Feel bad

I came across this ad on Craigslist:

'FREE fixer upper filly, weanling!(Cynthiana)'

Super cute filly for FREE!
She is newly weaned and ready for some attention.
Fixer upper is due to a nasty dog wound on her right front pastern. It was infected and somewhat "fused" by the time I returned home from working out of state. We have cleaned and done her tetanus and antibiotic rounds as we should. It has healed for the most part but can not guarantee that she will ever be truly sound . She puts weight in it now but us a long way off from trotting about freely.
It has also caused her shoulder to bow and displace from carrying the extra weight while lame. May never fully rectify that.
She is FREE to someone wanting a project critter or companion animal.
Is haltered but expects a shot when caught at this point.
Her mother is a purebred Halflinger whom is a great harness pony.
Papa is a TWH.
Oops!
She is a dark bay with a white star on her forehead.
If ya want her, call me please!
Otherwise she can stay here but it would be great to see her get some TLC instead of being out with the cows :)
858-588-6747
No texting please.'

     It makes me sad to see something like this and knowing just some time and care she could come around to such a cute little pony.  I'd love to bring her here for the winter, keep her by herself for the winter and just work on her.  I'd keep her as a companion for Heidi.  She can be ponied along on a trail ride.  That or if she came back around, I could break her out to the best of my abilities and find her a good solid home.  She has Jasmine's markings and she'd make a good little project- while I don't need a second project-getting Heidi undersaddle should be a good enough project, I'd love to bring this little filly home, even if it had been a stud the same thing, bring him home and geld and wait it out.  I'm good at messaging, just keep that shoulder messaged.  *sigh* No trailer, and really not wanting to spend the gas money to drive up and get her.  I just don't feel in the mood to drive, it's only an hour but my truck's just not that comfortable to drive that far in.  I've taken that drive a few times in the truck and it is fully doable.  I am torn as to try for it or not to.  It'll eventually mean buying more hay and actually putting up the water tank and the heater-which I had hoped to get away from for this winter at least.  Maybe I can get a better job and afford to put both onto Pasture board, but this filly would still have to come here first and get all her shots.  Then add having to have daily handling to get her to flex and pick up her feet for trimming-which I'll have to do here.  That or maybe I'll talk to Michael about boarding her with him.  She'll be much shorter than Heidi. 
     I must stop dreaming, I should go and hope she has a good home and a good family that'll keep her and keep working on her.  Though in Kentucky that's far and few between.  I must have faith that someone will do right by this little filly. 

Finally a break!

     Finally a break from work, and the temps are going to be cold and nasty- but that's not going to stop me this time.  I want to get over and work on Heidi, I really do.  I need to.  I want to.  I know Heidi's just mentally maturing and she just needs time and just keep working through it but it makes me wonder.  I want to get Cynthia Royal's horse training DVD's (if the price wasn't so high that is) watch and learn from them.  See how I can bring Heidi around.  I'm going to eventually go back to my Parelli book and try to re-do some stuff out of there for Heidi too.  See if I can't get her to come back around to the pony I knew she was. I may have to move from Tamarack to someplace closer for the time being. There is a round pen, I just have to bring her back into the pasture to get to it.  Maybe I'll do it anyway. 
     I'm just trying to pass some time, We're supposed to have a short night at work tonight.  While it's not good for the paycheck it's good because I can't stand being there.  I hate my job and I particularly hate Line 8-which is where I'm stuck.  I can beg and plead and maybe get a day away from Line 8, but for the most part I'm stuck there.  I don't like it but I can deal with it until I get a new job.  I'm going to keep looking and searching, even if it means bringing Heidi home and cutting my number of rabbits in half.  I'm ready to do that.  I'm trying to do that now. Selling as many as possible and I've even considered selling Natalie since I have her sister Connie- my two Grand Champions.  I've got both of them bred to blues to see if they still carry the blue gene.  I think my torts are going to go down to a trio and stay there.  Faith, Della and Tort buck.  Soon, soon. I hope.  Time to go get ready for work.  Short, night, short night, just keep telling myself that and *maybe* it'll be true.

Uncertainty

     I am at this point uncertain what to do or think.  I think part of it is Heidi's mad at me for putting her over at Tamarack.  I know this time she could hear me, and see me but she turned around and still walked away from me.  So I went over to one of the other mares that had been nudging me and petted her for a few moments.  That seemed to change Heidi's mind about walking away from me. I got her back up into the crossties, praised and gave her some treats.  Then gave her a good brushing again.  I just want her to get used to coming back to me again.  Hopefully I can get her back under saddle again, and I'm going to try going back to her other bridle with the other bit. I've been through a bunch of different bits and want to try something right about now. 

 

 

 

 

     Hopefully We can get this stuff all sorted out soon.  Allen's here so literally everything is going to be a bit crazy.  I'm still hoping to get some work on her next weekend.  It's a holiday weekend plus a 5 day weekend so I don't work from Wednesday to Wednesday.  It'll be nice to be off and away from things. 

Musings

     I went today to go see how Heidi faired the last two days out in the big pasture.  She seems to have settled in quite well, not bits or welts on her at all, and no one appeared to be limping from a landing kick of hers.  She's a love bug and settled mid herd, she's not the bottom and certainly not the top.  I think the Palomino mare out there is top of the herd, she followed most of the way back to the gate.   

     She's been doing really well, I don't think she could hear me when I hollered for her.  She's still mentally settling in, I think.  While I do love it at Tamarack, I learned quite a bit from Sara today, The lady that does the training and the other that does the lessons have moved a couple months ago.  Well that's a stinker.  I know I love Tamarack but part of it's the hour drive each way, the outdoor arena-and soon the indoor arena are wonderful, but no trainer and no one to help or give me some kind of guidance makes me weary.  I will take her out again tomorrow and try to ride a little bit, if that fails miserably again then I'll just stop and put her back into her rope halter and make her work on respect again.  I'm hoping it's just needing to mentally grow up some more and get more adjusted to work. 

     She did really well about standing the barn isle in the crossties while I scrubbed her muddy fur-butt clean.  She's still filthy but she's cleaner now.  We hung around and talked to Spencer and Sara, while Sara gave Spencer(who was filthier than Heidi) a bath.  Tomorrow, if we can just get a decent little ride in she'll get a good bath and I'll braid her mane down for the winter.  Thankfully Tamarack has hot water so she can get a warm water bath. 
     The bunny front I have a ton of them listed for sale.  It's far past the time to cut back down and I'm ready and I've got quite a number of them listed for sale.  They just aren't a HUGE focus right now.  My biggest two focuses have been Heidi and getting a new and better job.  I still want to focus on some of my dutch but not as large a scale.  Still majorly my blue dutch, with a few tort, steel and Chinchilla's.    Time to scale back some of the torts! 

Fun couple of days off.

     Well Saturday was a fun vacation day off.  I went to my first ever Specialty show.  There was a few rabbits that actually did good for me, good as I would have expected anyway!  There was a lot of higher ranking breeders there and I got to talk to a bunch of them.  I couldn't have been more happy with the turnout. 

     The two judges we had, Dave Hauser and Paul Jurgelonis.  I've showed against and under Paul in the past, it was a great time.  I learned quite a lot and was able to come home with my newly learned information and I went through the rest of my rabbits and looked to see who's staying and who's going.  I made a much better list based on good body type, hindquarters and temperaments.

 

My placing's:

Under Dave: Connie: 9 out of 9 black sr does Trinity: 3 out of 4 blue sr does Matilda: 9 out of 9 blue jr does Natalie: 5 out of 6 steel sr does Della: 2 out of 7 tort sr does Shelly: 4 out of 10 tort jr does

Under Paul: Connie: 7 out of 8 black sr does Trinity: 2 out of 3 blue sr does Matilda: 8 out of 9 blue jr does Natalie: 3 out of 6 steel sr does Della: 4 out of 6 tort sr does Shelly: 4 out of 8 tort jr does

 

     That earned Shelly's spot to stay in the barn, but Matilda is OUT. 

     Confirmation wise Matilda was not good in anyway shape or form.  As much as I hate getting rid of a blue Dutch- as blues are my favorites- I don't need to keep one that's not good in type.  I did come home with a really nice blue buck from Kristy Hume and a really cute tort buck from Al Gerhart.  Shelly did surprisingly well considering the competition she was up against.  I'm glad for it.  It tells me I was doing something right. 

     Then today, I was very happy and despite the rain I went over to Heidi.  I gave her some kisses and cookies and today she got to go out into the big pasture with some of the other pasture board mares, including Perry's few horses. 

 

     I can't wait for Wednesday to see how this goes for getting her out of the pasture, into the barn and I think I might just go back for some lunging.  She needs to relax some and we need to get the connection back.  At a few points today I almost wondered if she was even listening to me.  I think it's time to step back and I'm going to ask Perry if I can use that round pen that's inside the pasture since I don't want to take up the whole outdoor arena free lunging Heidi. 
     She settled and relaxed with the herd pretty well.  She ate a few cookies from me after the initial run and chase session. 

     Well just another crazy ramble end of the long weekend jot.  It's been a wild weekend.  Most of it's in the prior post, and I'm still content, I still understand that I have done the right thing, I know I have.  While I still miss that pesky grumpy old man I know he's pain free.  I still have the locks of hair here, with one to be mailed to Kylie for we shared the grumpy old guy.  I still haven't gotten the nerve to do his collage yet.  His Breyer is already done, I did that months ago. 
     I'm still happy with Heidi at Tamarack, but part of me still wants to keep looking for something closer.  It literally takes me an hour to get over there to see her and with winter coming up it'll be cold and I'll be less inclined to go mess with her-especially if I have to drive over in my truck.  So I might still continue to look, I want at least an outdoor arena, the indoor would be awesome if I can get someone else to come and ride with me.  I get lonely without another human out there to ride with and it's been hard to try and catch another boarder there to ride, most of them work 1st shift and I work second and even one of the guys there(Mexicans) said it gets pretty dead in the winter.  They're hoping to change that with the indoor to ride in.
     Still nothing on the job front, not a thing.  I'm going to start getting desperate soon.  I want to get away from Nestle.  I went in to the doctors for a physical the other day and today for the blood draw for blood work to see why my blood pressure has climbed.  Funny, I met Belinda there- she's now on First shift mix room and she was there for the same thing- high blood pressure.  I want to bet mine's cholesterol related.  She gave me a very mild blood pressure medicine, a diuretic basically and it doesn't seem to have made a difference for me. 
     Still enamored with Heidi's behavior at Tamarack, she's taking it in stride, still a little uppity and still doesn't stand at the mounting block but we'll keep after it so she learns to.  I have nine rabbits on the sell/cull list for which I am happy.  None of these rabbits I *need* for breeding with.  Nothing about them stands out.  Corbin and Hope would make a good breeding pair but I'm going to keep Hope's daughter as she has a WAY better temperament.   Between confirmations and temperaments that's how I got the list I did get.  I may have to pair down some more just so if I *do* move it'll be easier to take them with me.  I'm seriously contemplating it.  I'm selling down to 20-25 rabbits total.  The sooner I get down the better and a few of the adults will be butchered if they don't sell!  It's the end for me.
     Anyway, I'm going to go find some more jobs to apply to and keep trying.  I've got to keep trying, I need to get away from Nestle.  

Rabbit world

     Well I went through the rabbit barn.  I set through a list of rabbits that are going to be culled, either by meat or by selling them.  So far I've got 9 on the meat/cull/sell list.  Several I know I can do without and will do without.  Between behavior and body type.  Count, Colby, Corbin, Dylan, Hope, Jackie, Wilma and Zelda are all on the cull list.   Rachel has told me that she'd like the blues, that would be Wilma and her mother Zelda. 
     Thankfully Keisha didn't take, she'd be due in a little over a week. She palpated negative today.  I rebred for the two chocolate litters to see if I can get some, If Marie doesn't produce this time around she's done.  This is the 3rd time she's been bred- first was by a proven chocolate and tort carrier buck.  So it's 3rd time's the charm or cull.  She has a nice little body type- key word, little.  She's not a horrifically big doe, she's very petite but dark and smutty for a tort. Terra's a proven doe and I'll sell her as such being a chocolate carrier with 1 leg.  She has a bit freckle on her nose now thanks to Marie(who's next to her) and possible to keep chocolate offspring for the spring show table. 
     I had a short physical today at the doctors and I go in the morning for blood to be drawn to have bloodwork done.  I go back in 2 weeks again for a follow up, plus she put me on a mild blood pressure med to try and bring it down.  I'm hoping this works to bring it down, I think that's part of why I have been beyond exhausted, constantly.  Every afternoon so far I've fallen asleep for a short while and I'm just wore out. 
     Tomorrow I intend to go visit Heidi again too, get one more ride in before I go back to work for the week.  I, thankfully, have Saturday off for the Dutch Specialty show.  Hopefully we're ready.  Right now I'm looking at taking 3 blues(Alura, Trinity and Matilda), 3 torts(Dylan, Shelly and Faith), 1 black(Connie) and 1 steel(Natalie) with me to the show. Connie and Natalie are more for getting registered and granded so they can successfully retire off the table.  They've earned their rights to come off the table.  Well time to go to sleep(again) but this time I'll get up and go get some blood drawn and then come home and finish my chores so I can go see Heidi.  I can't wait to see my baby again tomorrow.  Even if it's too cold to ride, ride, I'll take her out for a little while and just let her know that I love her. 

Whirlwind weekend!

     It's been a whirlwind of a weekend off from work.  It started a bit rough, putting Phoenix down and moving Heidi to Tamarack, but being out there with Heidi made it a lot easier.  Friday I sat out in her temporary paddock with her for a couple of hours.  I was very content after that I knew it was time for Phoenix and he's in a better place.  Part of me misses the 'steady eddy' horse but I couldn't ride him anyway. 

 

     Heidi settled in nicely the first day, no hollering, no bucking or running about.  So on Saturday morning I went back, with it windy as heck, and just lunged her in the outdoor arena.  Most of it was free lunging, but we did get to the line at the time.  Still no bucking or stupid behavior from the big baby! 

 

     I was so pleased with Heidi's behavior as I went home satisfied that I've made the right choice.  I know I have.  Even if she's about an hour away, I am very happy with her there.  Today I meet one of the other boarders.  I know her name is Sarah (or is it Sara?) and she's a nurse and owns Spencer- an OTTB 23 year old gelding that's more of a pet now.  She's a plus size and she adores Heidi.  Spencer likes Heidi as well.  If Heidi had been full board the two could have been pasture mates, but alas I don't think I can stay affording it.  I want to one day to put her on full board. 
     So after the happy free-lunging/line lunging, I came home and still with excitement that came from the morning workout, I got ready for a hunting outing.  I knew it was opening day and we've never had any luck opening day, but dad already had gotten one opening morning, so we went out for the afternoon.

     Bam, I finally got my first deer!  Just a small doe but I was tickled.  My first ever deer and dad says probably the first in over 50 years for that gun and it was from one of what I call the werewolf bullets.  I'm just super glad that I finally beat Allen at something!  He saw deer in the woods before I did, he missed first and hit a tree.  Alright Allen it's your turn!
     Today I went back up while it was nice and tacked up Miss Heidi again.  This time I got up on her.  This time no one was there for pictures but it was such a nice ride.  Feeling Heidi on the sand arena was different we did a few laps and figure eights in the arena.

     I still can't seem to get another job.  I am hopeful that soon I can, I really do!  Tomorrow I go to the doctors.  My blood pressure is still high and out of control so I have to get it controlled and I have to find out why. 
     I'm actually cutting all my bunnies down now.  I've learned over the past 3 days having Heidi an hour away it'll be rough keeping up with all the rabbits.  I'm going to make the choice to sell a bunch of them. Whoever doesn't sell will be butchered for meat.  There won't be too many left I'm hoping.  There's a small select bunch that will be staying a few torts, mainly blues, the steel does, black doe, and the pair of Chinchilla's.  I'm hoping to get a litter of chocolates out so I can tell if I want to try to continue working with them or not. At this point I'm highly doubting it, I think Chocolates are going to be on their way out.

Evil thoughts

     O do most definitely do what I need to do and speak my own thoughts.  This picture, I pulled off of Facebook mostly because it's so fitting for me.  I do at times get stomped on but I fight back with a vengeance. 
     Anyway, rambles on for thoughts today.  Last Saturday I told Phillip to take me off of the 'M' crew lead.  I don't want the job, never did in the first place and that Eric Flickinger wanted the job(which of coarse Phillip hates that idea with a passion as does the supervisor's and the other line lead Della), let him have it- Same with Line 8, Eric wants to be trained back there put him with Russel and train him back there!  I certainly don't want Line 8. 
     I physically can do the job of the Line Lead, I have the basic knowledge to get it done quickly and effectively but I get screwed over every time.  Oh well, run this line so I can talk to so-n-so, not an issue, I know enough about the other lines to keep them running but I'm not trained anywhere.  Sure it's a pay grade up, but the extra buck and change an hour is not worth the stress and stupidity that it thrusts upon me.  So no, I don't want the job.  I have enough on my plate without having to do 3 or 4 people's jobs at night.  Problem solve?  Nope that doesn't work well for me either.  I can solve the problems but it never comes out with a happy solution for people and I like going with the attitude of 'do this or you know where the door is' and let 'em leave! 
     Last Friday was a perfect example of this.  Two people called off (Russel and Justin) and Jeff got pulled into the sauce room because they were short.  Phillip had set me up to do Lead and Farinographs for line 8.  Well no Justin meant no prebatcher on Line 5, No Russel or Jeff meant 4 lines of golden flakes and no one doing them.  I TOLD Shana 3 or 4 times I needed Jeff back, I had no one on flakes.  She kept telling me nope, they need him, they're running BBQ(which takes a crap load of sugar in the sauce).  So I finally said 'fuck it' and kept prebatching on line 5.  Meanwhile 4 lines are going to shut down shortly because they were out of golden flakes, the prebatchers on all the lines had to take care of their own trash, because they were short trash people(when only 1 trash person is on, Dough room has to do their own), and no farinographs were getting done on line 8.  Lead paper work?  Also not getting done.  I about blew up on Shana for that mess.  She *still* hasn't come near me since then.  Could be a good thing.  I'd give her a piece of my stress ridden mind. 
     I told Phillip on Saturday Never again will I do lead.  It's funny, when I or even James has done it before too, we have to do multiple jobs, but when Phillip or Justin(he had to do it yesterday because I wouldn't) and Della too, do Lead that's there only job.  Nope, I will not get fucked over like that.  We are all equal as leads.  Just because I don't kiss her ass and bend over backwards doesn't mean you screw me over.  I've got enough issues going.  I'm completely freaking out about moving Heidi to Tamarack, plus my blood pressure is *still* way too high (141 over 95 today) and I have a doctor's appointment Monday for a full physical.  I haven't had a full physical in years.  I'm sure there's things that I'm lacking myself, shots and the like. 
     Now I need to see about getting my coats from Mary (lord I miss seeing and working with her) for winter riding and I need to relax!  I think I might just sell a few of my rabbits and only pick up the single blue Dutch buck.  I'm letting the chocolates go, the buck will stay long enough to get full size and butcher.  If he gets the two chocolate carriers bred, he gets them bred.  If not oh well to bad so sad.  Chocolates are going to wait until spring to get looked at again anyway.  
     To any extent- time to get ready for work, the winds picking up so the storms are rolling in for tonight.   

Think I'm ready

     I think I'm ready to move forward.  I just keep telling myself I *NEED* to move forward.  I'm going ahead with bloodwork to see why my blood pressure is so high.  Hopefully it's something that I can easily fix and keep moving forward with- I'm worried about it being cholesterol or a hernia from surgery last December. 
     I'm moving forward with the rabbits, I'm actually considering cutting the Chocolate Dutch since mine are not of any decent quality at all.  If I pick them back up, it'll be spring.  Yes, I think so.  Even after losing Rachel-bun I haven't had a drive to do torts, so even them I've been cutting backwards, I like my blues.  I do have a couple of nice torts, don't get me wrong, I do love a nice tort and a nice steel for that matter, but I just can't push myself forward with them since I've lost Rachel-bun.  I still love my Chinchilla's too.  But I'm sitting on only a pair of those.  Starting in Feb they'll be showable for legs and for Best of Breeds again. 

     I do LOVE my aunts, The 4 that I'm closest to are Cathryn, Lisa, Sheri and Boo. There are times when I know I can count on them for help.  This weekend will be rough, very rough.  With putting Phoenix down over at Aunt Lisa's, moving Heidi to a boarding barn.  I hope Aunt Lisa's ready for me to visit way more often that I do now.  Heidi's over there, she and her girls are there and it'll be effective relief to be with them, and with any hope I won't really notice Phoenix being gone.  mentally I've come to terms with it already anyway. I see him out there right now so skinny, and the shine in his eyes has gone dull over the past few days.  It is time.  More than time to let him rest.  We'll be using their 'other' driveway to let Phoenix go because it costs so much more to do him at home.  Dad will be putting him down- a straight clean shot will be more effective, in my opinion, than having a vet come out and use the drugs. 
     In December I do fully intend to go to Florida, meet Dustin.  Dad showed me a recent picture of him on Freddy's Facebook and his face is just . . . Dreamy.  Maybe it's my brain and ears being deceptively happy maybe not.  I don't know.  I've gotten 3 more job apps out, resume updated and it will be resent to a few other places.  I'm crossing my fingers.  Hopefully I can get out and away from Nestle sooner, rather than later. The sooner the better.