Monday, June 29, 2015

Dreaming

     Well I've been doing a LOT of dreaming lately.  Yes I know you gotta play to win when it comes to the lotto but I shall continue to dream anyway.  I got so many dreams and so many wants and desires.  
     One of my dreams is to be debt free.  I can't wait to be debt free.  So many things to have to pay off and so little pay. When the debts are paid off(which right now will take a LONG time) I can actually enjoy things again.  I think even if I ever own the lotto, I'd still go into an apartment.  A decent sized apartment and I'd get my second puppy.  Having it shipped in would be seriously expensive to start with.  I'd make sure my car was sound and probably donate it to a good cause, and then look at a newer car for myself. Something comfortable enough for me, another human and both dogs in the backseat.  I know first thing to be done with a lotto winning- half goes into a savings or CD or something to be able to live off of.  Then second thing I would do would be to put 1/3 of what's left into an account to set aside for my horses.  Get them moved onto Full board and leave them at Tamarack.  There, done happy and set with them.  
     I've got some good training sessions on Willow.  I'd really like to have classes and see if that can counter balance where I've been lacking in her training.  I'm hoping to get her Rally novice title this coming weekend.  Then there's a beginning of August in Louisville that I'm thinking of starting Obedience A in.  Then from there it's all training for Bluegrass Classic at the end of the August.  I'm not sure if I want to swing back into Rally then or keep at the Obedience.  
     Who knows, I intend to keep my dreams livid and chin up.  Keep trying to live my life and my dreams!

Thursday, June 25, 2015

De-stressing!

     These last few days to even a week since the last post has actually been really good.  Michael was supposed to come the day after the last post, it was a day later because of the heat.  Amber is moving so well on those shoes.  He put ones on that had a little more heel support.  I grinned a HUGE grin of pure bliss the other day when I watched her gallop across the field to come over and get her grain.  Kylie and I rode the other day when she was here, both mares were great.  Heidi still doesn't much care to be ridden in the summer.  She really hates the heat still.  Last summer I was able to get her onto full board for the summer so she was in out of the heat.  This year just won't happen.  I wish Perry would put a run in out there so they really had a good spot for shade out there.  I'm still hoping he will.  It'll be easier in the winter so they can get in out of the weather on bad nights. 
     So far, not good, on the job hunt.  I have been applying to several more places and I just don't know what else I can do.  Though at least I have to admit, I might have a few people at work actually interested in the doTERRA now.  I was just telling them about the few that I do have myself and I had all the stuff with me today but Mikey was out sick and I wasn't going to go up front to talk to Kari about them.  So it shall really wait until they are ready.  In the meantime I am going to keep trying with them and just see where it goes.  If they're really interested in a class I am quite sure I can talk to Cathryn and find out when the next time she'll be up and see if she'll be interested in holding one more class for me. Even if it's at the clinic during lunch or something.  
     I started to work Willow again during lunch.  Tomorrow will have to be another short lesson because I do have to run to the Post Office as well and ship a few things.  Next show is in week and a half!  I can't wait.  Jess already decided to not go with us so hopefully I can just hop a ride from Owingsville as Aunt Lisa and Uncle Jim go by to West Virginia.  I still need to do it more.  
    I was talking to one of the girls that I sold some extra horse stuff to today and it really made me miss Bailey and it made me miss rehabbing horses.  I hated how much confidence I lacked back then and I'm more conscientious now and I know I can't afford it but doesn't make it any easier to help with the rehab.  I think I might try to get a job at a Thoroughbred farm.  I know there is no rehabbing there, but maybe get some retiree's off the track to try to start their retraining.  I'd really like to do the rescue and rehab myself though.  Maybe it is just that I miss Bailey.  I don't know.  I'd love to go to an auction and find one to rescue and rehab it back to health and find it a good home.  If I could win the lotto I'd buy my own farm and keep Heidi, Amber and Bahloo if Cathryn needed me to and then use some extra area to do some rehabs.  Everything is just calming to me right now and I have so many dreams and ambitions.  Now to start making plans and categorizing short and long term goals and making plans on meeting them!   

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Believing

        A lot of things have been processing lately.  I had three weeks between dog shows- and three more weeks until the next show.  This past three weeks I flopped some quite a lot at doing some more hard core training, I will not make the same mistake with these three weeks until our next show.  Next show I hope to do better.  I would like to place at least for her title show(assuming we qualify).  A lot of what we have to work on is her jumping up.  I haven't completely figured out how to make her quit doing it, and making her heel better.  
     Might have Jess coming with us, and Ayden, to see if it's something she wants to try doing.  I really hope she does, it could be something interesting to do, even if she never leaves Novice, just like me.  I can't seem to push Willow far enough to push her to off leash for Advanced- at least not quite yet.  I might follow the same route that Lisa is doing with Tinks.  Rally Novice, then Beginner Novice Obedience, then if we start doing good that way we'll come back and finish our Rally once we can start to work off leash really well.  Might take me a while and I might end up going into B before I can get there.  We did qualify with a score of 93 on our second show.  it gave us 7/8th place depending on the time as we tied with someone else for points but at that point it doesn't matter, they only place out to fourth.  
     The big girls have been pretty good.  Amber is still limping after her rough hoof trim.  I'm trying to put off calling Michael back to put shoes on her.  I've sent him a message to see what else I can do.  I've been putting the hardener on them to try and harden them up.  I know they needed that cut.  The sooner the better really.  Once we get her feet on the straight and narrow I know she'll be fine.  Just need to get her feet comfortable again.
     Just texted Michael, he'll come look at her tomorrow after work.  I can't stay late at work, I will need to take off at 4pm no if's ands or butts.  Hopefully I can get everything straightened away with her feet.  I really do miss riding her.  Heidi's my love bug on the ground, but when it comes to riding, Give me Amber any day!  I love both my girls very much though and I will see their love and care through the end of everything.  Heidi's feet are solid and she's totally set and ready to ride again.  If Michael doesn't take too long I will ride Heidi afterwards with the new girl Megan and her gelding Max.  If not I totally understand that as well, Amber's comfort comes first.  

     Anyway, Still job hunting, I have a very strong desire to get my own apartment for Willow and myself.  As much as I've finally started to get comfortable at the clinic, I know the costs of living are far higher than what I make.  I believe I can still find that job, I just have to keep faith and keep trying.  Maybe in the end I will find my dream man too.  Who knows.  Lord only knows what will happen.  

Friday, June 5, 2015

Hope

     I have been doing everything humanly possible to hold out as much hope as I can that my Pension check will come in this week so I can get caught up on my bills.  I'm just about ready to give up.  It's going to mean giving up a few things for a few months until it does come in and it's going to mean quite a few other changes.  
     I know one of the things I will have to give up is my doTERRA.  It'll mean one or possibly two oils a month.  This month is already on second month of very small orders.  I just simply don't have the money to continue with them.  I have gone to being very stringent with my oils and I have only used teeny tiny amounts because I don't want to run out until I have the money again to keep up and catch up with my oils.  I try to use a very small amount of my vetiver every night and it's helped me sleep a lot better.  I stopped using my diffuser because it was using too much oil.  I use one drop behind each ear of the breathe on the dry days to help fight the allergies, rainy days I don't bother with.  Lemongrass only when my foot starts to throb and balance on my feet only on work days- single drop each foot.  I know there's quite a few drops of oil in each bottle but I'm just not ready to run out of anything.  I don't know when I'll be able to get back on top of everything again.  
     I am so far stressed out that I finally stopped at the barn on Thursday.  Sandy wasn't there, she had already gone up to NY for the Belmont, so I knew I had a week free of her at the barn.  I stopped there and still all I could do was pull my girls(Whom came RUNNING to me) and give them some supper and brush them down.  I just don't feel comfortable there anymore.  I really don't like the idea of going somewhere else but I can't even force myself to ride out alone anymore.  Heidi I still can quite easily, she'll just go and I'm more than willing to ride her tomorrow.  Hopefully someone will come ride with me tomorrow.  I hate to put Amber on the back burner again while I wait for so long to have a dependable riding partner like Kylie.  
     I can't wait for things to start leveling out.  I have applied for a few more jobs, hopefully a higher paying one will pop up.  I do like the idea of working in a vet's office but the lack of pay to be able to sustain myself does not work too well at all.  I'm not living paycheck to paycheck, this is just getting too hard.  It's not that I hate this I just wish sometimes I had thought things through a lot more before I had quit Nestle.  I'm still have some regrets quitting there.  
     I know eventually I'll have everything sorted and everything on the straight and narrow.  Things are just making me depressed and I am fighting to keep myself above water.  I know things will take an upturn as soon as I can clear some bills.  I am hoping, praying that check comes in the mail each and every day.  

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Analyzing Stress

     I have been really trying to understand a lot of the stress, what it has been doing to my general well being and where it's coming from.  
     I know some of what it's been doing.  I lack any motivation to do anything, Monday, my day off this week, I ended up dozing on and off several times during the morning.  I finally had to get up and get moving or I'd have slept all day on and off like that.  It certainly didn't help a lot of things.  Also when I try to take the doTERRA vitamins it makes me incredibly drowsy so I had to jump back off of them and boom, I have energy again.  I don't know which one is causing the issue.  I might have to try them one at a time and see what happens.  Maybe there's one that's causing the problems.  I'll have to figure it all out as I am going.  My doTERRA hasn't even been helping the emotional roller coaster that I have been on.  I know Aunt Lisa had been telling me the same thing, just very strongly emotional.  I've been that way, along with severely angered and stressed.  There's just been nothing that's helping.  
     Some stress has been my lack of money for anything.  I got all but one bill paid, and got my entry for the dog show done, and I ended up with $34 left for one more tank of gas for my car.  I also didn't get a bag of horse feed picked up.  I'm fairly sure my rabbit food will last until my next paycheck so that isn't so worrisome.  It's going to mean yet another very small order from doTERRA.  I hate straining my money this hard.  I've been waiting for almost a month for the last of my pension payout so I can get bills paid and caught up to current.  I am praying it comes in sometime this week, but I did the same last week.  I just want to sit and cry with the lack of money and the bills piling up.  I know dad says it was the same for him when he was my age but this whole hormonal disaster I've been in is driving me crazy.  
     Some of the stress is Tamarack.  I know the stress between Sandy and I that I've carried since March with her is just adding up.  Ever since I started having issues with her, Willow has picked up on it and Willow barks and growls at her.  Sandy was stupid enough to stick her arm in my car window to pet Willow and Willow almost bit her.  Personally that's Sandy's own fault.  She shouldn't have stuck her arm in my car to start with.  Now she's pushing that Willow's not allowed on the farm, she's a liability issue.  I flat out told her if someone was stupid enough to let their kids run loose and not controlled and they stick their arm in my car window, they kinda deserve to be bitten.  If my dog is in my car and Perry has told me I could even let her out in the past, she is normally fine.  But now they're both against Willow being there.  The two of them are both so two faced and it's just not where I want to be.  I personally get flustered when I see Sandy so I haven't even been able to ride Amber properly.  She picks up on my tension very easily, much easier than Heidi does.  So I haven't been to the barn since Sunday when I finished up manes on TC, Bootsie, ChaCha, and Coco.  I also body brushed them.  I miss my girls but the farm makes my stomach turn.  Hopefully soon I can change all that. 
     Hopefully my check will come in the mail tomorrow so I don't have to worry too much about the money issue.  I plan to put some of it into a savings account and pay Heidi's board for June.  Bad part is that check has to come in sometime this week to pay board by the 10th.  That will give me a small/short amount of time to find another barn or to figure out where I can put them for a little while until I can get a new job.  
     Thinking of jobs, I'm still looking and applying to a lot of them.  I have heard today from Rex that we have a new vets office opening in Mt Sterling.  I might have to check them out, see if they'll pay more or even if the pay is the same, but a weekly paycheck and health insurance that covers dental.  I don't know if I want to start over at another office or not.  
     I've been looking into going back to school to finish up a photography degree and try to get a job in that field as I continue to go on with life.  Sadly this is only scratching the surface of what's in my head.  
     It's close to bed time, I am going to swing by the barn tomorrow just to hug my girls and give them their supper, then stop by and visit Aunt Cathryn and Aunt Lisa.  Maybe just a hug between Lisa and I will help both of us get into better moods.  

Monday, June 1, 2015

Broken

     I have finally gotten to the point where I feel completely broken down.  Work has been putting stress on me that I'm just caving under.  It's not like me to just cave under the stress.  I have gotten to where I just stay to myself, I keep thinking and wondering what I have done to earn this kind of treatment from the other older women that I work with.  It's just so much easier to deal with the vets and then keep to the back with Willow.  She always knows when I'm stressed, she lays with me and doesn't pester the crap out of me.  I have had so much stress at the barn as well, Sandy is just irritating me so much that I find it hard to keep my anger and frustration under control so riding Amber has also been a futile mission.  I lose my temper quickly when she decides to be lazy so I have chosen to be the smarter person and just do the right thing and stay out of saddle.  I've been doing bending and just friendly games on the ground.  It's the smart thing to do since taking Amber up to the outdoor arena is part of my frustrations, cause Sandy can watch me.  There's something different about her watching me now.  Amber picks upon my frustrations and it gets crazy.  
     Part of me just wants to switch barns, I don't really trust Perry anymore either.  I find it hard to trust Juan as well. I'm just in a very untrusting rut that I cannot pull myself out of.  Even my oils aren't helping as much.  It's psychological.  I know if I stopped bringing Willow to work, I could stay longer at the barn in the afternoons, but Willow is my release at work when I start to get frustrated or I get ticked off I go grab her and take her out for a walk and blow off some steam.  Then usually once I have blown off some steam I am good for a few more hours.  Last week I stopped working the dalmations again I just can't do it anymore.  I mean I didn't even do dog training with Willow last week.  I have a show in less than 2 weeks, I really need to get her out and training but my funk has not let me do it.  I just spend a lot of the time with her that I should be working on her training.  We skated by in our first show but she needs the work before our next show.  I might take her over to Alfie's to work some.  
     I do have to admit one of the only good things about the higher stress level's is my weight has dropped some more.  May 1st I was 272, June 1st today I am 266.5 I am going to try to keep the downward trend going.  Hopefully not through stress but I know the stress will be there, I just have to control it better.  Today is a cleaning kinda day.  Clean and re-organize my bedroom, I did the bathroom yesterday early morning so just see where my cleaning and organizing goes.  I may send a message to Aunt Lisa and see if she wants to meet at Lowes but I think we'll get rained out on a dog training session.  See if there's other 'tricks' that I can try with Willow.  I think I'm just going to dig deeper into working on making her heel and I think that will correct a lot of the issues.