Saturday, October 28, 2017

Month of learning, depression and Happiness.

Well This past month has certainly been a trying one.  Highs and Lows, twists in the road and some back tracking.  Some surging ahead blindly.  So I am hoping to see how these next two months play out and then I'll have to see where thing are. 
Firstly I had my third followup appointment with the doctor, with bloodwork again.  My TSH levels are still climbing and they need to get lower.  My Free T4 levels are still dropping and are still below normal range, which were they need to be on the high end of normal.  My Free T3 is still on the low end of normal and it should be at the higher end of the normal range as well but at least that is in normal range.  It's disheartening.  Everything I read said I should have started to go the right direct in switching medications and it's not.  They upped the dosage and the costs of it are still ugly but whatever at this point.  If I still feel shitty in the middle of December I may ask him to draw again and check it.  If it's still high or even higher I'll switch back to Levo.  I've dropped the Zendocrine down to every couple of days but I do take the Magnesium Citrate 100mg almost daily unless I've got full blown diarrhea that day then I'll skip that evenings dose.  I sleep better too I've noticed. I've started using my diffuser MOST nights.  Some nights I still forget to get it turned on.  Today has been a Wild Orange and Clove mix.  Very nice and comforting smell for sure!  I am also trying to eat a little bit cleaner and cut back on the sweets and fats.  I'm keeping as happy as possible and I'm going to start weaning off the pasta as I finish up what I've got for pasta sides for my work lunches. Time to get things figured out.
I have been backwards thinking and reflecting lately.  Leads to depressive episodes.  I was in a depressive mood for a while until today when I reflected about all the horses that were in my past. I put what they all were and meant to me when I had them.
Started it all with Jasmine.  I took on Jasmine as a finish her rehab and either keep her in my name until Michelle was ready for her or find her a suitable home.  She never left.  Abby was supposed to be a partner/friend for Jazz since I knew Jazz was losing her eye sight.  She was too aggressive with the other horses at Gena's, she was a dominant mare, and she wasn't easy on the fences.  She was rehomed.  Phoenix, he was a retiree from Kylie that I had intended to keep.  Moved Him and Jazz to Kentucky with me. Bo the mini was another friend for the going blind Jasmine until he started to pick on her as well.  Sherralyn was my last stitch effort to find a companion for Jazz as she lost her eye sight.  She hated Jazz after a short while so ended up rehoming as well.  Came to find out she was blind as well.  Tessa I bought purposefully for myself and she was just too green for me so I ended up selling her, but that was after Jazz had passed away.  Heidi was a work up and never left, ended up buying instead. Honey the QH was just a rehome project, Bahloo was a rehab to send home.  Then Drifter & Bailey were rescue, rehab, rehome horses.  Penny was a hang onto until Kylie came for her cause we didn't mesh.  That's a lot of horses in 11 years of owning horses.  I honestly am thinking of getting a third horse when I can afford it, because I want an older gelding for riding.  I am starting to think that I'll never be light enough to ride Tessa correctly.  She honestly needs someone much smaller than me if I want to ride bareback.  My weight is just too much for her and she's already told me that, so do I just not do anything with her while I struggle with my weight or talk to Michael and put it out there that I am looking to sell or trade for a larger QH gelding?  I'd love to keep her and breed her but that's not possible with the field I have currently.  There's no saying she'll throw me a colt that turns out taller than her either.  
Anyway.  Off the depressing horse train of thought.  It makes me miss Abby, Jazz and Phoenix to no end.  Abby will/would be 29 next March 10th.  

Willow I have finally realized I have had her for 3 years.  It's been a glorious 3 years I have to admit.  I might have had the worst case of buyers remorse with her because I have never had such a high drive dog and I had a bad feeling I was in over my head.  It scared me thinking that she'd only ever get as far trained as Magic and Ayden before her.  Ayden I started when he was little and he was doing pretty good until Jess took him to Ohio.  No offense to him but Willow is just that much smarter than he was.  Ayden was no slouch for a Cocker Spaniel but Willow's smart as a whip.  I think it's a herding dog thing.  
Then to the flip side, I was talking to Lisa some this morning and she let Paige go.  Paige was a favorite of mine  I adored Paige from puppy hood, she's super duper friendly.  She was the first dog I did a 'show' with, granted it was a mock fun show thing at the Sheltie Fun day shortly after moving down here.  I loved Paige for her friendly nature and her spot.  I don't know why I have a thing for that spot.  Ayden and Willow both have freckles.  Satin just for her size, that's why I wanted something taller.  Piper and Luna for the blue Merle color.  Paris just has those markings and some funny quirks. 
I kind of miss doing fun things like that, but I'd hate going alone and Willow's not exactly a sheltie!   I just keep doing whatever I can to keep things fun for us.  We should hopefully eventually learn to heal off leash but even if we don't, I've had the best time learning and showing with Aunt Lisa.  We haven't shown in a year and a half but I still remember those days like they were just a little while ago.  


So this past month has been interesting.  Though I have figured out that I'm putting on about a pound a month, I've got 20 pounds heavier this month from October 2015.  It's time to change this.  Time to take some precautionary steps and get things correct so I have many more years to enjoy things!  


  1. I think if you were to look for a sturdy horse with a short back, you will find that they are PLENTY strong enough to carry a +size rider. Think Morgan horse. You'd never regret it.

  2. I'm a QH girl. I just need to lose weight! Not so many morgans get up to 16 hands and that's about where I want to go. Tess is only 15 hands. short back is strong but i'm also severely overweight.

  3. There's also the Quargans... or a QH draft X. If the horses that you have aren't suited to you riding them, then why not get a horse that you CAN ride? You said yourself you've thought about it. It costs the same to feed a useful horse as it does to feed one that you can't use at all. If Tessa truly can't carry you, there are a lot of strong & sturdy horses out there who can happily do so. You are a good rider, so it's not like you would be a sack of taters up there(!), which (jmho) makes all the difference to the horses that you CAN ride. I feel sad that you are putting off the joy of riding for a few extra pounds.

    Pardon me for being presumptuous, but you seem to speak negatively about yourself sometimes - I understand, but it breaks my heart a little bit for you too. Would you say about someone else the things that you say about yourself? There's honesty, and then there's being too hard on yourself. You are an active person (look at all the activities you do with your beautiful dog!), a strong person, a smart person, & a kind person - be kinder to yourself. If you haven't, please read some of Ragan Chastains' blog, Dances with Fat Her message is positive, inclusive, & extremely articulate (where I am not).

    I grew up riding QHs - my auntie was one of the ladies who brought barrel racing to the Calgary Stampede in the 1930's (I have a newspaper clipping about the original 4 girls somewheres). Aunty & her husband were well known for their zippy & pretty QHs & their brand was quite a big name in rodeo for many decades. Aunty used to sew her own outfits (even the jeans) and their first granddaughter rode with Aunty before she could run very well on her own legs! Aunty used to make them matching outfits, from the boots to the hats, those 2 matched, like a barrel racer & her mini-me. It was quite a sight. My aunty is in her early 90's now, but still rides a horse every day (at one time she rode 20+ per DAY!). Needless to say, I've ridden a lot of good QHs & thought they would always be my favourite... & then I rode a Morgan horse. Wow.
    I'm Morgan forever now! I can't resist the gorgeous little dish to their profiles and their 'I can do anything!' attitudes!
    Mr Shoes black 16.1hh mare is 1/2 Morgan - her sire is reg Morgan and her dam is (get this now... reg paint x reg trakehner. WTH, right?) Her breeder was breeding "sport horses", which seems like it has been a trendy term for anything taller than 15hh for a while now. But I'm not trying to sway you from your choice of breed; I only wish to encourage you to get riding WhatEVER breed, because I see that you really do love & miss it.
    I had to learn this the hard way myself & I wish someone would have cared enough to make me see it sooner... Live for right now.
    I know you have some health challenges that have been hard to sort out, but the days that pass us by are never credited back to our accounts, if you know what I mean. Like you and many others, I have struggled with depression and I can say with confidence that horses have helped me through it every time.
    The older I get, the more it is proven that when I DON'T 'feel like it' is when I'm sure to get the biggest lift from it. The hardest part is getting out the door; once you are there, you can put your all your worries away for a while.

    1. I think that's a lot of it is I am so hard on myself. Part of it is being so highly critical of what other people think of me. Example being Is I am tryign to lose weight and get more fit for work in general. I keep thinking one of my bosses is calling the male tech in on his day off to go work cattle because I'm not capable. I'm fully capable but leaves that lingering self doubt there. I know it will get better as I get my hormone levels back in range but I read your comments and I cringe. I realize that I've been too hard on myself and it's a friendly slap in the face to read it. I can say this Hashimoto's is really giving me a roller coaster ride.
      I just love blocky thick quarter horses. Tessa I think only has issues when we go bareback. I think the saddle helps to distribute my weight out and make it easier for her so as I get more fit(I'm putting in 7-10 miles of walking a day at work alone) and I just come home and snuggle. Tess tends to hang around while I feed my rabbits and lets me snuggle with her. I'm usually on 18Hands and I was part of Western Plus Sized Riders group on Facebook too.

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