Well It's been a couple days, did great for a few days and tanked again today for a little while. I had intended to ride but Michael messaged me and said he was in the area to trim and Heidi was on the book as due. Which I knew she was. So I ran up there today and Heidi stood like an angel in crossties no less for Michael to trim. That was uplifting. I got bummed out when I asked Jess or mom if they wanted to come to the barn with me. I should have KNOWN better than to ask either one of them. Just a waste of time really. Jess will only do something if it benefits her in some way. At least it's not like I missed out on having someone there to photograph riding. Especially with her getting better and better. I think she's starting to look good, me probably not so much but it's still okay enough to keep pushing with her. Shana and I have set up a time to go riding together, so maybe she can give me some pointers while we are riding.
Saturday's going to be so busy. I originally took it off to go to a dog show with Aunt Lisa so I can see what it's like. Well that's still on the books but we're only staying until the lunch break so I can get back to her place and change for a job fair at Alltech. Then after the job fair I'll head back to Lisa's and change yet again for riding and go up and meet up with Shana for an evening ride. Then I'll have to go back to Lisa's again to pick up Willow. Maybe I ought to leave her home. That's a lot for her for one day. I"m not even sure Heidi and stay going as long as Hope can. Heidi's no where near fit enough. The Alltech job, from what I've heard, is another 12 hour shift, but starting pay is $14 per hour. I just want to see what they're offering really. Maybe they can offer me something decent enough to make it worth leaving Boonesboro.
I've also taken a shine to thinking about the offer Brian gave me over Thanksgiving. Become oen of the sellers and make some extra money in the spare time sharing the doTerra. I don't know yet. I will hopefully get the chance to talk to Cathryn while she's here this coming weekend. So many things going on! Geez. Hopefully I manage to do a good job on all of it and this weekend turns out hugely positive. Sunday has to be a bit of a bunny day this weekend too. They need to be cleaned again and I really, really need to think about the 3 junior does I have sitting together and get through them. Been such a rough winter and it's not over yet! I can't wait, I'm hoping by mid to late February I can go back to doing them at night and doing my own lunch so I stop paying Jess to do them.
I've been bad. I have re-read my last few posts and realize how negative they are. What happened to the 98% positive for the on-set of my future. I know a lot of the negativity was all related to money problems. While those are one of the biggest things I have to deal with I really need to stop gripping about them and start figuring things out. More job applications to go out and much more active job searching. I have to, to get rid of the negative, lack of money problems.
I am still kind of looking at online schools just to see what is out there, what the costs would be and maybe I can go back again, get a different degree and give something a go. I'm thinking something in financial type degrees maybe? Still unsure. Been looking at SNHU and Phoenix Universities right now. Not seeing a degree or certificate coarse that jumps out at me yet. I"ll keep looking and I'll check into costs as well.
Well in short term, winter has taken another hold on us while I am doing my best to 'grin and bear it' I still do not like the cold. It's necessary for mother nature to rest, and it helps the ground, trees and everything else. Plus the bug population needs the chill out to keep it weaker the following. All checks and balances- the natural way!
Well I'm just now starting into a longer week at work, but I have Saturday off for a dog show. See what it's like, see if it's an environment that I can relax and settle down in to do something with it. I'm eager, scared, nervous and excited. I'm kind of scared that I won't relax and I'll ruin the day for Aunt Lisa. We shall see. I think it'll be okay. Well bed time for me. Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday left!
I've started digging deeper into my thoughts, emotions, needs and desires for life and I'm starting to get a few more things.
Allergies I have learned are tied directly to mold. I did a lot of thinking to deduce that. But the last three years I have been struggling with my allergies. Tried all sorts of different allergy meds, steriod nasal sprays, practically lived on antibiotics going sinus infection to sinus infection and I did a lot of thinking. What's been going on that hasn't been the first 25 years of my life. Well, it's not dogs- Magic then Ayden, then the girls for a month and now Willow. I thought well maybe after the gallbladder and I started probiotics and it all messed my guts up and it was milk/ice cream. NOPE. I've had a bowl of cereal the last few days off, having milk and everything. I have been having everything that I thought I was developing allergies to. It's always feeling like crap in my room, never happens when I am anywhere else. I noticed a year ago behind my pillows the wall would mold up. So I have to bleach that (Plus having to replace a crap ton of pillows, I'm down to one of my original pillows and two new ones) and this time I was putting my new sheets on my bed and I pulled the matress out farther than normal because I was putting the protector cover back on it and I saw the back corner was black. My walls are a warmer mint green so I knew something was wrong. Well apparently the walls in this trailer are MUCH thinner than our walls in the trailer in NY and the condensations was starting to soak into the wood bottom-which I have had since I was little- and made the wall turn black with mold. It was the worst in the corner but it ran the whole length of the wood bottom. It was a lot to bleach off. But I slept so much better last night. I'm fighting myself right now to try and finish this off. Well wood bottom is outside and will go onto the burn pile as soon as it's dry enough to carry it out there. I'm on the metal bed frame that goes with the extra bed that Aunt Lisa gave Jess to sleep on. Well I'm just glad to have it figured out.
Heidi's been great, she was a snuggle bug today and it was strictly a check and pick feet and put Vaseline into them since it snowed pretty hard and it's always a packy wet snow. I think I'm going to take Una on as a project. She needs to lose weight and she needs someone to love her. She's lost her pal, Val was her 'brother' and their owners never come to visit them. I still need to get the rest of Val's blankets folded up and onto Una's stall so that I can get Heidi's out onto Val's blanket rack.
Bunnies are actually still okay. I still have Blue's blue son and for the meantime I'm going to hang onto him and see if maybe I can line up transport for Penelope to come down and see if Cindy can help coordinate it since I don't know if Rachel even remembers about it. PenPen, Raven and Natalie will have to produce the blues for me. I only have a few rabbits left now and I have to choose what I am doing. I might end up listing my two really nice black does for sale- or see if I can set up a trade to trade back for Penelope. I want to bring Raf's lines back into my barn.
Well it's 11 pm, it's well past my bed time and I'm struggling to stay awake. I'll work on more theories as I am doing clinic chores in the morning.
Today, while I was up riding Heidi I was talking to her and gave it a few thoughts of going back to school. I need to get a better paying job, something that I can afford to keep what few rabbits I have left, Heidi and Willow. I know I am under $4k left on my student loans but I need to get some more skills and a better skill set to get the better job. Nothing so far from any of the equine vets. I'm going to try and re-email my resume to a few of them. No guarantee's that I'll get any of them and of coarse I'm not getting anywhere at Boonesboro either. Especially now that Brenda came back. I noticed it on Tuesday, her first day back. There's too many 'techs' not enough Vet's there. And the fact that Brenda's been there before puts her back above Shelby and I. Shelby has the same theory that I do. We're just kennel folk now, we have no real reason to be there other than to keep the kennels clean and watch the surgery dogs as they wake up. That's NOT the job I wanted, I know I have to take something and work with it, but I'm at a point in my life that I cannot do that anymore. There's got to be a standard so I can actually afford to live off on my own.
The ride today was nice, I have to admit, Heidi's progressing. I almost got her to jump a little today but she finally lazed out and knocked the poles down. I can at least talk to her and while I can't bounce ideas off of her with responses I can at least get it spoken out loud and lets me think some more on it. Also easier to remember what I was talking about, just remember more of the ride.
I've started to think about going back to school. As crazy as it is to think about it, I do want a good job, something I can grow with and actually make a living on.
Well sleep time, two full days and a half day to go.
Just a mental rummaging for the day for me. I'm still watching my finances and can't believe it's almost the end of January already. So many things I need to get rolling together as the end of the month comes closer.
For one is making sure my medical is set up and I'm on the 'straight and narrow'. A lot of it is eye and dental but those have to wait until I have money. Eventually I want to look into contacts. I'm aggravated with my glasses as they are old and I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of fighting with them to stay on my face, even my fitted ones slide off my face at times.
I have also got to start working on a way to lose weight better. I'm eating as Healthy as I can work with but I could do better but better comes with cost. Higher cost right now I can't do. My paychecks are taxed as far as they can be with very little extra hiding away in there. I'm keeping my animals all fed but that's about it. I'm trying to keep selling down the rabbits. I have 2 left that I want to sell and when Speedle passes I want to replace him with a single buck for breeding my does. I'm still not sure if I really want to continue with them. Part of me still wants to I just need more time for them. I'm tempting to go back to a 12 hour shift working at an equine hospital and go back to having other issues. I'd rather be a surgery tech at Rood and Riddle, they only work Monday through Friday, leaves me every weekend off, for dog and Rabbit shows.
Tomorrow is the last 50 degree day so I intend to make the most out of it. I get out at 3pm tomorrow and I'm going to go riding and make the most out of my day. Take Willow to work and on lunch we're going to go walking at least for a little while. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to bring Ayden or not. I may not until Thursday.
Well bed time, need to keep my mind calm so I can go to sleep!
Life is rolling, that's all really. Things have been going. Slow and steady. Work is work, I'm really not making the bills very well and I'm eagerly awaiting my tax return, which I haven't even filed for yet, so I can catch up some of my other bills. I hate not being able to afford everything. Right now I can't even get the stuff I need for the car to get it tuned up and hopefully running smoother. At least better. I am seriously disappointed with the gas mileage I am getting out of it. I get from 25-28 MPG, I should be getting over 30 at least since I'm running strictly highway.
I'm spending a chunk of Sunday moving rabbits around and Willow also has another training session. Let's see if the stuff I've been working on at work during lunch has paid off. I have started letting her outside with just the long cotton leash on but not holding it, and even once yesterday was totally off leash with Ayden. I know for now it's risky but I have to trust my gut somewhere.
I took my weight this morning, still the same from starting point this year, so that means 3 weeks into the new year and still notta on a change in weight. I'm actually starting to think about finding a gym close to work and doing 30-45 minutes on lunch break working out. Heck even if it's a treadmill or elliptical or whatever that's easy, just something to get some more exercise in. I want to slim down- alot, more for my health than anything else. I look back on pictures of me from 10+ years ago and realize I've always been a bigger girl but it has a point of needing to feel good constantly. I have noticed so long as I take my multi-vitamin my sinus' stay under control pretty good. I don't even have to take an allergy med. Topical use of the doTerra has been helping as well. I haven't ventured to try aromatic again yet, I have to get the sinus' back under control, I haven't taken my vitamin in 3 or 4 days.
I talked to Kylie for a while last night on facebook and I had a fleeting thought of moving in with her for a little while. Except the costs of moving are far too much plus the lack of jobs in the area. Heidi and the bunnies would go to the barn where she boards Amber and Rayna, Willow with me to the apartment with Kylie and Eli. It would just cost too much to move Heidi, myself and what few rabbits I do still have up there. I'm holding right now at 10, with one hopefully going today and one still left for sale after that. Then lastly would be Speedle if he does go, I'll be down to 7. He's hanging in there but I can tell he's not going to last too much longer. He kind of wobbles and has lost so much weight. My end goal is to have 8 with two extra cages of the sets that make the 10 for weaning litters. I need one more buck and I'm not sure right now if I want a blue or a steel buck. I have a steel buck but he's a chin carrier. Scwandt's has a nice blue buck from steel lines if I could afford to buy him and have him shipped. *sigh* so many choices, so many choices.
I'd have to say #5 is going to be my hardest in the 12 steps for self care. I've been keeping positive and I've promised myself to stay positive. "98% positive" Cause I know I'll have bad days and I know I'll have bad times to start with. But so far I've been doing everything that I can deem possible to keep the outlook on the future as good as possible. I'm still out and about and job hunting. Have a positive lead for Rood and Riddle. I'll be doing a cover letter and updating my resume and getting that emailed to them over the coarse of the next couple of days. If I can start to work for them and make more money I can hopefully move into an apartment a LOT easier. It'll mean going back to paying for vet on Willow BUT that's far more preferable than staying in a lower end paying job with no foreseeable future to move up in pay scale.
For today being so damn cold it's been a laid back rest up kind of day for Willow and myself. Willow's been sleeping most of the day on and off at least. I've relaxed and rested. Watched Numb3rs on Ion for a big chunk of the day and now back to watching CSI NY that I have on DVD's. I still have yet to dig out my good leather coat to wear tomorrow, but I do need something warmer to wear. Makes me wish I had actually finished out the series but I think I will eventually get the last couple of seasons for both NY and Miami. Plus Criminal Minds, I have to catch them up as well. Hopefully soon I can. I've realized how much I have missed watching them due to lack of having a TV with antenna to be able to watch them. Now I do know that both CSI's, Miami and NY, have been canceled years ago but Criminal Minds is still going strong.
One of my orders have come in. I got new irons and leathers for my dressage saddle, and the leathers for my Cortina english to ride Mary in. Despite the cold I pulled the english irons off the aussie and put them on the leathers for the Cortina. I'll get that saddle back into the barn and the heat tomorrow along with Heidi's 'new' bridle. Kylie sent me her old one off Amber, she knew I ADORED that bridle. I love the v-brow band on it. It's brown so I'll be looking for a brown jumping/AP saddle in the same tree size for Heidi. Most likely at Rolex. At least look. No guarantee's that I'll have the money to do anything but at least I can then look at saddles again. Everything will depend on what job I have, what I'm making and everything else. For me there won't be any value to buying an AP saddle if Heidi won't jump. I'm perfectly comfortable in the dressage saddle if I just won't go jumping again.
Anyway, it's basically time to go to bed anyway, I have to work tomorrow and I really just don't want to. Small animal practice and all. My heart lies with equine.
