Greatness

     The last few days have been phenomenal and I know I have been feeling it too.  I've been doing most of Willow's training as I could on lunch breaks at work, only spending half an hour doing so.  My other half an hour this last week was spent with Blake and Briley the dalmations.  I don't know how much longer I can feasibly work with them. I've gotten so used to working with Willow for the half an hour, then letting her out with Callie to play and wear the two of them out then taking Maverick outside and working with him if he's there.  Right now it's been leave Willow and go work with Blake and Briley for a half an hour and then come back and get Willow out and get her working for 15 or 20 minutes and then let her romp with Callie for about 10 minutes.  
     Our show on Saturday was great.  Willow didn't do as well as I had hoped for but she still did great.  Three of the signs that we had were not ones we had practiced at all.  The serpentine was the one that didn't worry me.  It's simple heeling and Willow had been doing pretty good with that.   The one, I don't know how to explain but the swap around, swapping the leash behind my back, I never practiced that one but we seemed to both do it quite well.  The last was the call front finish left.  I've done call front finish right but not left.  Gotta work on that one!  She turned into a jumping bean after that sign and we finished with her jumping up and down so that needs some work as well.   Next show is in 3 weeks, just a single Rally show cause we don't wanna get up that early to do both.  We've gotta keep cracking!  She's been by my side ever since then.  Which I don't mind at all.  
     I've been riding a LOT.  I've started to feel that in my legs.  Right above my knees on the outsides of my leg.  They're sore but it's not a bad sore.  I can feel it but it's not that bad. I've really been enjoying getting the girls out and riding.  Heidi's actually been enjoying going out a lot more.  I finally figured out when I do get to ride with someone else it's just a lot, lot better.  Yeah so Shana was correcting me through most of my ride but finally riding with someone else was just the best feeling.  So I need a lot of work, so what.  So I need actual lessons, so what?  Shana didn't care, She actually waited to come ride with me and that was what made all the difference to me.  Amber was on her best behavior, she enjoyed Hope's company.  I haven't enjoyed Sandy's company since mid March when I learned of Amber coming down,  I've avoided her since, almost similar to the plague.  I still find comfort just sitting out there with my two girls.  I kept off Amber for a week and she still rode out great, no high strung behavior, nothing.  Maybe it was because Hope was there grounding her or she was just that calm.  She's been so calm.  I actually admitted to Shana that I actually prefer riding Amber over riding Heidi.  Heidi tweeks my back and makes that sore, Amber doesn't.  I don't know why or anything.  I do know I should check out a Chiropractor for myself at some point.  I just don't know what to do.  Heidi does love me, she does what I ask of her.  My heart is just feeling like it's torn about what to do.    
     Yesterday I went out to the barn and rode each girl up in turn to the arena and we did some trotting.  It was hard to keep Amber's attention because Sandy had taken Spencer out to graze.  I hadn't put two and two together until then that my girls and probably Fortune as well, were really hungry.  Amber quit working so well seeing Spencer grazing nearby.  So when I got back to the bottom, I filled four muck buckets with the loose hay that had fallen off the hay wagon and put them out one at a time- the girls(Heidi, Amber and Fortune) fought over each one until I got three out there. It was pitiful to see.  They really are hungry.  I know their field resembles a dry lot.  I know Perry has seeded it heavily but it hasn't rained yet to make it grow.  I have told Perry I know the girls are hungry and unlike the ones that are full board that can get hay in their stalls during the day, mine don't have anything to eat.  Sandy said she'll tell him again that they need hay or something to eat.  I've been graining them heavily but it's just not as good for them as hay is.  If he won't hay them I will have to find somewhere else to move them to.  They need the hay or grass to eat.  If not I'll be dealing with ulcers from being hungry all the time. 
     It still begs to differ what is going to go on with my life.  I do know that I have my horses, my dog and a couple of really close friends that I will always  love and cherish and that I talk to on a more routine basis.  

Changes

     It's been a bit of a trying couple of days.  I've done so much running back and forth that I am so physically wore out, it's not a surprise that my sinus' are getting the upper hand on me again.  
     First it was actually my sinus' and my ears got the upper hand but a little Basil on a cotton ball and in my ear cleared up the ear infection, it's left my ears feeling thick and nasty but no more pain and ringing.  So at least something has stepped forward.  Jessica finally has let me work on her toes.  Mom said she gave Jess a few days to clear it up herself or she was to let me do it.  So I made her soak them with Melaluca and then lose wrap with Frankincense on the toes themselves.  I told her to give it a few days doing it my way and see what it does.  The ingrown toe nails have been infected for so long I would be afraid of her turning septic and the infection spreading through her whole body.  Mom thought she'd end up losing her dang toes.  Either way at least she's finally letting me try something.  
     I've been running to the barn every night after work to feed my girls and to check them over.  I'm still soured from Heidi getting hurt.  I mean horses get hurt, that's just the fact of the matter.  I kinda wish that some of these jobs that I have applied to had came out positive so I could have finally moved onto something better paying.  I hate living paycheck to paycheck. It's just been hard.  I still take at least one day a week to check over the bottom barn mares.  I went through Saturday afternoon to feed my girls and instead of riding I checked and treated Thor, Misty, Mary and just groomed Una as she doesn't have any rainrot.  Amber's got some rain rot under where her saddle sits around her withers and Heidi's is on her hocks, like Misty's is.  Mary's is on her back legs hock down and Thor's used to be nose to tail but right now it's on just her barrel.  I've been fighting hers for a while now.  I just at times cannot believe half of the stuff I am doing for these horses that aren't even mine.  I take one whole day to work on his horses.  I hope they're all being relieved at the attention.  
     Today was a very trying time.  I went to ride Heidi now that she's all healed and fully off the bute and it's out of her system.  Tomorrow should tell me if the trotting aggravated it.  But when I first got there, took me a good thirty minutes to find Heidi's girth.  What what I have gathered when Sandy rearranged the tack room(the day Heidi pulled up injured), she set my girth to the side and it all got shoved into Shana's tack box.  Shana had said she had found a bunch of stuff that wasn't hers in her tack box.  I just don't know what to think.  Part of me is telling me that Sandy's trying to drive a wedge between me and Shana.  The other part is Shana did it to get me riding Amber more.  I still think it was Sandy, cause Chelsea's saddle also got scuffed up and I know the last time my saddles had gotten unceremoniously plopped on the concrete, so this time I went ahead and pulled Lisa's saddle out of the tack room. I don't want it damaged or parts missing off of it.  It just drives me insane that this is all going on there.  I still love it so much at Tamarack.  It's so pretty and it's just calming yet at the same time with all the shit going on it's so stressful.  I just never know what to do or where to go.  
     This week is going to stay busy as I have picked back up working with Mr. Meers Dalmation Blake and he got a new puppy, a female Brialey.  I will go up tomorrow and check it all out.  I won't spend more than half an hour at a clip on them daily as I really need to keep working Willow.  She needs to get ready for the show on Saturday.  I'm now nervous as heck just thinking about getting in the show ring.  I know once I get in the ring I just need to focus on Willow and forget everything outside the ring.  Focus and Do It!  I know there's only 4 dogs in my class but I want to rank near the top.  
     Anyway, I'm just so sick and tired of running myself down and I just want to relax for a while, take my vacation early and just hibernate from the world.  I would sleep, play with the big girls then play with Willow, nap and play around some more.  I just want to relax, feel good  and be stress free for a few days.  

Dreams

     I have had so many things on my mind today while I was mowing the yard.  Just a lot of things that can't move forward without something else giving in.  
     Willow's training has been doing great.  She's improving with every session and she's working on Sit-Stay at home.  She's still a bit short attention spanned but I keep them as short as possible with lots of praise.  So things are going forward with her training, I think we'll do pretty good at the show.  At least good enough to qualify.  I need to start looking into the later shows and see what Lisa's aiming at with Tinks and if she's goign to work Paris back into condition and finish her titles out.  She's been really good, I made her sit and stay while I was opening the front gate on the pasture so dad could get in and mow.  I mowed the yard myself.  
     I was at the barn late last night.  I rode with the new girl, the teenager and her gelding Harry.  Amber helped keep Harry calm when he got spooky and Harry kept Amber calm when she got spooky.   But I rode her without the half pad under neath part of it was mistake cause I had put it elsewhere and part was I wanted to see how it fit without it.  Needless to say it went back under the saddle after our ride.  She needs it.  For now I am content using that many pads.  I hate how I KNOW she's going to sweat like a bastard under all those pads but I have plenty of pads to swap 'em out and keep switching them out as I need to.  
     Heidi's healing up really well too.  I'm really, really happy to see that.  I upped her to two bute tablets Sunday night with her supper and she got two on Monday night but Monday her swelling was almost gone.  I was VERY happy to see that.  While I didn't make it over today to check her I am quite confident that she was alright.  I had to mow the lawn today and due to running out of gas and having to run into town to get some more gas and get it out of the front yard I didn't make it over to see her.  Tomorrow after work I will go out, I'll ride Amber one more time and check Heidi's leg see how it looks after a day of no bute.  
     I thought I was fighting a sinus infection.  I failed to call the doctors office this morning but I did realize it wasn't in my sinus', it's in my ear.  It's been a LONG time since I've had an ear infection and it's down into my lymphnodes in my neck and I've been using Breathe or Peppermint Essential oil to keep the pain down but I finally pulled up the website and checked into what I could do.  Basil.  3 Drops on half a cotton ball and put in the ear.  The oils are too strong to be put directly into the ear but the vapor off the cotton ball.  So I'm trying it.  All I can taste and smell right now is Basil, but I shall see how it feels come morning.  I've gotten myself back on the Tri-Ease as mowing the lawn is murder to my sinus', I've also gone back to the Springtime Joint suppliment see if that can help the knees as nothing I've tried with doTERRA has worked.  I need to order Grapefruit as it's used for so much stuff.  I thought I had ordered it last month but I apparently didn't.  For now Peppermint will have to work. 
     For now, I'm just going to keep looking forward to the dog show, and working the horses to possibly show Amber in the fall in a schooling show, getting fit, and working my lifestyle to a happier and more filling place.  It's getting there.  Slowly but surely.  

Flaws

     Well Sometime May 7th to May 8th Heidi scraped herself up real good, I suspect she got cast under the fence and eventually did get herself free.  She was pretty banged up but I've got her mending now.  Her right rear is still swollen pretty good but the thigh scrap has shrunk tremendously.  I ripped the scab off her lip, the big one, and put some more triple antibiotic on it.  Heidi didn't much appreciate the Frankincense on the wounds and tried to kick so I just did triple antibiotic on that as well.  She's healing up nicely, but I did have to up her bute tablets to two a day to try and get that inflammation down so I can go back to riding her.  I don't think I've tried to ride her more than once since Kylie rode her.  It would have been great to ride today but John was up there shooting off his guns down in the hollow and it had Amber wound up tighter than a drum.  So there went my ride today.  I cold hosed Heidi early, then hosed Amber down totally to cool her down.  I'm still a bit hot under the collar about the whole situation with Heidi and I'm still kinda looking around at other boarding barns but I had a very bad feeling that it'll be the same anywhere I go.  Pasture boards are just that- pasture horses that people do not have to bother with.  
     Well I got confirmation of Willow's entry at the end of the month.  I actually feel mostly confident in her ability to preform to the standards I need her to, but I need to preform better(therefor she will have to step up) I don't know why but I keep telling myself I HAVE to do good.  I have to show everyone that I CAN do it.  It's just, I don't know.  It's a very strong need to get at least qualified.  It just goes to show really what can be achieved and without a real paid trainer and classes.  This is the payoff, being out there and proving to myself that Lisa and I can do it, together!  
     The job hunts have been slow, I've got a few leads, and I've gotten quite a few declines, but I'm going to keep at it.  I do enjoy working at the clinic most days, I'm still more towards a large animal tech than anything else.  I really need to get to work on losing weight.  Slim N Sassy was a fail for me, so I'm going to just give a food monitor journal a try.  Well one day I will have everything all figured out.  I've got so much going on in my head I'll start weeding everything out while I'm hosing Heidi's legs. 

Keeping the chin up as I ramble on

     To add a little bit more onto yesterday's post things are still confused to me.  I hate how I thought of things and others being greedy and I have done the same damn thing.  I couldn't believe I had done it.  I know things are just getting better from here and hardships are just stepping stones for something better.  I know I've got to do a lot more hard work coming up to learn.  I was given a choice, I know Mrs. Standish will cover Amber's board for a little while but I REALLY need to make enough to cover them.  I want ever so dearly to keep both mares, and Heidi will forever remain with me but if Kylie sees fit she can trade or sell Amber- as far as I am concerned.  Amber really is still her horse.  She's just gracing my life for the meantime.  I hate to fall deeper in love with a horse I cannot afford to keep myself.  I have to learn and figure out how to keep and pay for her.  I will not be a clingy needy girl I will do what I need to do.  
     Well Willow's entry got dropped in the mail today.  I can't believe I forgot to put it in the mailbox on Saturday, hopefully it makes it.  I can't face myself if I don't make it entered in this one.  I have to put the AKC paperwork into my doggie binder.   I am hoping still at least qualify- I am just so nervous thinking of the idea of going out into the ring.  I don't know how to get my mind wrapped over that fact.  I am going to have to borrow a pop up crate again for Willow.  Eventually I will have my own for her.  I think I can still do it but I just have to remember to ignore everything outside the ring.  My stomach's flipping already and it's still almost 3 weeks away.  I know it's creeping up fast and I still have quite a bit of work to do, the moving down and even better heeling is still on my radar to get better at.  I have to do it, I have to make it.  
     The job hunt is still on.  I've got a few more leads that I am checking into on Wednesday, I just hate the idea of them all being Winchester or Lexington.  It's just not feasible living all the way in Preston.  Bath county is just too far out in the middle of no where.  I'm really not making enough for an apartment yet, but that's also on my radar.  That or at least being a roomie with someone or something.  I need get my life together and I need to get on with life.  Things have to start improving just need to keep my chin up, mind focused and just GO.  
     I think I might go riding bareback tomorrow, even if it has popped hot, it will be in the low 80's tomorrow, so saddles will be optional for Heidi- if I ride her.  I might just take Amber bareback for a while.  Kind of let her graze and we'll ride around a little bit.  Nothing major I just want her to relax and enjoy what time we have at Tamarack.  I may not want to really leave but if it comes down to money I may have to move the girls home and talk to the guys across the road to see if I can rent the field from him to graze them in.
     I know I still have to figure out all the monetary issues and I think a better job will do the trick, but soon after that I will need to save up for an apartment.  I know it'll mean cutting off quite a few things.  I still will owe Kylie for the saddle, and I have to get a pop up crate for Willow and a few other odds and ends.  The many things mulling through my head is crazy, and I need to prioritize and start working on getting them checked off and done.  

Distances

     My life has come quite a ways in the past week or two.  A few things I have noticed and I can't stand at times.  I try to keep myself as normal as possible and keep things together.  I know at some point I complained at how some people in life are so used to be given things in their life and I thought on that quite a bit today.  
     I can't really talk when it comes to being given things.  I have had so many things and joys in my life that have been given to me.  Some of them I really didn't deserve.  The biggest thing I think about is Amber.  Amber was something that I have always loved, she was just such a nice mare when I went up to ride her I was envious of such a nice mare but I knew she was loved.  Each time she mentioned selling her I knew it would be hard, not only for her but for me knowing she was a nice mare.  Now I feel like someone else that's clingy and whiny and just want things that you cannot afford.  That was me with Amber.

     She's so calm and relaxed and she already knows a lot more of her stuff.  I still love Heidi but as I feared would happen it would hit a stand still without some kind of trainer.  I am hoping I can advance enough with Amber to the point of possibly showing her later this fall and then start bringing Heidi back along behind her.  She's so calm and content.  I don't know why but She's just, helps to ground me.  Maybe it's just something that gives me a loving feeling from a friend that never really lets me down.  I'm hoping that things will start to fly right soon.  Got a couple job leads to work on some more.  I can't wait to be actually completely stable on my own with my girls.  

I don't think I could even begin to imagine life without them.