Sunday, March 26, 2017

Standing Alone

Well Things have been so interesting lately and I think today was my final thoughts on so many things.

 I took Heidi for a longer trail ride this morning and I do need to do something about moving her and Tessa somewhere that I can actually ride more often.  Not the so much more often but somewhere safer.  Riding down the road is just not that safe.  I got a good clip down the road but it's still not that safe as Heidi worked herself up because of the traffic.  It goes by way too fast and I wasn't allowing her to spin around every time she heard something.  I eventually got her to settle down and we were fine but it's still a bit weird to have to fight her that much.  She sees the traffic go by all the time so she should be fine and the traffic should also know better than to fly down the road that fast because there's Amish that run up and down the road too.  I don't understand what people's problems are.  I am struggling with the choice to keep both mares.  It's hard to actually ride them when I have no where SAFE to ride them.  Up around the graveyard and back isn't much of a ride.  I need to get to where I can ride them over a lot more open fields than anything else.  As much as I do love them maybe they are the tough spot and I need to cut them back to just one and go back to boarding which I hated.  I don't know.  I would rather not sell one of my horses and would rather not board.  I will just have to figure things out.

The rabbits are an interesting situation.  I have decided to cut back to a pair or trio of each breed and let Flower go.  If I do decide to go with a trio I'm letting one blue dutch doe go(likely Hailey) and getting a gray doe so I have a blue, gray and a steel there and with the spots I will find and get a blue doe, and keep a black doe and the lilac buck.  That might also depend on how well he shows next weekend.  I may end up with a lilac doe and a blue buck depending on the color of the buck that I can find without spending an arm and a leg.  Or maybe bring them down to strictly a pair of each for meat. I do know that I need to make a choice.  My cages are old and coming apart and I either need to invest time into fixing them(buying new is out of the equation) or cut down the number of rabbits and start getting rid of the busted up cages. Fixing won't be hard just needs J-Clips and new wire as the trays are still good- nasty and need a pressure washer maybe but still in tact I should say.  The two old girls are still staying with me until they pass or start yo-yoing on their weight, then it'll be time to go.
Standing alone sucks, it's hard to determine what to do when you don't rightly know.  Part of my brain says I need to do something but another part of me just gives in and says go with the flow. Everything works out in the end.  I'm trying to balance so many things and not topple but I need to just chill out and relax at some point too.  I'm just trying to hang in there for 5 more months so I can get out from under Springleaf/One Main loan and then I can really put some effort into getting Capital one paid off, which I may be moving the balance to Discover when that card comes in since it's 0% interest for 14 months.  That'll give me a year to get that paid off in full.  Also gives me room to widget medical bills as well.  I still have to see about the taxes.  I'm not sure those can go on a credit card.  All research to be continued at some point in time over this next week.  I do know I am mentally ready to be on my own but between the rabbits and the horses I'm not at the same time.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Kindness

Everything has been back to upside down, backwards and inside out.  It's been awful few days for me and today got the worst I hope.  I don't know what is going on totally but I'm trying to research and find things out.  I've found my Zendocrine softgels and I plan on starting them tomorrow to run the test.  If I forgot to start them around lunch then I'll have to wait until next weekend.  I don't want to start them during the week just in case it sets my digestive track off.  I can't have my digest track get all out of whack while I am out on a farm call or something.
This sinus pressure is still unrelenting.  It's been a couple months that it's been there and research has shown me that the sinus problems are also an issue with the Hypothyroidism.  Part of it can be diet, fatty liver and so many other things.  It's insane the amount of research I have done on this.  I just can't believe it at times.  Something I researched and learned today was I may not have just Hypo, it might be Hasimoto's.  My hypo is behaving more along the lines of Hasimoto's- which is an autoimmune thyroid disease.  It can be spurred by the H.Pylori bacterial stomach infection.  Which I had a little over a year ahead of being diagnosed with Hypothyroidism.  I know I had been having issues with the hypo long before it was diagnosed.  Normally hypothyrodism runs in the family which also makes me wonder if it's Hasimoto's.  But both are treated the same way.  I just don't think my medication is quite right.  It's quite daunting how so many things that I've been having issues with all tie back into the Hypo.  I just, my mind is so blown right now.  I have so much information logged in a notebook every time I learn something new- I get it jotted down and I have finally started to write down the source.
Adding to the mental burn out is work.  Going out on the farm calls helps to clear my head as I get to enjoy some of the prettiest countryside of Clark County and get away from all the clique' girls at the clinic but it's not often enough.  I am not fit enough nor strong enough.  Out of what they need me to be able to do I have a hard time doing it but I am the best thing they have to do it with.  I'm still afraid of someone getting hurt because of me and because I lack a lot of knowledge.  They know I am not afraid to try something nor afraid to get dirty.  I will do whatever I have to do to get the job done.  It's just hard when I get back to the clinic and everyone else slacks off because they know I'll turn around and do it all just to get it done.  I'm getting burned out on it.  Part of me hates going on the farm calls because it's hell to catch up when I get back, the other part just hates the co-workers.  Then the other part is now 3 days a week I am solo in the mornings.  Monday's I don't care about- there's not much there anyway but Wednesday and Thursdays are rough.  I'm there at 6:30 am and it's just crazy trying to get everything done on time.  They need to do the floors at 5pm when the close so it's easier on me to have Brittany back again.  Not that she shows up on time.  It's normally 5-10 minutes late for her daily.  I go in, I start the coffee pot, depending the temperament of any animals in the surgery room I do them or skip them.  Then start the kennel.  It's been a rough few weeks and honestly I don't know if it'll get any better or worse when Mikey comes back after the semester.  I know I'll lose the farm calls at that point but I don't know what I'm going to do.  I'm just watching and waiting.  Looking for a different job still but not sure what'll happen.
To get off the sad subjects, the horses are doing good.  Had i been feeling better this morning and today in general I might have grabbed one for a ride.  So instead I'll have to grab one for a ride tomorrow instead. Tomorrow's supposed to be nicer than today anyway.  I'll just be after morning clinic, church and meeting with Kayelynn for a bunny.  I hope I can start getting Tessa worked some more too.  I have to start with her after work too.  I'm going to just plum start her back at ground work again.  Both need the ground work. I want to get them to the point that Jazzy, Lindy and Phoenix were at.  Heidi's at the same point as Lindy- but part of me wants the bond that I have with her to be like the bond I need to form with Tessa.  I am fearful that she will not work for me and that she will turn into a man's horse again.  She remembered Michael when he came, she just stuck her nose right into him and breathed deep.  Michael was the first human she ever got to smell.  First thing other than her momma I am guessing.  Part of me wants to go breed her to that Grulla paint stallion
https://eastky.craigslist.org/grd/6037340344.html  or  https://www.facebook.com/CoolNShadySpartan/   and then raise that foal for myself.  Michael thinks Heidi crossed to Tessa's dad would throw a nice baby as well.  I'd still rather cross Tessa to a paint to keep it register-able.  Though Heidi to TBone wouldn't be a bad baby either!
Beau's Tacky TBone:
Easy to see where Tessa got her good looks from!  Michael said he's still looking good, he had trimmed him a few weeks prior to coming out to do my girls.  Sadly I just don't have the space nor the money to be able to think about breeding either girl.  It will be a pipe dream.  I'll work on getting them working well and get myself a western saddle.  First things first- get people paid up- Dad, Allen and Mikey.  Then I can get a saddle and so on!  

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Strength

Well it's been a good few days, less depressing for sure in the clinic.  My mood still swings a lot but I am doing a bit better job controlling it I think!
 I think a lot of it has been going out on the farm calls. I'm not in the clinic a lot of the day some days.  I am pretty sure Friday I was only in the clinic about 3 hours total.  Otherwise it was all outside working cattle.  It was pretty good.  Patrick finally trusted me, more than I did, to start catching their heads in the chute.  I only half missed one cow.  I got her behind her shoulders.  It was 3rd to last so Patrick didn't mind climbing back over the gates and helping me get her tagged and everything.  I still felt stupid for missing one but he said it really wasn't that bad, especially since it was my first time even attempting to catch their heads.  First load of cattle he was going back and forth over the gates, he was running them into the pen, alley.  Brittany had the back gate there.  I got the tail gate, Cydectin pour on and then the double ear tags(guy wanted a tag in each ear- with matching numbers).  Patrick was pushing them, giving shots, catching heads and castrating.  Second load Brittany still had the back gate, Allison had come out and was doing shots, I was catching, tagging and cydectin and Patrick was just moving them in the pen.  It went so much faster that way but it also had 2 vets outside.  At least it just gave Allison and me both more experience outside.  Her first time out working cattle at all and me catching heads in the chute.  At least now I know I can do it.  I was kind of scared to do it but Patrick trusted me to be able to do it and he was right.  I know this won't last long, I know they'll go back to using Mikey once he returns.  That kind of makes me sad.  I mean I won't mind having him around again but that'll mean I'm stuck at the clinic and only going outside when he's out on a farm call with one of the others.  Rather sad.
I have started to find ways to actually lose weight just walking again too.  I've gone to just a much higher protein intake and it seems to be helping. At least with a small meal at lunch that has a much higher protein level and protein bars in the morning for breakfast.  Then walking over lunch seems to help a LOT.  I am still keeping my step count down at 10,000 steps a day, even though this last week I averaged 15,000, most over that but one day was 14,800 something.
I still have to do something about the lack of money I have.  I just have to keep telling myself 5 more payments to OneMain and they're DONE.  I kind of can't wait.   I'll have other bills by that point I am sure.  I will still be working on paying of Mikey, dad and Allen but I have to do something.  Part of my brain wants to try for a bank loan to pay off everything and then just work on the bank loan but that'll be another couple of years to get that paid off and I don't need that.  I do think I am going to cancel my gym membership for the time being, once it comes up in May.  I've only been using the walking track so there's no point in continuing to pay for the gym when I don't use the rest of the gym.  I am under contract until May at least so there's no point in fighting that.
The horses got their feet done today and as I feared I knew Tessa's were bad.  I am sure they were overdue when I picked her up and yeah, I should have called and had Michael come out back then because she had some thrush brewing and he said it was likely from before I got her back since her feet didn't appear to have been trimmed in a long time.  So tomorrow I have to go and pick up some blu-cote or thrush buster to put on her feet a few times more.  So now I can go back to riding.  Still need to save up for a treeless western saddle for Tessa but I can still use Heidi's saddle for the meantime.
The Wellness challenge through the gym that I am doing is going okay so far.  Only down 3.2 pounds in the 4 weeks, coming up on the 5th weigh in this Wednesday.  But I am learning a lot more this time around than I have last year on the 6 months of Weigh Watchers I did.  The Wellness Challenge has  small required coarse requirement with it.  We have to take at least 5 classes out of all the ones offered.  I did my first one "Fitness with a Physician" on Tuesday.  Well I had a bunch of questions for her- all stemming from the hypothyroidism and I knew if she couldn't really answer the first one, the rest wouldn't make a difference.  So of coarse I put in so much time walking at the gym and then finally meeting up with Dr. Jones and I walked a couple more laps before I fell in next to her and asked her.  So naturally as I figured she had no answer for any of my questions.  I didn't even bother with any of the other questions.  I knew it was a lost cause at that point.  I did however meet one lady that has the same Hypo problems that I do.  She gave me some pointers and a different wellness coach that I can go to and she should be able to help.  Now to see if my insurance will cover them.  That's for tomorrow afternoon.  After Church in the morning I plan to head over to the gym for an hour and walk.  Just walk for a while and see what happens.   I haven't gotten myself to the point yet of wanting to try swimming again.  I didn't even shave tonight so hairy legs and swimming are not friends at this point.  Besides I think walking for a while will still do some good.
I should be able to start riding again later this week, it'll warm back up.  Winter has finally showed up for one last gasp.  Nights are cold and the days are passable.  My Hypo makes me less tolerant of the cold and the heat.  I'm ready to be fitter and a tad more in control of my life!

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Acceptance

 I have decided that I have need to get my weight down.  But I think first things first, I need to accept myself the way I am.  I hate the way I am and if I don't change my mentality, nothing else will ever change.  I have to admit a few things before I totally change things.
A lot of things that need to change is all in my head.  those things that have to change is the way I think, the way I do things and the way I carry myself.  Then theres the outer things that need to change.  The continual fatigue, the aching body and joints and the stupidly sore foot.  The last is from my own stupid mistake that will haunt me for a LONG time.  The prior or mixed up and wrong medication for the thyroid.  I'm still researching and am not ready to go up to my doctor just yet.  I want to be 'armed to the teeth' with information.  I also fear that being armed to the teeth will still not get me anywhere.  I have way too much fear.  I feel like I'll just keep clammed up and not say anything and let her run another set of labs for it to give me the same result that it has been giving me.  I almost think I shouldn't bother.  Wait until I have the money to get a hold of an endocrinologist or a natural doctor.  I don't know.  Things are just so difficult to make heads or tails out of it.  It's hard when I don't have anyone around me that's going through the same issues that I am that I can talk to and relate to.   
Thinking of talking to- I haven't talked to any of my friends in at least a week.  They're both always so busy and can't even sit and hold a conversation with me.  I'm an after thought to them, they only bother with me when they want something from me. 
So far my own personal weight has started to come down and it's starting to help but yet so far I've not given myself the shove that I need to get going into this.  I missed the first class that I wanted to go to for the Wellness Challenge because of the pure lack of motivation.  I'm still learning towards getting rid of the rabbits.  I mean I love my dutchies and I do like having back the English Spots but what else can I do?  I'd have to get rid of everything else, except Willow, to be able to keep them.
Money, again the root of the evil, I have to get things paid for and I think I am honestly the lowest paid person at the clinic.  It could just be the my bills are still too high and I'm trying to go solo but there's no way to truly know.  I still haven't even attempted to call places about one bedrooms.  I have a couple of phone numbers to call.  
Tomorrow is the 3rd weigh in for the Wellness Challenge and hopefully I have lost, if I've stayed the same then I'll have more of a swift kick in the ass to get it going.  I really need to get going on this weight loss. Been such a depressing couple of days, I think this weather we've been having in combination with Grandma being so depressing on Saturday and working every Sunday morning and not really having any time to do anything for myself has taken it's toll on me.  I keep trying to tell myself to skip visiting Grandma but I can't do it.  I just have this bad feeling that I'll start skipping and then she'll be gone.  She's been on a downhill slide it seems for the past couple of months and I'm not ready to lose my last living grandparent.  I don't remember either grandfather as it stands, and What few memories I have of Grandma Kauffman are old as she died way back in 1997 I think.  I don't even remember.  Anyway, Mom's keeping me up late because she wants to shower and all I want to do is brush my teeth and get ready for bed.  

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Strong

The weekend has proven to be a tough one for me.  After Friday's crazy cattle call and Scotty's ill placed pissy attitude it made me look harder at other jobs.  I at least got to talk a little bit to Rex this morning while I was doing morning clinic.  It was his idea to use me as the large animal.  He wanted to ask me make sure I was good with it.  I told him I was fine with it but I lacked a lot of knowledge.
First I should start with Friday.  Friday Patrick asked me to go with him on a farm call for a chilled newborn calf.  Okay no biggie.  Take Mikey's boots my fleece and I had my long sleeve shirt on, I figured I was fine.  On the way back down 627 towards the clinic we had to stop and help catch a calf that had gotten loose on Scotty at the clinic.  Well a lot of running back and forth, and dragging of the mostly sedated calf we finally got it back on the trailer.  After trying to roll over me in the ditch, then kicking Patrick's feet out from under him it was done.  Scotty was too 'hot and sweaty' to walk the 400 yards back to his own truck and I offered numerous times to walk back and go get it but the three of us climbed up in the truck and Patrick was going to drive us back down to get Scotty's truck.  Well we couldn't get a spot to turn so Patrick finally climbed out and said he would walk back down to get Scotty's truck.  Scotty didn't move nor even say thanks- nothing.  I had to slip Mikey's boots off my feet to move and slide over to the driver's seat and I drove the clinic truck back to the clinic.  I spent a few more minutes getting the truck cleaned up and re-organized back to what it should be and it was 1pm.  I got Willow and I got Patrick's two big dogs, Bode and Lucy, upstairs with me and Willow to eat a little bit of lunch.  Patrick had taken Tia and Taco with him to get some lunch at Subway   Both of us were back and functioning at 1:30.  I was still over heated.  I overheated badly running back and forth to and from the truck while working on the loose calf.  It took me a while to finally cool down. I still have to send a message to Kim to see what she has to offer change wise on my medication so that I start sweating again.  I felt awesome after all that running, and I know it helps with the weight loss.  I shall see soon what comes of it.
Saturday after visiting Grandma I tacked up and rode Heidi.  It felt GREAT to be back in the saddle again so soon.  I hope to keep continuing to ride.  I rode Tessa last Sunday then Heidi Saturday, hopefully I can keep riding at least ONCE a weekend.  Soon as it's warm enough and dry enough hopefully I can get some shorter rides in after work at night.  Assuming the light holds out good enough.  I am still intending to get rid of the rabbits.  I don't know how far I can actually go through with it but I intend to try.  Get down to maybe a full trio?  I don't know.  Part of me just wants to get rid of all of them and say to heck with it.  But I do love Chaucer, Connie, Natalie, Legends, Flower and Willie.  And of coarse Willie's not a Dutch, nor is Flower.  And they are two different breeds.
So I have to see what I can do and what will come from progress.  I will never stop looking for different things, especially a small 1 bedroom apartment.  I want to, I need to get my own place and move forward with life.  Heidi, Tessa and Willow will be with me.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Struggling

I have been on and off struggling to sleep and keep my system clear.  I started back on a multivitamin and after a few days of taking it with my lunch (if I took it with dinner I couldn't sleep, I knew that from before) and it has been leaving me nauseous so I've quit them for the time being and started the other ones.   

But still not feeling quite right.  One of the nights that I couldn't sleep so I was on the hypothyroid group on Facebook that I'm apart of and I was doing a lot of reading, then I started doing extra research on medications for hypothyroid and I've got a few different leads to work with. For the mean time it will mean going to a different doctor down in Lexington that will do the extra tests that several people has suggested.  Apparently only about 10% of the hypothyroid people do good on the simple T4 hormone supplement, like what I take the Levothyroxine.  The other 90% of the people the only thing the T4 supplement does is make their labs come out normal- the other affects of the hypothyroid stay the same.  The things like the mood swings, depression, lack of energy and lack of motivation to do things that the person once enjoyed.  Low self esteem, low self worth feelings and well, quite a few that I've posted before, it's a big problem and it's something I need to get sorted.    Well I don't have the energy to do half the stuff I once enjoyed.  I have at times, serious depression, the cold extremities that come from hypothyroidism and the lack of being able to lose any weight.  I mean I did 6 months on Weight Watchers last year and got down to 267 from 271, but I've gained that all back plus some, I'm back around 280 again.  Even going to the gym almost daily last year and counting points on Weight Watchers and I still couldn't lose weight.  From what I've been reading some of it's from the T3 hormone(that works with the T4 hormone) has two forms, Free T3 and Reverse T3.  The T3 levels aren't tested or checked, then add Leptin Resistance and Insulin Resistance that should be checked as well.  The research says the T4 hormones can put your routine lab work in normal ranges, but those would have to be tested separately and a vast majority of doctors won't do it.  So I found one doctor that will and they are down in Lexington.  I am going to attempt to see them come spring time.  If my T3 levels, Leptin and Insulin Resistance levels are too high or too low then maybe if I get those fixed it will help with everything.
The list of side affects that I've found and I have marked which ones I do feel(taken from MayoClinic):
  • Abdominal or stomach cramps
  • change in appetite-yes
  • crying -YES
  • diarrhea
  • false or unusual sense of well-being -Yes
  • fear -YES
  • feeling not well or unhappy-Yes
  • feeling of discomfort
  • feeling of warmth
  • feeling things are not real
  • feelings of suspicion and distrust -YES
  • hair loss-Some but seems to have slowed
  • headache
  • increased appetite
  • mental depression -YES
  • muscle weakness
  • nervousness -Yes
  • quick to react or overreact emotionally -YES
  • rapidly changing moods -YES
  • redness of the face, neck, arms, and occasionally, upper chest- Yes
  • restlessness -Yes
  • trouble getting pregnant
  • trouble sitting still
  • unusual tiredness or weakness
  • vomiting
  • weight gain
  • weight loss

I figured out it's gone downhill for a while and I don't know what's causing it for sure but maybe get a different doctor to check it all out.  So far Debbie and I have started back at the gym and so far Tuesday and Thursday are the only two days we don't go to the gym and those two days I need to start taking Willow back down to Lowes and start doing some training sessions with her, 3 days at the gym and 2 days working with Willow and hopefully that will start some weight loss.
I am still mentally back and forth about picking up the side job to work alongside the clinic or just wait it out and replace the clinic with a single higher paying job. It just kind of sucks that I'll be working a TON of OT to try and get Mikey paid off and then also get dad paid off for the car repairs.  
Car is sitting at Craigs this time because it started to drive really badly again.  Apparently it was just the alignment had gotten seriously bad.  I don't know how the alignment could have gotten so far off again.  I mean it was done in December.  Dad also asked them to check out the stalling issue, so the car wasn't done Friday afternoon but it should be done Monday hopefully.  No idea how much it's going to cost.  I still owe him a bit over $200.  I will keep pushing and keep struggling the best I can.  I will get it all paid up by July that much I do know!  I will figure it out and then at some point get to that doctor in Lexington.    

Horses have been good.  Heidi had that mild bout of something, which I chucked it up to gas colic.  I don't think she's as happy with the round bale this time around because it's got a bunch of weeds in it but she's going to have to make do with it.  I just hope springs around the corner I'm ready for spring weather.  I still have to do some work on finding a summer field to rotate the girls into.  I still have time.  

Friday, January 20, 2017

Equine Love

I have to say I haven't completely figured out my total fascination with horses when I look at my background.  I don't make the money to support them, but they have been my biggest fight to keep.  I have already started the sell out of my rabbits- albiet slowly but it's started.  I have every ounce of drive to keep them and I am already starting to look at summer plans for summer fielding for the two mares.  Heidi  is jealous of Tessa but Tessa's a much gentler lover than Heidi is.  I usually have to push Heidi away to be able to mess with Tessa.  I have been able to give both girls some good brushing and attention the past couple of days while it's been dry.  
 
I still haven't figured out why I was so driven to get Tessa back.  I have been trying and trying to figure it all out.  Something triggered it, and it wasn't seeing people and their Quarter Horses cause most of them didn't have Quarter Horses.  Mustangs, Morgans and Thoroughbreds really.  Something else set her into my mind and had me dreaming about her before I found her for sale.  
Now to rant just a little.  I wish I could find someplace that I could *trust* to take Heidi for a couple years and get her as far under saddle as Tessa is for me.  I know given a proper area and less MUD I could do it myself.  While I would LOVE to have them both at either Tamarack or at Lucky Charm to work on them and ride more I know it's not in my budget in anyway shape or form.

I have allowed my rabbits to fall to the way-side.  Part of me doesn't want to give them up- at least not the Dutch.  I have gotten a firm re-start but I now lack the time to go to shows and actually work on them solidly.  Breeding just for a few litters a year is STUPID.  I thought about keeping them just for raising a couple meat litters a year out of but we don't eat much rabbit ourselves.  Personally I'm not that big a fan of it.  

I've had a few places- well people- contact me about apartments, all of them are 2 bedroom or bigger.  I don't know how much I can stress I ONLY want a 1 bedroom for me and Willow.  It got me thinking about those shed homes, or Micro houses again.  The one that I have the website for has a 1 bedroom place for around $60k- seems a tad bit too high and then there's the location to put one after that, along with Septic, water and electric run to it and the foundation.  I just feel I could have so much more to give to this if I didn't have my girls at all.  I will keep working on it.  I have to, I must.

Right now I *need* to find my way around things and I need to get my life moving forward.  I have the greatest parents and supportive family around me that I can possibly have.  They may not agree with me on some times but they do help and support me the best they can!