Fears

     I have finally started sorting out a few feelings and some things that are going on.  I have had a lot going on lately-surprisingly.  
     I gave Kylie the open invitation that if she needed to sell Amber to raise some funds for another horse, then to go ahead and sell Amber.  Yes I do love the mare but I am no where near as connected and invested into Amber as I am Heidi.  Amber would also bring in the better money.  I know I love her, maybe not as much as I do Heidi but I have been keeping her a little more at arms length in case Kylie wanted her back.  I have her physically going back in the right direction.  Got her feet back to shape, got them hardened up, also got her teeth floated and I have her settled in at Tamarack.  She's going good, better than I expected her to settle in.  She is still a bit spookier than I thought she would be.  She needs some more one on one time and a lot more consistent work.  I know Shana had mentioned something about selling Hope so maybe she would be interested in a couple times a week riding Amber just to keep her in shape.  I really want to continue on with Amber.  No I don't have the money to afford the real lessons and keep Amber in training.  No I don't have the money, nor make it, to afford two horses on board.  I would love to keep Heidi on Pasture board but if I start making more money I would like to put Amber in first, and eventually both mares on full board.  Maybe not at Tamarack.  I will look at other barns in the future too.  I haven't ridden Heidi since Kylie last rode her because I've been working so much on improving myself on Amber that I haven't even tacked Heidi up.  I found an identical saddle to Heidi's but narrower to fit Amber.  Downfall it's $950.  It's so tempting to try and figure out how to get it anyway.  I might wait and use Kylie's extra, a Stubben Roxanne, I think, and working on flat work and start my jumping again.  Once I do get better then work on aiming for dressage and bring Heidi along behind us.  
     I am kinda excited at the prospect of Aunt Cathryn shipping Bahloo up as well.  Lisa could do the work on her as she's amazing under saddle and hopefully by now some decent ground manners.  Do some lessons on Bahloo with Shana or Kylie and I'll do some on Amber and some on Heidi, with Lisa and we could all have just a LOT of fun.  I don't think I'll ever get to the point of being able to show but I do want to build a good solid working into both of my mares.  Once I'm thoroughly comfortable then I'll start to think about showing the girls.  
     I am scared that I won't get another job nor a raise at my current job.  I do want to get my own apartment at some point, and get out and start dating again.  I do know I am not trusted by at least two of the vets that I currently work with so it makes me really hesitant to trust them there.  I want to work somewhere that I can actually make a difference and be trusted.  I think part of it was me.  I failed to be that open and even keeled with them when I first started.  I've finally started to relax and trust them but that's how I also overheard that Patrick doesn't trust me.  So I can't stand to work for someone that clearly doesn't trust me.  I've had my suspicions for a while and it was all re-solidified when Brenda returned, then I let it slide some and then over hearing Patrick just made it worse.  Does tell me that either Kari, Diane and Mikey do trust me or they just wanted me out of the way and out of the clinic.  I don't know how to tell the difference.  I am not as good with people as I had hoped I would be.  
     I left some open invitational stuff for my doTERRA with a few of the women at work and Mikey.  Mikey seems to be the most open and willing to learn.  The others seem to think it's a bit of a joke.  I don't know.  I'm willing to be open about it if they are willing to listen.  Anyway It's long already and it's time to get ready for bed for me.