Enough

     The future has hidden its self from me again and I just don't know where to go.  Part of me wants to just go back to school, but there's no money in going back to school, just more debt.  I don't think I could handle any more debt.   I am already up in my credit cards from the constant car work and having to bounce back and forth between the car and the truck.  At times I still can't think of why I am still trying to prove my worth at work and prove to them that I can do more stuff, all they have to do is teach and let me go.  I can do it, but I sometimes think I should go back and do equine nutritional studies or message therapist as well as what I already do know for small animal.  I really enjoy bath days for dogs, I actually enjoy spending the time with each and every dog to give them a bath.  Gives me a chance to really get to know them and make them comfortable if they have to be back there in the kennel.  I enjoy making them comfortable.  Maybe vet tech wasn't quite the right field for me.  For the longest time I thought it was my dream field.  Could it be the field was right but the location wrong?  Or wrong field and right place?  Or wrong field and wrong place.  It certainly isn't right field and right spot.  
     I still feel awkward there. I know for darn sure it's the wrong place.  I see a lot of the backstabbing by the other girls that work there to each other.  Makes me very fishy and reserved about working there.  Plus I've seen them act funny around me even.  I've just gone reclusive and that's just how I intend to stay.  I do my job and I just recluse to back in the kennel.  It's safer for me than to do something stupid. I try not to get too close quarter with the other people either.  It's just not worth it.  The more I work with Shelby and watch the others the more I see that it's like the two of us versus the five or six of them.  Shelby and I are the outsiders.  I guess that's what happens to newbies.  You either become a puppet of theirs or you are an outcast.  Well I'm an outcast, so isn't Shelby. Maybe that's how the two of us get along so much better, or it's because we're both horse people.  
     Thinking horses.  Heidi's had a cold and was blowing snot the last few days.  Making riding a discouraging thought.  She's starting to feel better but it'll still be until late weekend or next week before I can ride her.  So it means I'm either grounded or I actually have to bite the bullet and get on Mary to ride.  I am just nervous to get on her.  She's a thoroughbred and I just worry about my weight being too much for a thoroughbred.  I know this is wrong, I should be able to tack up and ride no issues what so ever.  I'm just far too much of a nervous wreck.  I know it'll ease after the first time I get on her.  Why can't I have the confidence I used to have?  I might take Heidi and Una up to the outdoor and free lunge a little bit.  Hopefully Una will let me get her up there.  I'm hoping by walking with Heidi she'll be alright.  I just know that my skills are higher than what I seem to think they are.  I mean I got on Heidi as a 4 year old with no real training; bareback and with just a rope halter on.  I was only nervous at first and just focused on her and did it- never thought about it again and she was perfectly fine.  We've been fine together.  I really can't wait to make more money and be able to afford a second horse.  Finding a second horse of my own that I trust like I trust Heidi will be tough.  It's doable I just have to look at horses I know are available.  Silly me needs to do this.  
     Willow's been great.  I've finally started to trust her enough to go out without a leash at work.  She's been super about coming when I call for her.  Plus it's nice that she can get some good running in while I am watching.  Tink's first show is in a week and a half.  I still have to find Willow a popup crate.  Then I have to get her AKC paperwork filled out, photo's taken and printed and get the whole thing mailed out.  Also get my taxes done.  So much to do, I may make myself do them all this weekend so I don't even give myself TIME to ride- just to avoid Mary.   Either way, bed time, ready to wake up to a shit load of snow- again . . . .