Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Acceptance

 I have decided that I have need to get my weight down.  But I think first things first, I need to accept myself the way I am.  I hate the way I am and if I don't change my mentality, nothing else will ever change.  I have to admit a few things before I totally change things.
A lot of things that need to change is all in my head.  those things that have to change is the way I think, the way I do things and the way I carry myself.  Then theres the outer things that need to change.  The continual fatigue, the aching body and joints and the stupidly sore foot.  The last is from my own stupid mistake that will haunt me for a LONG time.  The prior or mixed up and wrong medication for the thyroid.  I'm still researching and am not ready to go up to my doctor just yet.  I want to be 'armed to the teeth' with information.  I also fear that being armed to the teeth will still not get me anywhere.  I have way too much fear.  I feel like I'll just keep clammed up and not say anything and let her run another set of labs for it to give me the same result that it has been giving me.  I almost think I shouldn't bother.  Wait until I have the money to get a hold of an endocrinologist or a natural doctor.  I don't know.  Things are just so difficult to make heads or tails out of it.  It's hard when I don't have anyone around me that's going through the same issues that I am that I can talk to and relate to.   
Thinking of talking to- I haven't talked to any of my friends in at least a week.  They're both always so busy and can't even sit and hold a conversation with me.  I'm an after thought to them, they only bother with me when they want something from me. 
So far my own personal weight has started to come down and it's starting to help but yet so far I've not given myself the shove that I need to get going into this.  I missed the first class that I wanted to go to for the Wellness Challenge because of the pure lack of motivation.  I'm still learning towards getting rid of the rabbits.  I mean I love my dutchies and I do like having back the English Spots but what else can I do?  I'd have to get rid of everything else, except Willow, to be able to keep them.
Money, again the root of the evil, I have to get things paid for and I think I am honestly the lowest paid person at the clinic.  It could just be the my bills are still too high and I'm trying to go solo but there's no way to truly know.  I still haven't even attempted to call places about one bedrooms.  I have a couple of phone numbers to call.  
Tomorrow is the 3rd weigh in for the Wellness Challenge and hopefully I have lost, if I've stayed the same then I'll have more of a swift kick in the ass to get it going.  I really need to get going on this weight loss. Been such a depressing couple of days, I think this weather we've been having in combination with Grandma being so depressing on Saturday and working every Sunday morning and not really having any time to do anything for myself has taken it's toll on me.  I keep trying to tell myself to skip visiting Grandma but I can't do it.  I just have this bad feeling that I'll start skipping and then she'll be gone.  She's been on a downhill slide it seems for the past couple of months and I'm not ready to lose my last living grandparent.  I don't remember either grandfather as it stands, and What few memories I have of Grandma Kauffman are old as she died way back in 1997 I think.  I don't even remember.  Anyway, Mom's keeping me up late because she wants to shower and all I want to do is brush my teeth and get ready for bed.  

2 comments:

  1. I love that quote in the photo <3 I've really worked hard on being kind to myself in the last few years, which has translated to a few extra pounds... now I'm working on losing that, so I feel a bit more confident. Good luck on your health journey :)

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    1. You too! Confidence is my biggest killer. I lack motivation, self esteem, self image and honestly too much to even remember! But when my critters depend on me I have to do what I have to do!

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