Monday, December 30, 2013

     I've been mentally tossing up the idea of writing this out.  But it's an online journal and I'm VERY highly doubting R or K even read it.  It feels more right to put it out now.  I do think it's time to move on from my past.  I think by my moving to Kentucky and now it's been so long since I've been back and I don't spend the time with R & K and at time M too, that we're all changing.  I'm just not sure what to think anymore.  Rachel's certainly not been the Rachel I remember.  She's just different.  She's changing as she grows and I hate to be the only one of the three of us, (R, K, and H/me) that holds true to what we started as.  I'm the only one staying true to my word.  I see Kylie drift back and forth with mild depression and it's strange, I wish I could be there to do more.  Rachel just completely drifted.  I use to wonder what she's doing and thinking but lately, I don't care, I don't care at all.  I want to care but I feel like I've been cheated and lied to, or I've done something(on top of moving this far away) that I can't get them to talk to me.  I don't push it anymore if they chose to talk to me, so be it.  They know how to contact me, so whenever they feel like it, they can. 
     I just want to bring Heidi home or be closer to the barn, days like today, when I couldn't see her I just get easily depressed, part of it's the cold, part of it's winter just being nasty and ugly.  Tomorrow I'm going to go up and see Heidi, pull her out, let her go graze solo by herself and I'll just sit and read with her.  The peace and quiet will be nice.    

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