I've been mentally tossing up the idea of writing this out.  But it's an online journal and I'm VERY highly doubting R or K even read it.  It feels more right to put it out now.  I do think it's time to move on from my past.  I think by my moving to Kentucky and now it's been so long since I've been back and I don't spend the time with R & K and at time M too, that we're all changing.  I'm just not sure what to think anymore.  Rachel's certainly not been the Rachel I remember.  She's just different.  She's changing as she grows and I hate to be the only one of the three of us, (R, K, and H/me) that holds true to what we started as.  I'm the only one staying true to my word.  I see Kylie drift back and forth with mild depression and it's strange, I wish I could be there to do more.  Rachel just completely drifted.  I use to wonder what she's doing and thinking but lately, I don't care, I don't care at all.  I want to care but I feel like I've been cheated and lied to, or I've done something(on top of moving this far away) that I can't get them to talk to me.  I don't push it anymore if they chose to talk to me, so be it.  They know how to contact me, so whenever they feel like it, they can. 
     I just want to bring Heidi home or be closer to the barn, days like today, when I couldn't see her I just get easily depressed, part of it's the cold, part of it's winter just being nasty and ugly.  Tomorrow I'm going to go up and see Heidi, pull her out, let her go graze solo by herself and I'll just sit and read with her.  The peace and quiet will be nice.    

More mental rummaging

     I Love mental rummaging days.  I put a lot of thought into the bunnies, sold a few yesterday actually!  Then Put some more thought into them as I was washing up Heidi's mane and chest yesterday since I got to the barn later than I had anticipated and she needed her mane taken down and cleaned.  Sara's got a great idea to just put her in a paddock to eat some grass and sit out there with a book or something, just spending the time with her.  Today, since it's raining I'm going to put her in a stall to finish drying out(after it finishes raining of coarse-around 2 pm) let her eat and I'm going to sit there and talk to her. I think I'll plop her across from Spencer so she has another horse she can see.  
     I think I'm going to go ahead with the addition to the barn, bring my steels back up to snuff.  Two more steel does should do the trick, especially with the incoming steel buck.  Steels don't breed true but I know that and can plan ahead for that.  I'm just glad for the extra cage space right now, as I sold 3 rabbits and this will allow me to separate down the blue babies a little farther so their water dishes will go farther.  I'm going to put the three for Rachel in one cage, the other 4 will stay in the other cage.  This way if anything sells it'll be easier to just pull them out, without worrying about the ones I pulled for Rachel. I need to find out if Rachel still has that transport coming down or not.  If not I'm going to go ahead and sell her bunch, no point in hanging onto them for whenever she finally does get transport.  I should have others available by the time she gets more transport.  
     I'm bumbling around this morning because I know it's not going to quit raining until around 2 pm, so I plan to head over to Heidi around 1:30- putting me there at 2:30 so I can pull her in, let her dry, take her blankie off.  I'll probably sit with her a while more for my sake than hers, I"ll leave her in for about an hour again, flake of hay and I'll sit comfy cozy with her, maybe bring my sketch book or my crocheting as something to do besides talk to her about life and things I'm planning for mine, hers or our futures.  

Guilt and Confusion

     Well, I broke down and listed my other saddle, Phoenix's, on Ebay.  Ebay had sent me an offer to list items for free, so no charges there.  Right after I had gotten done listing it, Aunt Lisa was contemplating my extra saddle for the standardbred as she wasn't sure her's would fit it.  The fit would really depend on how wide the standardbred was, at least for fit for the horse!  Apparently there's a TON more to fit than meets the eye.  Though I don't think Aunt Lisa shouldn't have an issue fitting into the saddle as she's about the same height and everything else as I am, and my leg fits the saddle, whereas I know Amanda's got a Wintec Wide for Browyn adn she's too tall, her leg's too long to comfortably fit the saddle.  
     The extra bridle I have, Heidi's original one I bought from Kylie I still have- for a distinct reason as a just in case.  The draft bridle might finally fit Heidi now.  Before it was on it's tightest holes and it would barely fit Heidi- and Heidi's got a BIG head, so it may not have fit another draft horse if it's head is smaller.  The only thing we'll need is a smaller bit, all my bits are HUGE because Heidi needs bigger bits, but I know she's got a smaller bit- 5 or 5.5" I'm pretty sure.  It wouldn't be hard for me to get smaller bits once we found how small we needed.  I'm still crossing my fingers that it can work out.  Well it's got one week listed on Ebay and then it'll come off and if it doesn't sell by then I'll just hang onto the saddle and wait it out a little longer and see what comes up.  Same with my riser pad as Heidi sure doesn't need it, but a Standie might.  Luckily it's priced high, I'd really rather we keep it down here and I'd really LOVE to see it used as I've got plenty of money invested in it- it's fully functional and ready to go with a NICE set of stirrups-which I think she could REALLY use to help her ankles and knees.  
     Plus the Standie was raced so he's been under harness before so if we ever do venture into driving again he'll be ready to go, I just have to get Heidi trained to drive.  It's all exciting news to me, I can't wait to see what happens.  I'm hoping so long as I go up late enough tomorrow I can get a good ride in and then get Sara up on Heidi to let her walk around for a little while, then we can let Heidi and Spencer into the arena together and see what they do together.  I'll be bringing my big camera and the tripod.  
     I also got a fun, nice chat in with Mark again.  Been too long since I got to chat with him.  One of these days I'll get around to calling him again.  I have to make sure his phone number is in my phone.  He got me going back at my photography, so I spent a good part of the afternoon messing with my camera and learned a few more things, without cracking the owner's manual out!  I'll be glad to get it out and play more with it again.  Maybe soon get out to Natural Bridge and to Red River Gorge.  
     Well tomorrow should be good, pay day, get some bills paid or caught up, gas in the truck so I can go see Heidi, Go up and go for a ride, play etc.  

My world update

     I have a small world update.  I had 3 litters in the nestbox- Connie, Natalie and Della.  Della's were born the 22nd, and they froze last night with the harsh cold snap.  Natalie and Connie's are still fine thank god!  I only stuck my hand in Connie's box and felt them moving, Natalie's I took out and physically checked them over but their eyes are open and they're fully furred.  

     The only real one in that litter that I'm watching is the steel.  The black's not bad, I'll admit that but I don't want to fall in love with yet another black.  I'm not aiming to hold blacks in the barn.  I'm still thinking of adding one more steel doe besides Natalie's daughter.  I've been eyeing a Mel x Anna daughter of Catherine's.  
     Monday I went up to see Heidi and we went for a ride, it was actually really fun and just a great afternoon in general.  I rode, put her in a stall to eat messed with her for a while before I finally broke down and let her back out.  I pulled Misty back in and finished combing out her mane.  

     I am hoping to go back over and see Heidi tomorrow, just sit with her for some time even if it's in a stall.  I want her to be safe in a stall and I'd rather sit in there with her for a while.  Just let me talk things through and talk, about anything really.  I might not mess with Misty for a little while, just let my jealous mare settle back down.  I kind of can't wait to see her again, just talk to Heidi, tell her what I'm thinking and see what she thinks about things.  Getting a new job, hopefully, me not seeing her as often as I should and just some more personal things.  

Wee! The weekend has come!

     The weekend has come, two weeks off. Today I spent the day down in Lexington finishing up my Christmas shopping.  It was, for lack of better terms, interesting.  Lexington is not a place to be this close to the holidays.  Took FOREVER To get from store to store, but I got everything done that I needed to get done which was the goal!  Now whatever money I have left over for the week has to go into my gas tank so I can go up and see Heidi.  I haven't seen Heidi in over a week.  I'm ready to bring her home, I really am.  I wish I could find a place closer to home to bring her but sadly I haven't found anything yet. 
     I'll be working on a Cover letter to send in with my Resume to Hagyard for the job they have listed.  That'll be sent in on Monday, plus stopping at Spencer Creek Veterinary in Mount Sterling and seeing if he's looking for help.  I've made a promise to give it my best to make sure I have a new job by the time I go back to Nestle in January.  I have to go back in January to solidify my Holiday pay, but I want to be out before the 12 hour shift crap starts.  
     I've got a few cute bunnies coming up in the nest box, hopefully as spring Juniors they can sell.  Fall babies don't seem to sell anywhere near as well. 

Connie x Harold babies born 12/20

 Natalie x Michelangelo babies born 12/12

Black baby:

 Steel baby:

 Blue babies:

     I do like the steel and the black baby coming out in the litter, one of the blue's isn't too bad.  Connie's, one might be worth watching but it *is* a black and I'm not *aiming* to hang onto blacks.  Hopefully the little black is a doe, and the steel is a black as well, it'll be much better and easier to sell!  Buck's hardly EVER sell.    I should have a litter of Torts in the box in the morning.  I do give up on a few things- Like chocolates.  I can't seem to get a litter out of them.  I still prefer the blues, steels and torts over them.  Hopefully soon the Chinchilla's will take off.  Soon, soon.  
     My weight has been holding steady finally, now hopefully I can keep it holding steady, I had to go back onto the Activia.  I had swapped to the Coburn brand(Save-a-Lot) because it was cheaper and it should have done the same job, but something about the probiotics in the Coburn tears my digestive tract up.  So I had to go back to Activia and now we'll see how this goes.  Just mentally at a good stage, very good stage.  

Count Down

     The count down has begun, well some actually started a while ago.  3 Work days left until just under 2 weeks off, plus I have 3 weeks left to find another job or suffer the 12 hour shifts. 
     The 12 hour shifts start January 6th, and while we want nothing to do with it, they're not giving us any choice but to do them on Line 8.  I didn't even want the friggin line to start with, but Shana refused to let me train elsewhere so I'm stuck.  Dad's at least trained on 4,5,&7.  I know the basics to keep the other lines running, but never ran them to train.  So F-off Nestle I'll find another job.  I've got a few leads to other jobs but I'll have 2 weeks to push on them and see what I can get.  At this point, I'm not even concerned with having to bring Heidi home for the rest of the winter if that's what it'll take.  If I'm forced to deal with the 12 hour shifts, I'll still bring Heidi home, because seeing her every 2 to 3 weeks will not work out.   I'll get violent from being over tired and not seeing Heidi.  Would not be pretty.  
     Hagyard, Catalent, Alltech are all places I'm going to submit to.  I'm going to take a drive up through the industrial park in Wincester and I'll even look about in Morehead for something closer, and as close to equal as I can find.  I'm just getting more and more on the edge and and I'm afraid sooner or later I'm going to snap.  Tension right now is high and I know I can calm down seeing Heidi.  I can't wait to see her again.  Maybe I'll venture up before I go out to get her and see if the indoor arena is done, take her up there for a little while, just in halter and mess with her as it's supposed to be raining Friday and Saturday.  Saturday will be the first time I get up to see her, Friday I have to finish my Christmas shopping.  Mom, Jess and Dad left.  I know what I'm getting each one of them.  Very glad of that.  I got Allen's ordered this morning-hopefully it arrives in time.  
     One more hellacious night coming up.  Dad's on line 8 so we'll be late cause I'll be waiting for him.  I'm on Durkee so that shouldn't be too bad for me anyway.  I want to be done now!!  Luckily the next two nights I should be on Crispy Batter which won't be bad at all.  I can handle that, I know I can.  Much nicer, easier, slower paced, more mentally stimulating(IE I can think more!) and SOLO.  I don't have to deal with anyone!  Just leave me the F- alone!  
     I got my ticket for the Mega tonight, it's really super high.  IF I can even get a 1/5 of what the jackpot is I'll be happy.  I can get my loans and bills all paid off and go ahead and keep Heidi where she is, it'll give me the time I need to get another job.   Mental ramblings at their end as I have to leave for work. 

To do or not to do . . .

     I don't intend to quit, at times I just want to, but I go back and look at pictures and remember what it was like to have success, both with Heidi and with the Rabbits.  It's been awfully cold at times and makes riding incredibly hard.  I'm still too naive on english riding and Heidi's just too green under saddle and while we work well together, we aren't getting anywhere.  I wish I had seen her today, but I was just beyond too cold just taking care of the bunnies.  

     I did manage to at least pull Natalie's little bunch out and snap a quick picture.  I also looked each one over really quick, the three blues are nothing spectacular but the black and the steel look fairly decent.  I'm going to watch them continue to grow and I will monitor them to see how they come out as they grow.  I might just go ahead and stay with blue and steels, at least those can be interbred with each other. I'll keep the torts at a few.  I've given up with them.  Tort's are just not with it anymore.  I thought bringing Sassy's sister back into the barn would help- has not.  Buying Della and Jayger both would help boost it, again hasn't.  Maybe I just need homebred torts again, but I'm not sure.  
     A friend of mine, one lady I hold dear to me, she's helped me in more ways than she knows, has to try and find a place for her gelding, who she had in a foster type situation and she said she had actually thought of me as a place to put him that he'd be taken care of.  I know I've done retirements before, I've done rehabs before.  There's no rhyme or reason to why he's lame that she can tell, he's pasture sound.  It's been a tempting thought to bring Heidi home.  I miss having her at home.  
     Having Jess here at home has been interesting.  I've been doing my best to keep my thoughts and myself to myself and away from home the best I can.  I stay that way and I quite enjoy it that way.  I keep my bunnies to myself, I keep Heidi to myself.  Hopefully soon I'll be out and away and enjoy things a lot more.  I'm contemplating actually renting a small house, it's over near Lisa's, which would put me closer to Heidi and I might be able to move Heidi to Nelson's.  She wouldn't get the work, I'd have a longer drive to work, but I'm also working hard to get a better job.  Something more towards my fields of interest.  I'm still watching several job leads.  

Good day

     I missed out on the Florida trip, sadly, due to having to work.  As much as I would have loved to have been there, meet Dustin and see him play live, see Aunt Anne and Sarah preform at a big dog show- I meant to send my camera down with Lisa so she could get some good video and pictures.  In a way I'm glad I didn't, I got some video of me riding today since I was by myself.  I would like to see a dog show one day, I don't know if I could do it with a dog of my own but tempting thought.  
     I went out to the barn today, went and got Heidi but this time in her Rope halter.  I was going to try riding in just that, but I also brought her nylon bridle up to the barn(finally!) and I put that on over the rope halter and we rode with both on.  Rope halter was a fail, she really didn't know what I was asking her when we did that. But we had two cavaletti's in the arena that we did walk over a few times, and 3 ground poles.  The ground poles, the first time we walked between them since they were scary, second time walked right over them.  She does get her feet up, she's getting coordinated very well now.  The video function did work this time.  I got too cold too quick though, so afterwards we untacked and were talking to Sara as she brought Spencer in for some shots(the vet was on her way).  Then she made up some warm bran mash, which Heidi LOVED.  She's so spoiled!  I'll have to keep bringing up some alfalfa cubes and soaking them for her to munch on after our rides!  She'll enjoy the extra attention!  I'm hoping to get Sara up on her just to walk around the arena a little bit, she's not been on a horse since before I was born!  She'd love it, I know she would.  She worries about being a plus sized rider, but I am too and Heidi's more than physically capable of carrying our size, no problems.  Heidi's quiet enough that I can lock us in the outdoor and I can walk with her while she's up on Heidi.  Maybe on Sunday afternoon we can try it!  I mean Spencer's such an adorable old gelding!  She's actually his 3rd foster momma and she ended up adopting him to keep him comfortable.  She thinks about some day getting one that she can ride. If she can at least enjoy Heidi some and she'll be spoiling her too.  It doesn't bother her much, Heidi's a sweet heart and despite her size she is easy to work around.  Maybe next time we'll put her in with Spencer for a little while, I'll be watching closely cause sometimes Heidi doesn't know her size and I'm afraid of her hurting the poor old TB gelding.  
     Well out of 6 does that I had bred, 1 actually took, 2 may have but I didn't feel anything.  I'm going to give them some more time. 

Unsure

     After riding today and working with Heidi I'm to a point on uncertainty.  I think every time I get a step in the right direction I take 2 backwards.  Today Heidi wouldn't do anything.  I think at times I need to start riding with a crop.  Since she didn't want to move, I got down and MADE her move.  Then I got back up and we did much better, a couple laps to let her cool down after running, gave her a bunch of cookies and her apple.  This was just not what I was expecting, the other day was so good and today was horrid.  Maybe she's not cut out to be a riding mount.  Maybe I should try driving instead.  At this point I am unsure what to do.  I love her to pieces, but just don't know what to do.  

  It's strange, it's odd I don't really know what I'm thinking, I'm going to take this week to mentally puzzle things out while I am at work.  Driving or riding?  Anything at this point to keep my mind off my sister, and everything else that has been mentally puzzling me-which is up to and including my rabbits.  

Striding forward!

     I failed twice to get the camera recording so there's nothing there to see us in action, I shall retry tomorrow after Michael gets done trimming her feet.  Hopefully my brain will/can function that early in the morning!  He says he'll be there about 10:30, so I have to be there about 10-10:15 to pull her out of the pasture and get her legs hosed clean.  That should be fun!  after she gets trimmed up I'll tack her up and put a few of the crossrails in the arena and we'll try some riding around this time.  Hopefully with the added crossrails it'll interest her a lot more.  Plus I know how to make the video recording work this time on the camera so that should be a LOT better!  I should get some video tomorrow. 
     I was happy, she had her ears back, she was listening again and I was just a lot happier with our progress today.  She was just wonderful.  I wish I had gotten it on video.  Just such a good girl.  Listening.  It's a shame I can't get anyone to go with me but sometimes I just love being me and her out there.  Well we shall see tomorrow how it goes again.  Michael will be there at 10:30 to trim her feet, then I'll go for a short ride before heading home to take care of the bunnies. Plus I HAVE to remember to bring the pumpkin by for Aunt Lisa(I've only forgotten twice now!) and pick up the remote for the tv as well.  Heads down and eyes closed, it's sleep time!