Friday, September 29, 2017
Today was good for a little while but I tanked at some point later in the afternoon. Maybe it was from my ride today that was less than subpar on Heidi. I think a lot of it is stemming from so much bad mental issues and medical problems.
I went for my ride today after work and it's just not the same any more to tack up and ride. While the temperatures have started to come back down, it's still not down far enough for Miss Heidi to not sweat. I am beginning to wonder if it will ever cool down enough to ride her again without her working herself up. Add that to them working on an underground water pipe out back had them all sorts of wound up and Heidi had no desire to listen and settle. We did a LOT of trotting work and I had the urge to canter her but then I didn't at the same time. I want to canter again, I really do, but I am also so scared to do it at the same time. I honestly want to get some lessons and I just want to help get myself better.
I hate to think about monetary issues but this is where my brain is going right now. I want to do Dog classes with Willow, I want to do riding lessons but I'm still eyeball deep in debt that needs to be addressed. I am still considering picking up a part time weekend job. I'm also afraid to pick up that weekend job and then in turn miss out on so many other things that I can do. My rabbits seem to be doing fairly well and I would love to continue them but they also take money to continue raising and showing. Fair enough though is they don't take as much monetarily as the horses do. Right now so many of my rabbits are so against me playing with them, they aren't terribly cuddly and I run through them so fast that I don't do much with them. Sometimes it does make more sense to sell out and discontinue them so I have more time to focus on so many other things. I also think that I've put so much into getting them to where they are that I shouldn't just bail on it and give up. It's just a conflicting thought in my mind.
Honestly I need some one to just sit down and talk to me and help me ponder through this. I need to hang tough and keep trudging until something shows it's self. So far this year hasn't been the star year that I had been aiming to have. I have cleared one bill, out of 3. One still has just under a year left an the other, well . . . that would be credit card debt. I keep trying to pay it down and it's going but it's going slowly. I think part of it is I need to get a budget set down and stick to it as tight as possible. It should be much easier as now Jess is finally working again and I am not spending extra money on things for the house that people need. I've been giving extra in to make sure dad and I have the things we need for our work lunches and I know we've had outside help as well but it's been hard to even think about this. Hopefully going forward we should all start doing better. I'm glad that I'm still here, I don't know how mom and dad would have made it without me here but it's been tough for me because of all my own personal medical issues and mental issues but for the time being I guess I need to just get this mental issue under control and then go forward. I still wish there was someone that knew me that knew how to help me understand but alas, the lack of friends does not help.