Help myself

     I'd have to say #5 is going to be my hardest in the 12 steps for self care.  I've been keeping positive and I've promised myself to stay positive.  "98% positive"  Cause I know I'll have bad days and I know I'll have bad times to start with.  But so far I've been doing everything that I can deem possible to keep the outlook on the future as good as possible.  I'm still out and about and job hunting.  Have a positive lead for Rood and Riddle.  I'll be doing a cover letter and updating my resume and getting that emailed to them over the coarse of the next couple of days.  If I can start to work for them and make more money I can hopefully move into an apartment a LOT easier.  It'll mean going back to paying for vet on Willow BUT that's far more preferable than staying in a lower end paying job with no foreseeable future to move up in pay scale.
     For today being so damn cold it's been a laid back rest up kind of day for Willow and myself.  Willow's been sleeping most of the day on and off at least.  I've relaxed and rested.  Watched Numb3rs on Ion for a big chunk of the day and now back to watching CSI NY that I have on DVD's.  I still have yet to dig out my good leather coat to wear tomorrow, but I do need something warmer to wear.  Makes me wish I had actually finished out the series but I think I will eventually get the last couple of seasons for both NY and Miami.  Plus Criminal Minds, I have to catch them up as well.  Hopefully soon I can.  I've realized how much I have missed watching them due to lack of having a TV with antenna to be able to watch them.  Now I do know that both CSI's, Miami and NY, have been canceled years ago but Criminal Minds is still going strong.  
     One of my orders have come in.  I got new irons and leathers for my dressage saddle, and the leathers for my Cortina english to ride Mary in.  Despite the cold I pulled the english irons off the aussie and put them on the leathers for the Cortina.  I'll get that saddle back into the barn and the heat tomorrow along with Heidi's 'new' bridle.  Kylie sent me her old one off Amber, she knew I ADORED that bridle.  I love the v-brow band on it.  It's brown so I'll be looking for a brown jumping/AP saddle  in the same tree size for Heidi.  Most likely at Rolex.  At least look.  No guarantee's that I'll have the money to do anything but at least I can then look at saddles again.  Everything will depend on what job I have, what I'm making and everything else.  For me there won't be any value to buying an AP saddle if Heidi won't jump.  I'm perfectly comfortable in the dressage saddle if I just won't go jumping again.  
     Anyway, it's basically time to go to bed anyway, I have to work tomorrow and I really just don't want to.  Small animal practice and all.  My heart lies with equine.  

Keep on, keeping on

     Life has just been rolling by these past few weeks.  With Christmas upon us, I finally got myself caught back up with life style.  Sometimes I wish I could find a self help manual to help get my life style back under control.  I had a really good Christmas spirit and then suddenly it was gone, then back again.  I don't know why it happened,or how but it did.  Still in good spirits today even as the day came to the end and I know I have to go back to work tomorrow.  
     I have barely gotten to spend any time with Allen.  A bit of it has been me.  The 24th I ran and disappeared to the barn and went riding.  I was gross and nasty when I finally did get home and it was pouring rain, which didn't help anything so I showered and we all actually stayed and talked some at the table.  Then this morning I was first up and I stayed home until 2pm before leaving for the barn.  A couple hours up with Heidi then I stopped by Aunt Lisa's to see her, Jim and Grandma since I have to work tomorrow and won't get to see her then.  
     Aunt Lisa even showed me the correct way to trim up feet.  I did what I thought was right to get Willow's trimmed but looks a bit choppy.  No surprise, I did it wrong.  I still haven't heard back yet from Emily for a training class.  I really need it as well as Willow.  There is so much for even me to learn, especially if I ever want to compete in Rally down the road.  I want to, I really do.  I really think it will be a fun new avenue to try. 
     Heidi got a new saddle, as I joke, it was a Christmas gift to myself.  Of which I really couldn't afford, it ended up on my credit card- fully knowing that it may or may not fit her correctly.  So far no saddle that I had found and tried on her had been that perfect a fit, until this dressage saddle.  A Thornhill Vienna II.  It seems to be the perfect saddle, which is kinda scary.  It will hopefully last a very long time.  If I can keep up after the leather it will last a VERY long time.  So I've been scrubbing, conditioning and wiping that saddle down a LOT.  Each time I do condition the Thornhill, I condition Lisa's saddle and the cheapy english I picked up to ride Mary in.  Tomorrow I intend to at least try that saddle on Mary to see if it'll fit.  If it doesn't I might try and donate it to a rescue or something.  Maybe trade it online or do a partial trade for another one I don't know.  I'll know more tomorrow.  A nice long day in the boring office.  Thankfully I am an 8-5 person this time. 
     First time in months getting 8-5 and right about now I wish I was on 7-4.  No morning kennel cleaning and everything else should already get stocked up by the time I get there.  I will do what I can to get everything ready to go but I don't know much of it because I never get the chance to learn it.  The only one there that is even keen on teaching me is Diane.  I still do not feel comfortable there, despite spending the months trying.  I don't know what to do.  Still on the job hunt for just the right place. 

Rollin on!

     I still have some good days and some bad days with personal image but lately it's been more good than bad days.  I'm still working on things mentally than anything else.  Having some extra money would be really good.  I still can't let go at Boonesboro.  More so because I really don't want to start over again.  I'm not ready to start over.  I do have to figure out the money issue still.  I know eventually I'll move up but can I make it until then?  Then again, I have this really bad desire to just go shopping for things and say to heck with it.  But eventually everything has to be paid for.  

     Heidi's been great.  I still can't wait to get up on her again and go riding again.  I just got her a new girth in the mail that should hopefully stay fitting her over the coarse of the winter.  I'm going to go try it on her tomorrow after work.  I get out at noon.  I can't wait to see her again.  I had to order her a second sheet as they want a back up one at the barn for when the first one gets soaked.  I can't wait to see her tomorrow.  I know I hate leaving Willow in the car for any length of time but I need to see Heidi again.  

     Willow has been doing good.  She's  learning a lot and she gets kinda disappointed when I don't take her with me to work.  She's a little off right now, I think she got into something and it has been upsetting her stomach.  Tuesday night she was listless and mopey, today she's been better but still not completely back to normal.  I'm watching her and if she's still really far off tomorrow then I will have Rex take a look at her before I leave. 

     Tomorrow should be a very exciting day for me.  Half day at work, then a short while up with Heidi, then home to collect Jess and head back to Lisa's for Southern Lights with her and Grandma!  I'm kind of excited to spend an evening out again.  I just hope I can keep myself warm enough.  I've been having so many issues staying warm but I can do it for a night out.  I know I can.  Hopefully Willow will be fine while we are gone.  

     The bunnies are great.  I haven't seen them yet this week but I will tomorrow afternoon.  I have two very promising babies in Raven's two babies.  I'm hoping to sell at least one of them, and I have all of Blue's babies to sell.  I might have most of then sold already. Then lastly the Holland Lop doe.  I will give it one more shot to get her pedigree but I have already sold the buck anyway.  I could, if Speedle lives to spring, breed her to him come spring.  *Maybe* Just maybe right now.  I can't wait until I get my life all ironed out and get everything going the way I want it to.  Soon enough.  Still got a LOT of plans and so little time to get them all rolling.  

Mental Break

     Well things are holding fairly well.  At least for me for now.  I'm still spending far too much getting my car running sound.  Brakes are sitting in the backseat, then Tune up.  Friday afternoon We'll be stopping by Rogers to have the exhaust checked- possibly fixed if it needs it and they can do it.  Then Saturday will be a barn day with Heidi.  Sunday will be a home day with Willow and bunnies.  I *should* have several going home so I don't have to worry about them anymore.  I'll have to tattoo Raven's two babies since I think the black jr doe should be going.  The gray I think is going to stay and grow out some more.  Blue should be going, I am weaning her litter this Saturday so those should be interesting to finish growing out.  For now I'm going to get rid of the Holland Lop doe and I'm still considering the holland lop buck going with him.  I need to make sure I leave an empty hole for Penelope.  I highly doubt I will see her but I just want to retire her here and keep some snugglers. for the time being.  
     Willow has been doing great.  She's getting Sit pretty well.  She doesn't even think of much having gone wrong after her spay.  Keeping her quiet was a bit harder.  But she got her first bath Monday after her surgery.  Rex and I were talking today and he even said she should be perfectly safe to switch over to the adult version of the food when her puppy formula is gone.  I might go ahead and switch her this time around.  
     Heidi was awesome for Thanksgiving.  Even though the kids, except Logan, kept running behind her and Misty and running around.  I thank god the two were so quiet and so well behaved.  I'm still waiting for everyone to post pictures of the kids and their pony rides.  We got Jennifer to sit up on Heidi with Natalie and with Logan.  Maybe I ought to try finding Brian on Facebook and see if he uploaded some?  I don't know.  
     Brian seemed more relaxed and more settled with the crew of us.  He even was trying to talk me into joining them on the DoTerra team as another 'seller'.  It's still a very strong thought in my head.  It's just hard to get myself to actually do it.  I'm not as human friendly as I used to be.  I am looking at a change of focus, change in career.  I think the Vet tech job is a close field to where I really belong, but Boonesboro is just too large.    Right now I just feel like a kennel chambermaid.  If I wanted to clean shit all day every day I'd have become a chambermaid-which are paid more than we are.  
     I'm still working on trying to get a budget set aside for an apartment.  I just don't know where to go with it just yet.  So many unanswered things going on in my head, a lot of time needs to be put into it and see where things go.  I just need to figure things out and get them going correctly.  

Beauty

     I don't know what's been going on with me the last week or so, just foul mood, snippy, angry and depressed since Willow's spay surgery.  Saturday's ride on Heidi helped to lift my mood and then today with Willow being with me has been even better, then the wonderful pink scarf from Jenny at Heartland Sheltie Rescue.  Lisa and mine's only thought was it was from me donating food and an x-pen and LIsa donates so much of her time and energy to helping what sheltie's she can do.  I just wish one day I can do something like that, maybe not with Shelties, or even Aussies but maybe Labrador's.  I still would love to have a Lab again some day.  
     I have wanted a companion, human companion for a while.  It's been a long time that I've actually wanted someone, so this morning when I got up at 5:30 I started to cruise Craigslist personal ads.  I actually saw one that was actually interesting.  I'm toying with the idea of emailing it back and seeing what actually comes of it.  Kylie talked me into joining Pond Of Fish so who knows.  At least meet a few people and actually try.  
     Saturday I actually tacked up and rode Heidi.  It was a gorgeous afternoon to ride.  A bit windy but not too cold and not too hot either. Eventually I need to invest in some winter riding pants.

Dreaming

     Still daydreaming about my own place and I have still yet to do anything about it.  I know it's bad that I haven't started working on it, but tomorrow is certainly another day to step forward.  I shall walk next door to the Shell station and get a newspaper and start.  I'll have two more days of no Blake so I will be sketching at work.  Tuesday I'm going to try and take both dogs with me to work.  Ayden needs a recheck on his weight and if we get time I'll have Rex or Patrick take a look at his eye.  It's getting all gunky again. 
     Between all the running around I did today and what Lisa was doing I didn't get the chance to talk to her.  I'm trying to trade some of my extra's for a new bit and a girth for Heidi so we can ride again.  I can't wait to get back up on her back and see how she rides again.  I need to invest in some warmer riding pants though.  it's getting really seriously chilly for me.  I don't handle the cold anywhere near as well as I used to.  I don't know why but I'm just a wimp.  
     I still dream heavily of being able to find a *real* man and get my own little place and farmlet and be able to keep a couple horses(Heidi and if I could wing it- Amber) and just be a peaceful homemaker.  I don't care to work full time but I just want it to be something easy and stress free.  Some place I don't have to worry about bosses and owners not trusting me.  I just want to be able to do things again like I used to, even when I lived in NY.  I made $12 an hour working Monday-Friday and occasional Saturdays at Bard and I was happy, life was good.  I had friends I saw, hung out with and talked to on a more routine basis.  Right now my two closes friends are Lisa and Sandy.  That's where I go when I need to get away, I need to unwind.  Either the barn or Aunt Lisa's.  I don't know what's so different now compared to then.  I'm not as young as I was then.  Had I not chosen to move down here I wouldn't have Heidi and that's a big thing for me, and I wouldn't have that relationship with Dad's side of the family like I do now.  Negative thing is the lacking relationship with Aunt Sheri and Uncle Dennis.  I miss the weeks and weekends with them, letting my mind escape reality even if for a little while.
     Willow's doing good, she stayed home all last week because she got a routine down and had no messes in the house, bad part, she doesn't really respond much to me now.  Whereas at the clinic with me she had me all day.  She's excited when I get home, but I don't know what kinds of bad habits or anything that she's picking up.  It just drives me bonkers that she doesn't respond to me like she use to.  Maybe just some more training work will help or something.  She's not big on car rides so I have to get her over that.  

Wiser

     I'm learning a few more things as I'm moving along, my introverted paths.   I am quite a solitary person I realized.  I never got around to calling the one apartment place but I will do it Saturday on  my way to the barn to see Heidi.  I hope this cold spell breaks by mid week next week I wasn't ready for this kind of cold as I'm sure a lot of folks weren't.  I know Heidi wasn't.  She wasn't fuzzy enough and was cold even with her rain sheet on so her midweight went on her. She was a lot more comfortable then.  
     Thinking of Heidi, I'm back to thinking neck threadworms on her and I'm going to put her on a rigorous deworming schedule and see if that works on putting the itchiness at bay.  Between the deworming schedule, spirulina, garlic and winter coming it should put it down into remission and come spring keep her on a strong deworming schedule should keep her from getting it back again.  It's not something that will ever go away, once they get them, they don't ever go away.  Misty might have gotten it off of Heidi.  The larvae migrate down to the ventral area- thus making them itchy and then a fly bites the larvae of infected horse, then bits an unaffected horse giving it to them- ie Misty.  Dang it.  Worst of all is there's no real way of knowing and no way of getting rid of it completely.  
     Just keeping up with the whole disaster of change, Willow's changed food again as well.  I was mixing her original food with Blue Buffalo puppy and she kept trying to eat Ayden's, so I picked up the Puppy version of Ayden's and she wolfed it down.  So Hill's Ideal Balance is her food.  I'll pick up the adult version next May when she hits a year old and then pick up the buy 10 bags get one free series.  Yeah it'll take a couple years to get the free bag since it has to be the bigger bag.