Hope

     I have been doing everything humanly possible to hold out as much hope as I can that my Pension check will come in this week so I can get caught up on my bills.  I'm just about ready to give up.  It's going to mean giving up a few things for a few months until it does come in and it's going to mean quite a few other changes.  
     I know one of the things I will have to give up is my doTERRA.  It'll mean one or possibly two oils a month.  This month is already on second month of very small orders.  I just simply don't have the money to continue with them.  I have gone to being very stringent with my oils and I have only used teeny tiny amounts because I don't want to run out until I have the money again to keep up and catch up with my oils.  I try to use a very small amount of my vetiver every night and it's helped me sleep a lot better.  I stopped using my diffuser because it was using too much oil.  I use one drop behind each ear of the breathe on the dry days to help fight the allergies, rainy days I don't bother with.  Lemongrass only when my foot starts to throb and balance on my feet only on work days- single drop each foot.  I know there's quite a few drops of oil in each bottle but I'm just not ready to run out of anything.  I don't know when I'll be able to get back on top of everything again.  
     I am so far stressed out that I finally stopped at the barn on Thursday.  Sandy wasn't there, she had already gone up to NY for the Belmont, so I knew I had a week free of her at the barn.  I stopped there and still all I could do was pull my girls(Whom came RUNNING to me) and give them some supper and brush them down.  I just don't feel comfortable there anymore.  I really don't like the idea of going somewhere else but I can't even force myself to ride out alone anymore.  Heidi I still can quite easily, she'll just go and I'm more than willing to ride her tomorrow.  Hopefully someone will come ride with me tomorrow.  I hate to put Amber on the back burner again while I wait for so long to have a dependable riding partner like Kylie.  
     I can't wait for things to start leveling out.  I have applied for a few more jobs, hopefully a higher paying one will pop up.  I do like the idea of working in a vet's office but the lack of pay to be able to sustain myself does not work too well at all.  I'm not living paycheck to paycheck, this is just getting too hard.  It's not that I hate this I just wish sometimes I had thought things through a lot more before I had quit Nestle.  I'm still have some regrets quitting there.  
     I know eventually I'll have everything sorted and everything on the straight and narrow.  Things are just making me depressed and I am fighting to keep myself above water.  I know things will take an upturn as soon as I can clear some bills.  I am hoping, praying that check comes in the mail each and every day.