even shave tonight so hairy legs and swimming are not friends at this point.  Besides I think walking for a while will still do some good.
I should be able to start riding again later this week, it'll warm back up.  Winter has finally showed up for one last gasp.  Nights are cold and the days are passable.  My Hypo makes me less tolerant of the cold and the heat.  I'm ready to be fitter and a tad more in control of my life!

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Acceptance

 I have decided that I have need to get my weight down.  But I think first things first, I need to accept myself the way I am.  I hate the way I am and if I don't change my mentality, nothing else will ever change.  I have to admit a few things before I totally change things.
A lot of things that need to change is all in my head.  those things that have to change is the way I think, the way I do things and the way I carry myself.  Then theres the outer things that need to change.  The continual fatigue, the aching body and joints and the stupidly sore foot.  The last is from my own stupid mistake that will haunt me for a LONG time.  The prior or mixed up and wrong medication for the thyroid.  I'm still researching and am not ready to go up to my doctor just yet.  I want to be 'armed to the teeth' with information.  I also fear that being armed to the teeth will still not get me anywhere.  I have way too much fear.  I feel like I'll just keep clammed up and not say anything and let her run another set of labs for it to give me the same result that it has been giving me.  I almost think I shouldn't bother.  Wait until I have the money to get a hold of an endocrinologist or a natural doctor.  I don't know.  Things are just so difficult to make heads or tails out of it.  It's hard when I don't have anyone around me that's going through the same issues that I am that I can talk to and relate to.   
Thinking of talking to- I haven't talked to any of my friends in at least a week.  They're both always so busy and can't even sit and hold a conversation with me.  I'm an after thought to them, they only bother with me when they want something from me. 
So far my own personal weight has started to come down and it's starting to help but yet so far I've not given myself the shove that I need to get going into this.  I missed the first class that I wanted to go to for the Wellness Challenge because of the pure lack of motivation.  I'm still learning towards getting rid of the rabbits.  I mean I love my dutchies and I do like having back the English Spots but what else can I do?  I'd have to get rid of everything else, except Willow, to be able to keep them.
Money, again the root of the evil, I have to get things paid for and I think I am honestly the lowest paid person at the clinic.  It could just be the my bills are still too high and I'm trying to go solo but there's no way to truly know.  I still haven't even attempted to call places about one bedrooms.  I have a couple of phone numbers to call.  
Tomorrow is the 3rd weigh in for the Wellness Challenge and hopefully I have lost, if I've stayed the same then I'll have more of a swift kick in the ass to get it going.  I really need to get going on this weight loss. Been such a depressing couple of days, I think this weather we've been having in combination with Grandma being so depressing on Saturday and working every Sunday morning and not really having any time to do anything for myself has taken it's toll on me.  I keep trying to tell myself to skip visiting Grandma but I can't do it.  I just have this bad feeling that I'll start skipping and then she'll be gone.  She's been on a downhill slide it seems for the past couple of months and I'm not ready to lose my last living grandparent.  I don't remember either grandfather as it stands, and What few memories I have of Grandma Kauffman are old as she died way back in 1997 I think.  I don't even remember.  Anyway, Mom's keeping me up late because she wants to shower and all I want to do is brush my teeth and get ready for bed.