Broken

     I have finally gotten to the point where I feel completely broken down.  Work has been putting stress on me that I'm just caving under.  It's not like me to just cave under the stress.  I have gotten to where I just stay to myself, I keep thinking and wondering what I have done to earn this kind of treatment from the other older women that I work with.  It's just so much easier to deal with the vets and then keep to the back with Willow.  She always knows when I'm stressed, she lays with me and doesn't pester the crap out of me.  I have had so much stress at the barn as well, Sandy is just irritating me so much that I find it hard to keep my anger and frustration under control so riding Amber has also been a futile mission.  I lose my temper quickly when she decides to be lazy so I have chosen to be the smarter person and just do the right thing and stay out of saddle.  I've been doing bending and just friendly games on the ground.  It's the smart thing to do since taking Amber up to the outdoor arena is part of my frustrations, cause Sandy can watch me.  There's something different about her watching me now.  Amber picks upon my frustrations and it gets crazy.  
     Part of me just wants to switch barns, I don't really trust Perry anymore either.  I find it hard to trust Juan as well. I'm just in a very untrusting rut that I cannot pull myself out of.  Even my oils aren't helping as much.  It's psychological.  I know if I stopped bringing Willow to work, I could stay longer at the barn in the afternoons, but Willow is my release at work when I start to get frustrated or I get ticked off I go grab her and take her out for a walk and blow off some steam.  Then usually once I have blown off some steam I am good for a few more hours.  Last week I stopped working the dalmations again I just can't do it anymore.  I mean I didn't even do dog training with Willow last week.  I have a show in less than 2 weeks, I really need to get her out and training but my funk has not let me do it.  I just spend a lot of the time with her that I should be working on her training.  We skated by in our first show but she needs the work before our next show.  I might take her over to Alfie's to work some.  
     I do have to admit one of the only good things about the higher stress level's is my weight has dropped some more.  May 1st I was 272, June 1st today I am 266.5 I am going to try to keep the downward trend going.  Hopefully not through stress but I know the stress will be there, I just have to control it better.  Today is a cleaning kinda day.  Clean and re-organize my bedroom, I did the bathroom yesterday early morning so just see where my cleaning and organizing goes.  I may send a message to Aunt Lisa and see if she wants to meet at Lowes but I think we'll get rained out on a dog training session.  See if there's other 'tricks' that I can try with Willow.  I think I'm just going to dig deeper into working on making her heel and I think that will correct a lot of the issues.