Friday, May 19, 2017
Stopping to Vent
Start with the weight loss. All the friends that keep losing weight and saying 'If I can do it, so can't you' and it's just bugging me. I mean I'm putting a TON of steps in daily, I'm really not eating all that much and it's fairly decent meals when I am and I *still* cannot for the life of me lose weight. I'm stuck in the same 10 pound range. Even not eating well I'm still in the same 10 pound range. It's getting to be disheartening and if I just focus on that then my brain cannot think straight for everything else. It has crossed my mind at one point to just cut it off literally but then the whole bleeding and making a mess and it's REALLY not that easy in real life kicks in, but I wish it were just that easy.
Actually having Mikey back at the clinic has made me into a much more cold hearted person. It's actually really wrong. I figured with him coming back that I was going to be cast to the side- Debbie thought not. I was right. Despite not wanting to be right. Scotty the most has irritated me about it. He knew the one day that Mikey was gone with Rex on a call and he kept walking around saying "Where is Mikey, I need Mikey" because there was a bull with a bad foot out back. So I blew him off too. I figured Scotty and Jeff would be the only two that if they weren't going to become so dependent on Mikey they would be the ones. So far only Jeff hasn't proven to be that way but he hasn't done any cattle calls. The one day I threw Mikey at them and I disappeared. I kinda said "fuck them, I hope they don't expect me to just pick back up to it when Mikey leaves for Vet School." I actually have been thinking of just switching jobs completely. I'm afraid to just go to a different vet office to work, assuming I could get into one, because I do like working with Doc- and well, Doc's about it really. I'm okay with Debbie, Alicia and I keep Brenda and Heather at a distance but that's about all- the others I just plum do not trust in anyway shape or form. They don't trust me so why should I trust them.
Add that to Mikey telling me I went into a really dark place on Monday. Monday I was out trying to clean out the cattle pen and I kept chasing a baby Starling around so I could get it out into the open and kill it. So I grabbed the cattle prod and kept shocking it. I enjoyed shocking it until it came out into the open. The second one I killed was kind of a mistake but it kind of landed on my head jumping out of the nest and I freaked out and kinda flung it into the wall. Only reason we've been killing them is because they're over running the clinic and need to go but they are an invasive species and nothing is killing them except us humans. This isn't who I am. I don't know what is happening to me. I'm turning into a monster. I'm turning back to who I used to be back in Junior and Senior High and I have worked hard to get away from that personality type and to become an over all better person. I need to do better. I should go back to journally honestly.
Add that to the roller coaster emotional train because I'm too scared to call Dr. Jones' office and set up an appointment and have the lab work redone. First find out if she'll run the tests that I want her to so that I can see about trading off to a different medication. All I have wanted to do all afternoon is cry. I haven't figured out the root cause of it either. I just want to snuggle with Willow, Heidi and Tessa and just let it all go but part of me wants to know why. The logical part of my brain is still.
I surprisingly haven't gotten onto the roller coaster ride of monetary frustrations. It's all been what's going on around me. I'm just at wits end as to what can I do? I need to do something. I need to go out and make friends, I need friends outside of family. But then there's the whole thing of what on earth do I do with friends? I hate going out places I hate doing a LOT of things. Heck right now I don't even bother with my ex-best friends because they really aren't much of best friends anymore. They only talk to me when they get around to it, they couldn't hold a conversation with me to save their lives so no point in bothering. They also will only get a hold of me if they need something too. It all has to stop. I'm so tired to being used and dumped.