Looking out

     Parts of me are very relieved at some present circumstances.  As much as I do love Amber I am actually quite relieved that Kylie is going to give her another shot.  I do not ride enough, this heat has proven it quite well.  Plus Amber and Kylie, to me have always been a very good pair.  I can't wait to see what the two of them can do now.  She's going to bring in a trainer to do a lesson with every other week at Tamarack.  I hope the two of them excel.  I love her body style, I love the way she moves, she's comfy but I really can't afford two horses.  I know even making the move to live with her will help with costs but I need a new job very badly.  I have to keep looking and keep trying.  Eventually I will get there.
     Eventually I will find me a man too.  Kari seems to think, at least she joked today, that he could literally walk through the back door anytime and meet and hit it off. I'd like to think that sometimes things like that could actually happen but I highly doubt it.  I'm really not the attactive type.  These guys want thin pretty bimbo kinda gals.  I'm the direct opposite. I'm a smart ass, heavyset, more thinking, tomboy kinda gal.  I do try to keep it positive but let's face it.  I'm out with public daily and they frown upon girls like me.  I bottle up a ton of my emotions and I'm not as easily out going as most girls my age.  Add the lack of motivation to stay completely current.  I have an old smartphone and I haven't watched much real TV.  I don't know a lot of new tv shows, stars, singers, etc.
     I am wondering at time what is wrong with me?  Personally I know that I am super picky on guys.  I figure I have my horse, my dog and I'm still sticking with a few rabbits.  I think so anyway.  I need to get off soured thoughts and get to bed.  It's late and I do have to work tomorrow.  I have so many things to do after work as well.  I do need to stop and get a good hug from Heidi.

Moving forward

     I am still thinking a lot about moving in with Kylie and her spare bedroom.  I think it will be a step forward.  It seems like the right choice to make and at least a step towards moving out on my own completely.  I know as soon as I move out of my current bedroom that's it.  There's no going back.  Jess will be repainting it and moving herself into it.  I already know she is. Rachel has reassured me a few times that Willow, Eli and Rodeo should at least all be pretty good together and Penny seems like a very laid back dog as well.  It will give Willow someone else that will play with her.  It does mean that Jess will be on her own for Ayden's meds cause once I move out Ayden isn't coming with me.  Hopefully Jess is ready for it.  
     I am still worried about fighting with Ky or Doug and it ending up like Rach and Val did.  I think that is what scares me the most.  I don't want to make an enemy out of my best friend.  It would also help to open up more options for jobs for me.  Even if what I'm paying to her is starting out where it is, there is always the option to move it up as we  need to and on top of helping Kylie out it'll help me get moving on with life.  I know it might mean keeping down to just one horse, one dog and just the few rabbits I have left for now.  I *might* inherit a Beta fish.  It'll be my first foray into owning a fish but with Kylie there to teach me more about them and making sure I don't screw up Pancake any worse.  
     I finally got back on Heidi today.  Man how I have missed that.  I hadn't realized how much I have missed her.  We rode with the side reins today and it helped to control her during her trotting.  I posted almost a full lap in each direction and I am actually kind of hopeful to teach her to jump a little and just do some fun shows and schooling type deals until I get more stable financially to get her into dressage training and me into dressage riding. 

Fears

     I have finally started sorting out a few feelings and some things that are going on.  I have had a lot going on lately-surprisingly.  
     I gave Kylie the open invitation that if she needed to sell Amber to raise some funds for another horse, then to go ahead and sell Amber.  Yes I do love the mare but I am no where near as connected and invested into Amber as I am Heidi.  Amber would also bring in the better money.  I know I love her, maybe not as much as I do Heidi but I have been keeping her a little more at arms length in case Kylie wanted her back.  I have her physically going back in the right direction.  Got her feet back to shape, got them hardened up, also got her teeth floated and I have her settled in at Tamarack.  She's going good, better than I expected her to settle in.  She is still a bit spookier than I thought she would be.  She needs some more one on one time and a lot more consistent work.  I know Shana had mentioned something about selling Hope so maybe she would be interested in a couple times a week riding Amber just to keep her in shape.  I really want to continue on with Amber.  No I don't have the money to afford the real lessons and keep Amber in training.  No I don't have the money, nor make it, to afford two horses on board.  I would love to keep Heidi on Pasture board but if I start making more money I would like to put Amber in first, and eventually both mares on full board.  Maybe not at Tamarack.  I will look at other barns in the future too.  I haven't ridden Heidi since Kylie last rode her because I've been working so much on improving myself on Amber that I haven't even tacked Heidi up.  I found an identical saddle to Heidi's but narrower to fit Amber.  Downfall it's $950.  It's so tempting to try and figure out how to get it anyway.  I might wait and use Kylie's extra, a Stubben Roxanne, I think, and working on flat work and start my jumping again.  Once I do get better then work on aiming for dressage and bring Heidi along behind us.  
     I am kinda excited at the prospect of Aunt Cathryn shipping Bahloo up as well.  Lisa could do the work on her as she's amazing under saddle and hopefully by now some decent ground manners.  Do some lessons on Bahloo with Shana or Kylie and I'll do some on Amber and some on Heidi, with Lisa and we could all have just a LOT of fun.  I don't think I'll ever get to the point of being able to show but I do want to build a good solid working into both of my mares.  Once I'm thoroughly comfortable then I'll start to think about showing the girls.  
     I am scared that I won't get another job nor a raise at my current job.  I do want to get my own apartment at some point, and get out and start dating again.  I do know I am not trusted by at least two of the vets that I currently work with so it makes me really hesitant to trust them there.  I want to work somewhere that I can actually make a difference and be trusted.  I think part of it was me.  I failed to be that open and even keeled with them when I first started.  I've finally started to relax and trust them but that's how I also overheard that Patrick doesn't trust me.  So I can't stand to work for someone that clearly doesn't trust me.  I've had my suspicions for a while and it was all re-solidified when Brenda returned, then I let it slide some and then over hearing Patrick just made it worse.  Does tell me that either Kari, Diane and Mikey do trust me or they just wanted me out of the way and out of the clinic.  I don't know how to tell the difference.  I am not as good with people as I had hoped I would be.  
     I left some open invitational stuff for my doTERRA with a few of the women at work and Mikey.  Mikey seems to be the most open and willing to learn.  The others seem to think it's a bit of a joke.  I don't know.  I'm willing to be open about it if they are willing to listen.  Anyway It's long already and it's time to get ready for bed for me.  

Ruts

     I have been eternally stuck in one spot and it's just not moving very much.  I have been fighting and trying to get my life together.  I eventually want to get off and living my own life.  I just need to get a career not just a job.  The job hunt has been slow and steady.  No calls for interviews yet but hopefully I can look at a pay increase as a year comes up at the clinic.  I will continue to look for better jobs.  I am only hopeful that I can find a good job, a good faithful man and be able to keep all my babies happy and comfortable!
     Willow has done so well.  I have done some light work with her this week, just to let her have a little down time to be a dog again.  It'll be back to the grind starting next week since then we'll be at 4 weeks to the next show.  I have a couple of weeks still before we have to enter and we're going to work on the obedience side of things since I can't talk to her in there.  First step will be heeling and sitting upon stopping.  Sitting straight as well.  Everything is going to go hard core with her.  I know she's young and she's still heavily learning and Lisa said she thinks Willow will be awesome when she's older.  She's awesome to me now, just a diamond in the ruff.  Part of me is so driven to get a second dog and start this again and do it some more.  I already know my career with rabbits is over.  I hardly ever pay attention to them.  Usually my rabbits are lucky to see me every other day.  My brain keeps telling me to sell the last of them and get it over with.  My heart says to hang onto the last of them and wait it out.
     I keep telling myself to wait it out, wait it out.  My life is going by me while I 'wait it out' and I'm starting to wonder what other steps can I take to move forward with my life.  I might finally have my doTERRA taking off at least  a little bit.  The clinic girls (and Mickey) are all interested so I've got some photocopies of everything paperwork wise so see if they would be willing to just order them online through my website and it will be so nice to have them take off a little bit, at least pay for themselves as we go.
     Last touch subject is the horses.  I know I LOVE Amber and Heidi both very much.  I know I really technically can't afford to have horses in my life.  I also know Kylie's looking for another horse when Amber really is the horse she needs.  Unless she's truly given up on the mare, Amber can do everything that she wants to do.  I know she's not Phoenix nor Liberti of which she misses.  I miss them too.  Especially Phoenix.  I had always left the invitation open if she ever wanted Phoenix back but she never did.  Bahloo was a good stand in for her to ride.  She was happy and comfortable on her.  I was comfortable on her size wise and width wise but me and her just didn't click like I do with Amber and Heidi.  I am still really hoping that Cathryn does ship Bahloo back up for a while.  Lisa can ride one mare, Kylie on another and me on Heidi and we can do a large trail ride, or even Doug on Amber for the trail ride.  I am starting to think I may not push myself to try and show Amber, I really don't think I could afford to show her even if I got that far.  Amber may be better off with someone else that would show her.  
     Who knows.  All I do know is this is what has been on my mind lately and if it wasn't for my vetiver oil I'd never get to sleep at night.  Still I don't want to be stuck in this rut I am stuck in right now. 

Stuck

     I hate rainy days off from work.  I really get into my own mind and hunt out for things that aren't really there.  I really need to get out of my head and get back to my life.  But this will be a depressing kinda post for the most part.  
     First and foremost I know weather has a lot to do with things.  The weather on my day off this week was subpar.  In fact quite ugly.  I mean I got out and I go to do some things, but the list of chores I had to do was LONG.  I didn't even get them all done.  Some I could still be doing now but I have given up for today.  I am too wore out.  SO many things to do, so little time.  But Kitchen has been cleaned, I scrubbed the stove, microwave and the counter around the sink so it's clean and doesn't stink back there anymore.  I might have to go through and wipe down the stove every night so I know it's clean and stays that way. I hated having to scrub all that.  
     One sore subject is the horses.  I'm sick and tired of fighting and struggling to find a new job so I can afford to keep the mares on pasture board.  Heck I'm still not the one paying Amber's board.  I really need to get a new job so I can afford to pay the board and really make it feel like she's my mare.  Heidi I need to just get her back working properly.  I think with Heidi when I go to ride I think we really need to ride more on the side reins.  I ought to get my own side reins but if I can for now if I am going to ride her I'll just borrow Shana's side reins.  I'd really rather ride Amber as I don't seem to have to push as hard when I ride her.  I'm still working and bonding with her and we're still enjoying our time together.  It does make Heidi super jealous.  I really think Heidi's the more jealous mare of the two.  Today Heidi wouldn't even come to the gate, Amber at least came to the gate for me to give them some grain.  I haven't seen them since Sunday and it's Thursday.  I fully intend to go out and see them again tomorrow.  If it's not raining I'm going to ride again too.  
     I have three dog shows lined up- a positive aspect to the post.  I am really looking forward to those.  She's been working really well and I'm just happy that she's doing good.  Hopefully we earn our Title this time around and then the beginning of August show we shall try beginner obedience.  Then if we continue to improve the way we are, I'm hoping to get our CGC at the end of August.  I still have some work and I know where I need to go heavy on heeling, and then the sit for exam will be hard.  Long sits and downs will be hard for her as well.  She just needs time and work.  I know she does.  I am being so hard on her but she needs to be the socially acceptable dog so she can continue to go out and about a lot.  
     Last sad to happy was with Mikey- a coworker of mine.  I felt partly hurt that I didn't know what was going on, but I don't think they trust me.  If the coworkers don't trust me there it's hard to relax.  But anyway, Mikey had taken ill, and I've been doing what I can to keep up with what's going on.  I hate to bug him and text or message him myself or even call him.  He keeps in contact with the others and I've been keeping up with it that way.  He's supposedly getting better now but it still bothers me. I think one of the only ones that sorta trusts me is Diane.  Either way.  It's done, it's over and I'm job hunting.
     Back to one last downcast.  Still nothing on the job front.  There just hasn't been much opening up.  I think some of it is coming down to me and the way I self assess myself in job assessment tests.  I put myself down and I know I do.  I need to stop self degrading and keep learning to be positive.