Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Acceptance

 I have decided that I have need to get my weight down.  But I think first things first, I need to accept myself the way I am.  I hate the way I am and if I don't change my mentality, nothing else will ever change.  I have to admit a few things before I totally change things.
A lot of things that need to change is all in my head.  those things that have to change is the way I think, the way I do things and the way I carry myself.  Then theres the outer things that need to change.  The continual fatigue, the aching body and joints and the stupidly sore foot.  The last is from my own stupid mistake that will haunt me for a LONG time.  The prior or mixed up and wrong medication for the thyroid.  I'm still researching and am not ready to go up to my doctor just yet.  I want to be 'armed to the teeth' with information.  I also fear that being armed to the teeth will still not get me anywhere.  I have way too much fear.  I feel like I'll just keep clammed up and not say anything and let her run another set of labs for it to give me the same result that it has been giving me.  I almost think I shouldn't bother.  Wait until I have the money to get a hold of an endocrinologist or a natural doctor.  I don't know.  Things are just so difficult to make heads or tails out of it.  It's hard when I don't have anyone around me that's going through the same issues that I am that I can talk to and relate to.   
Thinking of talking to- I haven't talked to any of my friends in at least a week.  They're both always so busy and can't even sit and hold a conversation with me.  I'm an after thought to them, they only bother with me when they want something from me. 
So far my own personal weight has started to come down and it's starting to help but yet so far I've not given myself the shove that I need to get going into this.  I missed the first class that I wanted to go to for the Wellness Challenge because of the pure lack of motivation.  I'm still learning towards getting rid of the rabbits.  I mean I love my dutchies and I do like having back the English Spots but what else can I do?  I'd have to get rid of everything else, except Willow, to be able to keep them.
Money, again the root of the evil, I have to get things paid for and I think I am honestly the lowest paid person at the clinic.  It could just be the my bills are still too high and I'm trying to go solo but there's no way to truly know.  I still haven't even attempted to call places about one bedrooms.  I have a couple of phone numbers to call.  
Tomorrow is the 3rd weigh in for the Wellness Challenge and hopefully I have lost, if I've stayed the same then I'll have more of a swift kick in the ass to get it going.  I really need to get going on this weight loss. Been such a depressing couple of days, I think this weather we've been having in combination with Grandma being so depressing on Saturday and working every Sunday morning and not really having any time to do anything for myself has taken it's toll on me.  I keep trying to tell myself to skip visiting Grandma but I can't do it.  I just have this bad feeling that I'll start skipping and then she'll be gone.  She's been on a downhill slide it seems for the past couple of months and I'm not ready to lose my last living grandparent.  I don't remember either grandfather as it stands, and What few memories I have of Grandma Kauffman are old as she died way back in 1997 I think.  I don't even remember.  Anyway, Mom's keeping me up late because she wants to shower and all I want to do is brush my teeth and get ready for bed.  

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Strong

The weekend has proven to be a tough one for me.  After Friday's crazy cattle call and Scotty's ill placed pissy attitude it made me look harder at other jobs.  I at least got to talk a little bit to Rex this morning while I was doing morning clinic.  It was his idea to use me as the large animal.  He wanted to ask me make sure I was good with it.  I told him I was fine with it but I lacked a lot of knowledge.
First I should start with Friday.  Friday Patrick asked me to go with him on a farm call for a chilled newborn calf.  Okay no biggie.  Take Mikey's boots my fleece and I had my long sleeve shirt on, I figured I was fine.  On the way back down 627 towards the clinic we had to stop and help catch a calf that had gotten loose on Scotty at the clinic.  Well a lot of running back and forth, and dragging of the mostly sedated calf we finally got it back on the trailer.  After trying to roll over me in the ditch, then kicking Patrick's feet out from under him it was done.  Scotty was too 'hot and sweaty' to walk the 400 yards back to his own truck and I offered numerous times to walk back and go get it but the three of us climbed up in the truck and Patrick was going to drive us back down to get Scotty's truck.  Well we couldn't get a spot to turn so Patrick finally climbed out and said he would walk back down to get Scotty's truck.  Scotty didn't move nor even say thanks- nothing.  I had to slip Mikey's boots off my feet to move and slide over to the driver's seat and I drove the clinic truck back to the clinic.  I spent a few more minutes getting the truck cleaned up and re-organized back to what it should be and it was 1pm.  I got Willow and I got Patrick's two big dogs, Bode and Lucy, upstairs with me and Willow to eat a little bit of lunch.  Patrick had taken Tia and Taco with him to get some lunch at Subway   Both of us were back and functioning at 1:30.  I was still over heated.  I overheated badly running back and forth to and from the truck while working on the loose calf.  It took me a while to finally cool down. I still have to send a message to Kim to see what she has to offer change wise on my medication so that I start sweating again.  I felt awesome after all that running, and I know it helps with the weight loss.  I shall see soon what comes of it.
Saturday after visiting Grandma I tacked up and rode Heidi.  It felt GREAT to be back in the saddle again so soon.  I hope to keep continuing to ride.  I rode Tessa last Sunday then Heidi Saturday, hopefully I can keep riding at least ONCE a weekend.  Soon as it's warm enough and dry enough hopefully I can get some shorter rides in after work at night.  Assuming the light holds out good enough.  I am still intending to get rid of the rabbits.  I don't know how far I can actually go through with it but I intend to try.  Get down to maybe a full trio?  I don't know.  Part of me just wants to get rid of all of them and say to heck with it.  But I do love Chaucer, Connie, Natalie, Legends, Flower and Willie.  And of coarse Willie's not a Dutch, nor is Flower.  And they are two different breeds.
So I have to see what I can do and what will come from progress.  I will never stop looking for different things, especially a small 1 bedroom apartment.  I want to, I need to get my own place and move forward with life.  Heidi, Tessa and Willow will be with me.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Struggling

I have been on and off struggling to sleep and keep my system clear.  I started back on a multivitamin and after a few days of taking it with my lunch (if I took it with dinner I couldn't sleep, I knew that from before) and it has been leaving me nauseous so I've quit them for the time being and started the other ones.   

But still not feeling quite right.  One of the nights that I couldn't sleep so I was on the hypothyroid group on Facebook that I'm apart of and I was doing a lot of reading, then I started doing extra research on medications for hypothyroid and I've got a few different leads to work with. For the mean time it will mean going to a different doctor down in Lexington that will do the extra tests that several people has suggested.  Apparently only about 10% of the hypothyroid people do good on the simple T4 hormone supplement, like what I take the Levothyroxine.  The other 90% of the people the only thing the T4 supplement does is make their labs come out normal- the other affects of the hypothyroid stay the same.  The things like the mood swings, depression, lack of energy and lack of motivation to do things that the person once enjoyed.  Low self esteem, low self worth feelings and well, quite a few that I've posted before, it's a big problem and it's something I need to get sorted.    Well I don't have the energy to do half the stuff I once enjoyed.  I have at times, serious depression, the cold extremities that come from hypothyroidism and the lack of being able to lose any weight.  I mean I did 6 months on Weight Watchers last year and got down to 267 from 271, but I've gained that all back plus some, I'm back around 280 again.  Even going to the gym almost daily last year and counting points on Weight Watchers and I still couldn't lose weight.  From what I've been reading some of it's from the T3 hormone(that works with the T4 hormone) has two forms, Free T3 and Reverse T3.  The T3 levels aren't tested or checked, then add Leptin Resistance and Insulin Resistance that should be checked as well.  The research says the T4 hormones can put your routine lab work in normal ranges, but those would have to be tested separately and a vast majority of doctors won't do it.  So I found one doctor that will and they are down in Lexington.  I am going to attempt to see them come spring time.  If my T3 levels, Leptin and Insulin Resistance levels are too high or too low then maybe if I get those fixed it will help with everything.
The list of side affects that I've found and I have marked which ones I do feel(taken from MayoClinic):
  • Abdominal or stomach cramps
  • change in appetite-yes
  • crying -YES
  • diarrhea
  • false or unusual sense of well-being -Yes
  • fear -YES
  • feeling not well or unhappy-Yes
  • feeling of discomfort
  • feeling of warmth
  • feeling things are not real
  • feelings of suspicion and distrust -YES
  • hair loss-Some but seems to have slowed
  • headache
  • increased appetite
  • mental depression -YES
  • muscle weakness
  • nervousness -Yes
  • quick to react or overreact emotionally -YES
  • rapidly changing moods -YES
  • redness of the face, neck, arms, and occasionally, upper chest- Yes
  • restlessness -Yes
  • trouble getting pregnant
  • trouble sitting still
  • unusual tiredness or weakness
  • vomiting
  • weight gain
  • weight loss

I figured out it's gone downhill for a while and I don't know what's causing it for sure but maybe get a different doctor to check it all out.  So far Debbie and I have started back at the gym and so far Tuesday and Thursday are the only two days we don't go to the gym and those two days I need to start taking Willow back down to Lowes and start doing some training sessions with her, 3 days at the gym and 2 days working with Willow and hopefully that will start some weight loss.
I am still mentally back and forth about picking up the side job to work alongside the clinic or just wait it out and replace the clinic with a single higher paying job. It just kind of sucks that I'll be working a TON of OT to try and get Mikey paid off and then also get dad paid off for the car repairs.  
Car is sitting at Craigs this time because it started to drive really badly again.  Apparently it was just the alignment had gotten seriously bad.  I don't know how the alignment could have gotten so far off again.  I mean it was done in December.  Dad also asked them to check out the stalling issue, so the car wasn't done Friday afternoon but it should be done Monday hopefully.  No idea how much it's going to cost.  I still owe him a bit over $200.  I will keep pushing and keep struggling the best I can.  I will get it all paid up by July that much I do know!  I will figure it out and then at some point get to that doctor in Lexington.    

Horses have been good.  Heidi had that mild bout of something, which I chucked it up to gas colic.  I don't think she's as happy with the round bale this time around because it's got a bunch of weeds in it but she's going to have to make do with it.  I just hope springs around the corner I'm ready for spring weather.  I still have to do some work on finding a summer field to rotate the girls into.  I still have time.