Futuristic possibilities

     Today, while I was up riding Heidi I was talking to her and gave it a few thoughts of going back to school.  I need to get a better paying job, something that I can afford to keep what few rabbits I have left, Heidi and Willow.  I know I am under $4k left on my student loans but I need to get some more skills and a better skill set to get the better job.  Nothing so far from any of the equine vets.  I'm going to try and re-email my resume to a few of them.  No guarantee's that I'll get any of them and of coarse I'm not getting anywhere at Boonesboro either.  Especially now that Brenda came back.  I noticed it on Tuesday, her first day back.  There's too many 'techs' not enough Vet's there.  And the fact that Brenda's been there before puts her back above Shelby and I.  Shelby has the same theory that I do.  We're just kennel folk now, we have no real reason to be there other than to keep the kennels clean and watch the surgery dogs as they wake up.  That's NOT the job I wanted, I know I have to take something and work with it, but I'm at a point in my life that I cannot do that anymore.  There's got to be a standard so I can actually afford to live off on my own.  
     The ride today was nice, I have to admit, Heidi's progressing.  I almost got her to jump a little today but she finally lazed out and knocked the poles down.  I can at least talk to her and while I can't bounce ideas off of her with responses I can at least get it spoken out loud and lets me think some more on it.  Also easier to remember what I was talking about, just remember more of the ride.  
     I've started to think about going back to school.  As crazy as it is to think about it, I do want a good job, something I can grow with and actually make a living on.
     Well sleep time, two full days and a half day to go.  

Rummaging

     Just a mental rummaging for the day for me.  I'm still watching my finances and can't believe it's almost the end of January already.  So many things I need to get rolling together as the end of the month comes closer.  
     For one is making sure my medical is set up and I'm on the 'straight and narrow'.  A lot of it is eye and dental but those have to wait until I have money.  Eventually I want to look into contacts.  I'm aggravated with my glasses as they are old and I can't do this anymore.  I'm tired of fighting with them to stay on my face, even my fitted ones slide off my face at times.  
     I have also got to start working on a way to lose weight better.  I'm eating as Healthy as I can work with but I could do better but better comes with cost.  Higher cost right now I can't do.  My paychecks are taxed as far as they can be with very little extra hiding away in there.   I'm keeping my animals all fed but that's about it. I'm trying to keep selling down the rabbits.  I have 2 left that I want to sell and when Speedle passes I want to replace him with a single buck for breeding my does.  I'm still not sure if I really want to continue with them.  Part of me still wants to I just need more time for them.  I'm tempting to go back to a 12 hour shift working at an equine hospital and go back to having other issues.  I'd rather be a surgery tech at Rood and Riddle, they only work Monday through Friday, leaves me every weekend off, for dog and Rabbit shows.  
     Tomorrow is the last 50 degree day so I intend to make the most out of it. I get out at 3pm tomorrow and I'm going to go riding and make the most out of my day.  Take Willow to work and on lunch we're going to go walking at least for a little while.  I'm not sure yet if I'm going to bring Ayden or not.  I may not until Thursday.  
     Well bed time, need to keep my mind calm so I can go to sleep!  

Temporary

     Life is rolling, that's all really.  Things have been going.  Slow and steady.  Work is work, I'm really not making the bills very well and I'm eagerly awaiting my tax return, which I haven't even filed for yet, so I can catch up some of my other bills.  I hate not being able to afford everything.  Right now I can't even get the stuff I need for the car to get it tuned up and hopefully running smoother.  At least better.  I am seriously disappointed with the gas mileage I am getting out of it.  I get from 25-28 MPG, I should be getting over 30 at least since I'm running strictly highway.
     I'm spending a chunk of Sunday moving rabbits around and Willow also has another training session.  Let's see if the stuff I've been working on at work during lunch has paid off.  I have started letting her outside with just the long cotton leash on but not holding it, and even once yesterday was totally off leash with Ayden.   I know for now it's risky but I have to trust my gut somewhere.  
     I took my weight this morning, still the same from starting point this year, so that means 3 weeks into the new year and still notta on a change in weight.  I'm actually starting to think about finding a gym close to work and  doing 30-45 minutes on lunch break working out.  Heck even if it's a treadmill or elliptical or whatever that's easy, just something to get some more exercise in.  I want to slim down- alot, more for my health than anything else.  I look back on pictures of me from 10+ years ago and realize I've always been a bigger girl but it has a point of needing to feel good constantly.  I have noticed so long as I take my multi-vitamin my sinus' stay under control pretty good.  I don't even have to take an allergy med.  Topical use of the doTerra has been helping as well.  I haven't ventured to try aromatic again yet, I have to get the sinus' back under control, I haven't taken my vitamin in 3 or 4 days. 
      I talked to Kylie for a while last night on facebook and I had a fleeting thought of moving in with her for a little while.  Except the costs of moving are far too much plus the lack of jobs in the area.  Heidi and the bunnies would go to the barn where she boards Amber and Rayna, Willow with me to the apartment with Kylie and Eli.  It would just cost too much to move Heidi, myself and what few rabbits I do still have up there.  I'm holding right now at 10, with one hopefully going today and one still left for sale after that. Then lastly would be Speedle if he does go, I'll be down to 7.  He's hanging in there but I can tell he's not going to last too much longer. He kind of wobbles and has lost so much weight.  My end goal is to have 8 with two extra cages of the sets that make the 10 for weaning litters.  I need one more buck and I'm not sure right now if I want a blue or a steel buck.  I have a steel buck but he's a chin carrier.  Scwandt's has a nice blue buck from steel lines if I could afford to buy him and have him shipped.  *sigh* so many choices, so many choices.  

Help myself

     I'd have to say #5 is going to be my hardest in the 12 steps for self care.  I've been keeping positive and I've promised myself to stay positive.  "98% positive"  Cause I know I'll have bad days and I know I'll have bad times to start with.  But so far I've been doing everything that I can deem possible to keep the outlook on the future as good as possible.  I'm still out and about and job hunting.  Have a positive lead for Rood and Riddle.  I'll be doing a cover letter and updating my resume and getting that emailed to them over the coarse of the next couple of days.  If I can start to work for them and make more money I can hopefully move into an apartment a LOT easier.  It'll mean going back to paying for vet on Willow BUT that's far more preferable than staying in a lower end paying job with no foreseeable future to move up in pay scale.
     For today being so damn cold it's been a laid back rest up kind of day for Willow and myself.  Willow's been sleeping most of the day on and off at least.  I've relaxed and rested.  Watched Numb3rs on Ion for a big chunk of the day and now back to watching CSI NY that I have on DVD's.  I still have yet to dig out my good leather coat to wear tomorrow, but I do need something warmer to wear.  Makes me wish I had actually finished out the series but I think I will eventually get the last couple of seasons for both NY and Miami.  Plus Criminal Minds, I have to catch them up as well.  Hopefully soon I can.  I've realized how much I have missed watching them due to lack of having a TV with antenna to be able to watch them.  Now I do know that both CSI's, Miami and NY, have been canceled years ago but Criminal Minds is still going strong.  
     One of my orders have come in.  I got new irons and leathers for my dressage saddle, and the leathers for my Cortina english to ride Mary in.  Despite the cold I pulled the english irons off the aussie and put them on the leathers for the Cortina.  I'll get that saddle back into the barn and the heat tomorrow along with Heidi's 'new' bridle.  Kylie sent me her old one off Amber, she knew I ADORED that bridle.  I love the v-brow band on it.  It's brown so I'll be looking for a brown jumping/AP saddle  in the same tree size for Heidi.  Most likely at Rolex.  At least look.  No guarantee's that I'll have the money to do anything but at least I can then look at saddles again.  Everything will depend on what job I have, what I'm making and everything else.  For me there won't be any value to buying an AP saddle if Heidi won't jump.  I'm perfectly comfortable in the dressage saddle if I just won't go jumping again.  
     Anyway, it's basically time to go to bed anyway, I have to work tomorrow and I really just don't want to.  Small animal practice and all.  My heart lies with equine.  

Keep on, keeping on

     Life has just been rolling by these past few weeks.  With Christmas upon us, I finally got myself caught back up with life style.  Sometimes I wish I could find a self help manual to help get my life style back under control.  I had a really good Christmas spirit and then suddenly it was gone, then back again.  I don't know why it happened,or how but it did.  Still in good spirits today even as the day came to the end and I know I have to go back to work tomorrow.  
     I have barely gotten to spend any time with Allen.  A bit of it has been me.  The 24th I ran and disappeared to the barn and went riding.  I was gross and nasty when I finally did get home and it was pouring rain, which didn't help anything so I showered and we all actually stayed and talked some at the table.  Then this morning I was first up and I stayed home until 2pm before leaving for the barn.  A couple hours up with Heidi then I stopped by Aunt Lisa's to see her, Jim and Grandma since I have to work tomorrow and won't get to see her then.  
     Aunt Lisa even showed me the correct way to trim up feet.  I did what I thought was right to get Willow's trimmed but looks a bit choppy.  No surprise, I did it wrong.  I still haven't heard back yet from Emily for a training class.  I really need it as well as Willow.  There is so much for even me to learn, especially if I ever want to compete in Rally down the road.  I want to, I really do.  I really think it will be a fun new avenue to try. 
     Heidi got a new saddle, as I joke, it was a Christmas gift to myself.  Of which I really couldn't afford, it ended up on my credit card- fully knowing that it may or may not fit her correctly.  So far no saddle that I had found and tried on her had been that perfect a fit, until this dressage saddle.  A Thornhill Vienna II.  It seems to be the perfect saddle, which is kinda scary.  It will hopefully last a very long time.  If I can keep up after the leather it will last a VERY long time.  So I've been scrubbing, conditioning and wiping that saddle down a LOT.  Each time I do condition the Thornhill, I condition Lisa's saddle and the cheapy english I picked up to ride Mary in.  Tomorrow I intend to at least try that saddle on Mary to see if it'll fit.  If it doesn't I might try and donate it to a rescue or something.  Maybe trade it online or do a partial trade for another one I don't know.  I'll know more tomorrow.  A nice long day in the boring office.  Thankfully I am an 8-5 person this time. 
     First time in months getting 8-5 and right about now I wish I was on 7-4.  No morning kennel cleaning and everything else should already get stocked up by the time I get there.  I will do what I can to get everything ready to go but I don't know much of it because I never get the chance to learn it.  The only one there that is even keen on teaching me is Diane.  I still do not feel comfortable there, despite spending the months trying.  I don't know what to do.  Still on the job hunt for just the right place. 

Rollin on!

     I still have some good days and some bad days with personal image but lately it's been more good than bad days.  I'm still working on things mentally than anything else.  Having some extra money would be really good.  I still can't let go at Boonesboro.  More so because I really don't want to start over again.  I'm not ready to start over.  I do have to figure out the money issue still.  I know eventually I'll move up but can I make it until then?  Then again, I have this really bad desire to just go shopping for things and say to heck with it.  But eventually everything has to be paid for.  

     Heidi's been great.  I still can't wait to get up on her again and go riding again.  I just got her a new girth in the mail that should hopefully stay fitting her over the coarse of the winter.  I'm going to go try it on her tomorrow after work.  I get out at noon.  I can't wait to see her again.  I had to order her a second sheet as they want a back up one at the barn for when the first one gets soaked.  I can't wait to see her tomorrow.  I know I hate leaving Willow in the car for any length of time but I need to see Heidi again.  

     Willow has been doing good.  She's  learning a lot and she gets kinda disappointed when I don't take her with me to work.  She's a little off right now, I think she got into something and it has been upsetting her stomach.  Tuesday night she was listless and mopey, today she's been better but still not completely back to normal.  I'm watching her and if she's still really far off tomorrow then I will have Rex take a look at her before I leave. 

     Tomorrow should be a very exciting day for me.  Half day at work, then a short while up with Heidi, then home to collect Jess and head back to Lisa's for Southern Lights with her and Grandma!  I'm kind of excited to spend an evening out again.  I just hope I can keep myself warm enough.  I've been having so many issues staying warm but I can do it for a night out.  I know I can.  Hopefully Willow will be fine while we are gone.  

     The bunnies are great.  I haven't seen them yet this week but I will tomorrow afternoon.  I have two very promising babies in Raven's two babies.  I'm hoping to sell at least one of them, and I have all of Blue's babies to sell.  I might have most of then sold already. Then lastly the Holland Lop doe.  I will give it one more shot to get her pedigree but I have already sold the buck anyway.  I could, if Speedle lives to spring, breed her to him come spring.  *Maybe* Just maybe right now.  I can't wait until I get my life all ironed out and get everything going the way I want it to.  Soon enough.  Still got a LOT of plans and so little time to get them all rolling.  

Mental Break

     Well things are holding fairly well.  At least for me for now.  I'm still spending far too much getting my car running sound.  Brakes are sitting in the backseat, then Tune up.  Friday afternoon We'll be stopping by Rogers to have the exhaust checked- possibly fixed if it needs it and they can do it.  Then Saturday will be a barn day with Heidi.  Sunday will be a home day with Willow and bunnies.  I *should* have several going home so I don't have to worry about them anymore.  I'll have to tattoo Raven's two babies since I think the black jr doe should be going.  The gray I think is going to stay and grow out some more.  Blue should be going, I am weaning her litter this Saturday so those should be interesting to finish growing out.  For now I'm going to get rid of the Holland Lop doe and I'm still considering the holland lop buck going with him.  I need to make sure I leave an empty hole for Penelope.  I highly doubt I will see her but I just want to retire her here and keep some snugglers. for the time being.  
     Willow has been doing great.  She's getting Sit pretty well.  She doesn't even think of much having gone wrong after her spay.  Keeping her quiet was a bit harder.  But she got her first bath Monday after her surgery.  Rex and I were talking today and he even said she should be perfectly safe to switch over to the adult version of the food when her puppy formula is gone.  I might go ahead and switch her this time around.  
     Heidi was awesome for Thanksgiving.  Even though the kids, except Logan, kept running behind her and Misty and running around.  I thank god the two were so quiet and so well behaved.  I'm still waiting for everyone to post pictures of the kids and their pony rides.  We got Jennifer to sit up on Heidi with Natalie and with Logan.  Maybe I ought to try finding Brian on Facebook and see if he uploaded some?  I don't know.  
     Brian seemed more relaxed and more settled with the crew of us.  He even was trying to talk me into joining them on the DoTerra team as another 'seller'.  It's still a very strong thought in my head.  It's just hard to get myself to actually do it.  I'm not as human friendly as I used to be.  I am looking at a change of focus, change in career.  I think the Vet tech job is a close field to where I really belong, but Boonesboro is just too large.    Right now I just feel like a kennel chambermaid.  If I wanted to clean shit all day every day I'd have become a chambermaid-which are paid more than we are.  
     I'm still working on trying to get a budget set aside for an apartment.  I just don't know where to go with it just yet.  So many unanswered things going on in my head, a lot of time needs to be put into it and see where things go.  I just need to figure things out and get them going correctly.