Sunday, March 26, 2017

Standing Alone

Well Things have been so interesting lately and I think today was my final thoughts on so many things.

 I took Heidi for a longer trail ride this morning and I do need to do something about moving her and Tessa somewhere that I can actually ride more often.  Not the so much more often but somewhere safer.  Riding down the road is just not that safe.  I got a good clip down the road but it's still not that safe as Heidi worked herself up because of the traffic.  It goes by way too fast and I wasn't allowing her to spin around every time she heard something.  I eventually got her to settle down and we were fine but it's still a bit weird to have to fight her that much.  She sees the traffic go by all the time so she should be fine and the traffic should also know better than to fly down the road that fast because there's Amish that run up and down the road too.  I don't understand what people's problems are.  I am struggling with the choice to keep both mares.  It's hard to actually ride them when I have no where SAFE to ride them.  Up around the graveyard and back isn't much of a ride.  I need to get to where I can ride them over a lot more open fields than anything else.  As much as I do love them maybe they are the tough spot and I need to cut them back to just one and go back to boarding which I hated.  I don't know.  I would rather not sell one of my horses and would rather not board.  I will just have to figure things out.

The rabbits are an interesting situation.  I have decided to cut back to a pair or trio of each breed and let Flower go.  If I do decide to go with a trio I'm letting one blue dutch doe go(likely Hailey) and getting a gray doe so I have a blue, gray and a steel there and with the spots I will find and get a blue doe, and keep a black doe and the lilac buck.  That might also depend on how well he shows next weekend.  I may end up with a lilac doe and a blue buck depending on the color of the buck that I can find without spending an arm and a leg.  Or maybe bring them down to strictly a pair of each for meat. I do know that I need to make a choice.  My cages are old and coming apart and I either need to invest time into fixing them(buying new is out of the equation) or cut down the number of rabbits and start getting rid of the busted up cages. Fixing won't be hard just needs J-Clips and new wire as the trays are still good- nasty and need a pressure washer maybe but still in tact I should say.  The two old girls are still staying with me until they pass or start yo-yoing on their weight, then it'll be time to go.
Standing alone sucks, it's hard to determine what to do when you don't rightly know.  Part of my brain says I need to do something but another part of me just gives in and says go with the flow. Everything works out in the end.  I'm trying to balance so many things and not topple but I need to just chill out and relax at some point too.  I'm just trying to hang in there for 5 more months so I can get out from under Springleaf/One Main loan and then I can really put some effort into getting Capital one paid off, which I may be moving the balance to Discover when that card comes in since it's 0% interest for 14 months.  That'll give me a year to get that paid off in full.  Also gives me room to widget medical bills as well.  I still have to see about the taxes.  I'm not sure those can go on a credit card.  All research to be continued at some point in time over this next week.  I do know I am mentally ready to be on my own but between the rabbits and the horses I'm not at the same time.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Kindness

Everything has been back to upside down, backwards and inside out.  It's been awful few days for me and today got the worst I hope.  I don't know what is going on totally but I'm trying to research and find things out.  I've found my Zendocrine softgels and I plan on starting them tomorrow to run the test.  If I forgot to start them around lunch then I'll have to wait until next weekend.  I don't want to start them during the week just in case it sets my digestive track off.  I can't have my digest track get all out of whack while I am out on a farm call or something.
This sinus pressure is still unrelenting.  It's been a couple months that it's been there and research has shown me that the sinus problems are also an issue with the Hypothyroidism.  Part of it can be diet, fatty liver and so many other things.  It's insane the amount of research I have done on this.  I just can't believe it at times.  Something I researched and learned today was I may not have just Hypo, it might be Hasimoto's.  My hypo is behaving more along the lines of Hasimoto's- which is an autoimmune thyroid disease.  It can be spurred by the H.Pylori bacterial stomach infection.  Which I had a little over a year ahead of being diagnosed with Hypothyroidism.  I know I had been having issues with the hypo long before it was diagnosed.  Normally hypothyrodism runs in the family which also makes me wonder if it's Hasimoto's.  But both are treated the same way.  I just don't think my medication is quite right.  It's quite daunting how so many things that I've been having issues with all tie back into the Hypo.  I just, my mind is so blown right now.  I have so much information logged in a notebook every time I learn something new- I get it jotted down and I have finally started to write down the source.
Adding to the mental burn out is work.  Going out on the farm calls helps to clear my head as I get to enjoy some of the prettiest countryside of Clark County and get away from all the clique' girls at the clinic but it's not often enough.  I am not fit enough nor strong enough.  Out of what they need me to be able to do I have a hard time doing it but I am the best thing they have to do it with.  I'm still afraid of someone getting hurt because of me and because I lack a lot of knowledge.  They know I am not afraid to try something nor afraid to get dirty.  I will do whatever I have to do to get the job done.  It's just hard when I get back to the clinic and everyone else slacks off because they know I'll turn around and do it all just to get it done.  I'm getting burned out on it.  Part of me hates going on the farm calls because it's hell to catch up when I get back, the other part just hates the co-workers.  Then the other part is now 3 days a week I am solo in the mornings.  Monday's I don't care about- there's not much there anyway but Wednesday and Thursdays are rough.  I'm there at 6:30 am and it's just crazy trying to get everything done on time.  They need to do the floors at 5pm when the close so it's easier on me to have Brittany back again.  Not that she shows up on time.  It's normally 5-10 minutes late for her daily.  I go in, I start the coffee pot, depending the temperament of any animals in the surgery room I do them or skip them.  Then start the kennel.  It's been a rough few weeks and honestly I don't know if it'll get any better or worse when Mikey comes back after the semester.  I know I'll lose the farm calls at that point but I don't know what I'm going to do.  I'm just watching and waiting.  Looking for a different job still but not sure what'll happen.
To get off the sad subjects, the horses are doing good.  Had i been feeling better this morning and today in general I might have grabbed one for a ride.  So instead I'll have to grab one for a ride tomorrow instead. Tomorrow's supposed to be nicer than today anyway.  I'll just be after morning clinic, church and meeting with Kayelynn for a bunny.  I hope I can start getting Tessa worked some more too.  I have to start with her after work too.  I'm going to just plum start her back at ground work again.  Both need the ground work. I want to get them to the point that Jazzy, Lindy and Phoenix were at.  Heidi's at the same point as Lindy- but part of me wants the bond that I have with her to be like the bond I need to form with Tessa.  I am fearful that she will not work for me and that she will turn into a man's horse again.  She remembered Michael when he came, she just stuck her nose right into him and breathed deep.  Michael was the first human she ever got to smell.  First thing other than her momma I am guessing.  Part of me wants to go breed her to that Grulla paint stallion
https://eastky.craigslist.org/grd/6037340344.html  or  https://www.facebook.com/CoolNShadySpartan/   and then raise that foal for myself.  Michael thinks Heidi crossed to Tessa's dad would throw a nice baby as well.  I'd still rather cross Tessa to a paint to keep it register-able.  Though Heidi to TBone wouldn't be a bad baby either!
Beau's Tacky TBone:
Easy to see where Tessa got her good looks from!  Michael said he's still looking good, he had trimmed him a few weeks prior to coming out to do my girls.  Sadly I just don't have the space nor the money to be able to think about breeding either girl.  It will be a pipe dream.  I'll work on getting them working well and get myself a western saddle.  First things first- get people paid up- Dad, Allen and Mikey.  Then I can get a saddle and so on!  

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Strength

Well it's been a good few days, less depressing for sure in the clinic.  My mood still swings a lot but I am doing a bit better job controlling it I think!
 I think a lot of it has been going out on the farm calls. I'm not in the clinic a lot of the day some days.  I am pretty sure Friday I was only in the clinic about 3 hours total.  Otherwise it was all outside working cattle.  It was pretty good.  Patrick finally trusted me, more than I did, to start catching their heads in the chute.  I only half missed one cow.  I got her behind her shoulders.  It was 3rd to last so Patrick didn't mind climbing back over the gates and helping me get her tagged and everything.  I still felt stupid for missing one but he said it really wasn't that bad, especially since it was my first time even attempting to catch their heads.  First load of cattle he was going back and forth over the gates, he was running them into the pen, alley.  Brittany had the back gate there.  I got the tail gate, Cydectin pour on and then the double ear tags(guy wanted a tag in each ear- with matching numbers).  Patrick was pushing them, giving shots, catching heads and castrating.  Second load Brittany still had the back gate, Allison had come out and was doing shots, I was catching, tagging and cydectin and Patrick was just moving them in the pen.  It went so much faster that way but it also had 2 vets outside.  At least it just gave Allison and me both more experience outside.  Her first time out working cattle at all and me catching heads in the chute.  At least now I know I can do it.  I was kind of scared to do it but Patrick trusted me to be able to do it and he was right.  I know this won't last long, I know they'll go back to using Mikey once he returns.  That kind of makes me sad.  I mean I won't mind having him around again but that'll mean I'm stuck at the clinic and only going outside when he's out on a farm call with one of the others.  Rather sad.
I have started to find ways to actually lose weight just walking again too.  I've gone to just a much higher protein intake and it seems to be helping. At least with a small meal at lunch that has a much higher protein level and protein bars in the morning for breakfast.  Then walking over lunch seems to help a LOT.  I am still keeping my step count down at 10,000 steps a day, even though this last week I averaged 15,000, most over that but one day was 14,800 something.
I still have to do something about the lack of money I have.  I just have to keep telling myself 5 more payments to OneMain and they're DONE.  I kind of can't wait.   I'll have other bills by that point I am sure.  I will still be working on paying of Mikey, dad and Allen but I have to do something.  Part of my brain wants to try for a bank loan to pay off everything and then just work on the bank loan but that'll be another couple of years to get that paid off and I don't need that.  I do think I am going to cancel my gym membership for the time being, once it comes up in May.  I've only been using the walking track so there's no point in continuing to pay for the gym when I don't use the rest of the gym.  I am under contract until May at least so there's no point in fighting that.
The horses got their feet done today and as I feared I knew Tessa's were bad.  I am sure they were overdue when I picked her up and yeah, I should have called and had Michael come out back then because she had some thrush brewing and he said it was likely from before I got her back since her feet didn't appear to have been trimmed in a long time.  So tomorrow I have to go and pick up some blu-cote or thrush buster to put on her feet a few times more.  So now I can go back to riding.  Still need to save up for a treeless western saddle for Tessa but I can still use Heidi's saddle for the meantime.
The Wellness challenge through the gym that I am doing is going okay so far.  Only down 3.2 pounds in the 4 weeks, coming up on the 5th weigh in this Wednesday.  But I am learning a lot more this time around than I have last year on the 6 months of Weigh Watchers I did.  The Wellness Challenge has  small required coarse requirement with it.  We have to take at least 5 classes out of all the ones offered.  I did my first one "Fitness with a Physician" on Tuesday.  Well I had a bunch of questions for her- all stemming from the hypothyroidism and I knew if she couldn't really answer the first one, the rest wouldn't make a difference.  So of coarse I put in so much time walking at the gym and then finally meeting up with Dr. Jones and I walked a couple more laps before I fell in next to her and asked her.  So naturally as I figured she had no answer for any of my questions.  I didn't even bother with any of the other questions.  I knew it was a lost cause at that point.  I did however meet one lady that has the same Hypo problems that I do.  She gave me some pointers and a different wellness coach that I can go to and she should be able to help.  Now to see if my insurance will cover them.  That's for tomorrow afternoon.  After Church in the morning I plan to head over to the gym for an hour and walk.  Just walk for a while and see what happens.   I haven't gotten myself to the point yet of wanting to try swimming again.  I didn't even shave tonight so hairy legs and swimming are not friends at this point.  Besides I think walking for a while will still do some good.
I should be able to start riding again later this week, it'll warm back up.  Winter has finally showed up for one last gasp.  Nights are cold and the days are passable.  My Hypo makes me less tolerant of the cold and the heat.  I'm ready to be fitter and a tad more in control of my life!